Why can’t I put myself first

Sort of crappy night as my partner and got mad at each other. I care about him and don’t want to upset him yet I also know I just give in. Don’t rock the boat don’t upset others I truly deep down don’t want to be in this relationship but I can’t hurt him. I am the provider I take care of everything financially his family especially his mom plays mind and guilt games with him. So I feel if I seek happiness for me I will destroy him which I can’t do. I have never put myself first.

I am getting tired but am to much a failure and to weak to change.
 

Koko Joe

Registrant
You are here and on these forums figuring out some seriously difficult stuff. You are definitely NOT weak and if you take care of everything financially you are not a failure.

I don't know the details of your situation but I just want to offer the possibility that you may be able to split with him but still be a supportive force in his life. Like I said, I don't know the details, but I know lots of people who split up and remain supportive friends to each other. My divorced parents are one example.

You do yourself and him a great disservice by staying in the relationship if you don't really want to be there.
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
Like too many of us, myself included we put others firsts d spend our lives trying to people please. Trying to figure out f people pleasing was another “teaching of The Perp” Or just a trait I had that he exploited?

in any event it draws me to people users who are often legitimately needy but are interspersed with narcissists and wounded souls like my ex that refuse professional help and can never be pleased despite your best efforts. the results are at best toxic for all and permanently depressive for us.

smc you are worthy of happiness. You are not responsible not can you create happiness for someone that caN never be pleased. You contribute so much here and would be a great equal partner.. you are worthy of love unconditionally not approval occasionally, briefly. Perhaps grudgingly given
 
You are here and on these forums figuring out some seriously difficult stuff. You are definitely NOT weak and if you take care of everything financially you are not a failure.
Thanks but one of my lifelong issues I realize now is that I have always seen myself as weak, failure not good enough. Yet with the family issues on things I can’t say they ever really told me this but somehow I guess I thought it.

smc you are worthy of happiness. You are not responsible not can you create happiness for someone that caN never be pleased.
Hard for me to accept this notion.
You contribute so much here
That really means a lot to me. It makes me get upset as I ha e felt I am a burden and have very little to offer here. It really means a lot to me to have you say that.
Trauma Conditioning
This is something I think I really have not faced or addressed.

I appreciate all the comments just in that low place. Have not seen my T in over a week due to work stuff.
 

Dan99

Registrant
Totally agree with F.A. I can definitely relate. And the worst part is the people in my life whose lives have intertwined with mine and like me this way, as a doormat.

It's like trees that have grown together all twisted. If one suddenly decides to stand up straight, it's going to be messy, at least, and fatal at worst.

Tough stuff.
 
I have always seen myself as weak, failure not good enough
Hi smc

You are not weak at all my friend. You are here dealing with a lot of trauma in your past and you keep coming and working to better yourself at MS.

So I feel if I seek happiness for me I will destroy him which I can’t do.
Staying will destroy both of you. You deserve to be happy too. This is a tough situation. I wish you luck and a speedy remedy. Going your own ways maybe better for you both.

I have talked with you lots since you arrived here and there has been a steady improvement in your ability to to talk and work on your situation. You are a valued member here. We all have troubles you are not alone at all. You are not a burden at all, you are a member. I am happy to know you.

Take good care
 
It's like trees that have grown together all twisted. If one suddenly decides to stand up straight, it's going to be messy, at least, and fatal at worst.
Yes it is so intertwined. It’s hard for me to stand up for myself.

I have talked with you lots since you arrived here and there has been a steady improvement in your ability to to talk and work on your situation. You are a valued member here.
Exterior thank you for the kind words. I still don’t see it in myself though you, others and my T tell me how good I am doing but I still feel a mess. I worry even here I am just a drag on others. Your words mean a lot to me right now.
 
I still feel a mess
We got to this place after many years of being a mess or worse, With me it took many years 25 plus years of trauma, then another decade or two before I started to reach out for help. Then I found this place at 62, I think I cried for the first while here all the time, as I felt I found a place where I may fit in some with others here and I have fit in some so that is powerful to have.

The just of this message it it took a long time to get us to this point so it is only natural that it will take time to process understand and undue the damage, I think everyday I get up is a good one and I am trying not to waste them. I have something I do every morning, I say good morning to a portrait of my deceased brother (my best friend) and then I say good morning to me in the mirror. Starts me out in a goon mood.

We are probably the last ones to see the changes in us. My Psychologist friend and his wife tell me they see big changes in me in the last year or so. I think I can see that I am getting more done, accomplishing a few things so I guess there is improvement. It is hard to see it yourself till some one points it out, I can see it now in lots that I do I have more motivation. Getting a new dog was a really good move.

You are doing better smc I hope you are able to see at least a little improvement in the near future.

Take good care
 

BDD

Registrant
Sort of crappy night as my partner and got mad at each other. I care about him and don’t want to upset him yet I also know I just give in. Don’t rock the boat don’t upset others I truly deep down don’t want to be in this relationship but I can’t hurt him. I am the provider I take care of everything financially his family especially his mom plays mind and guilt games with him. So I feel if I seek happiness for me I will destroy him which I can’t do. I have never put myself first.

I am getting tired but am to much a failure and to weak to change.
You don't sound like a failure. You are providing in really hard times and sounds like hard circumstances.
I hope you direct some of that strength towards taking care of yourself.
Maybe staying in the relationship provides everyday necessities, but is that all he wants? is it all you want?
I found details seem to sort themselves out when you prioritize them and yourself.
 
It is hard to see it yourself till some one points it out,
My T points things out to me but it’s hard for me to see it or even accept it. Today we talked a bit about how I spent my life first trying to be invisible to adulthood of being perfect nothing to draw attention to myself or embarrass myself.
 
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