Why bother with recovery

Why bother with recovery
B

BinMichigan

Registrant
I have to say, forgetting what happenned to me (denial) is serving me much better than trying to "recover". I am serious, I nearly lost my wife, my job and my best friend when I was going to therapy and trying to cope with my abuses.

While in therapy they had to drug me so bad I could hardly wake up let alone work, recovery nearly destroyed my life. So why do it, its to hard, I stopped going to therapy and I have stop having panic attacks. I stopped acting out on my abuse. I stopped carving words in my arm.

So I ask again, why not just forget my past, because dealing with it nearly destroyed my life.
 
Brian,

you must do what you have to do. I am a firm believer that recovery is necessary to move on with life, or we will continue to act with the mindset of the victim. But I am not some infallible person who knows everything. Perhaps it is not necessary. And even if it is, no one can tell you at what rate to do it. The timing must be yours.

As to 'why bother', we bother because for most of us, it is necessary to relearn appreciation of ourselves and take on our lives again. But as I said, perhaps it is not necessary for all.

Leosha
 
Brian,

I am losing my wife. That has more to do with her refusal to recover from her childhood than my determination to recover from mine. But I sure as hell will not go back to living the way I did when I was in denial.

I can't "convince" you to recover so I won't waste your time. I do it for me and those who love me, especially my kids. You need to decide your own course for your own reasons. If it's recovery you choose, remember where you found us if you need a friend. We survivors make very good friends.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Brian,

This may help, or not.

Like all the support you get in here it's up to you.

My suggestion is perhaps a process of bit by bit. By that I mean don't try to solve and complete your entire recovery all at once.

Give yourself a break whenever you feel you need to. The progress you make will be progress - even if it doesn't feel like it.

All the best mate.


Originally posted by BinMichigan:
I have to say, forgetting what happenned to me (denial) is serving me much better than trying to "recover". I am serious, I nearly lost my wife, my job and my best friend when I was going to therapy and trying to cope with my abuses.

While in therapy they had to drug me so bad I could hardly wake up let alone work, recovery nearly destroyed my life. So why do it, its to hard, I stopped going to therapy and I have stop having panic attacks. I stopped acting out on my abuse. I stopped carving words in my arm.

So I ask again, why not just forget my past, because dealing with it nearly destroyed my life.
Click to expand...
 
I think that whatever decision you make is ultimately the best decision for you.

You, after all, are the one who must live with the consequences. It is only fair that you be the one to create those consequences by what you decide.

And if after making a decision such as this, you seriously pursue the course of action decided upon and later discover it is not what you thought it might be, that is, you don't like the consequences of your choice, then you can always make another decision to try something else.

I have heard it said that there really are no 'right' or 'wrong' decisions. It is what we do after the decision that makes it right or wrong.

Good luck to you in what ever you choose.

Thanks for posting today. It has made me consider my decisions and my consequences.

Regards,
 
Brian,
I am glad that you decided to post your feelings about your present situation here. Just remember that you are not alone; you have other survivors ready to listen to you and it seems like you have an ally in your wife. Have you talked to her about your feelings? [just a thought].

Go at your own pace!
Vernon
 
Brian
I chose recovery because the alternatives were so bad.
I faced the loss of my marriage after 25 years, I was having unsafe sex with strangers, I was suicidal, depressed and generally f******d up !

I've just celebrated 31 years of marriage, and although life isn't perfect it's pretty damned good.

But it didn't happen overnight, it's been 6 years so far and I still work on my recovery, and that's getting easier by the day.

there have been many times I wondered "why do I bother?" and usually one of my survivor friends kicks my butt a bit and reminds me of the things I have achieved.
Many times I felt overloaded with all the information that seemed to come at me from every direction, and the hard work involved in using it.

So I did it at my pace, not someone elses. I dont care one bit if someone 'recovers' in half the time I seem to be.
We can only do so much at a time, so don't push yourself, and never let others push you either. Accept their support, but not the pressure.

Take care
Dave
 
I dont understand, my T said we were going slow. It seems everytime we do the "talk to myself as a child" I get freaked out because even a glimpse of my memories seem too painful. But my T says its the only way. Should I seek a different Therapist?
 
You might consider telling your T what you just wrote. "Going slow" is in the eye of the goer, you know. This recovery stuff is like a partnership with the T. You have to be able to trust one another, and that takes some time. But one of the steps toward trust could be just telling T what you told us.

Hang in there. We're here to support one another.

Thanks,

Joe
 
I think (IMHO) that a lot depends on how our Therapists handle situations. I had two Ts in particular who really F****d with my head and projected their own stuff on me - very unfair and almost destroyed my marriage.

I have learned that I will give a T 6months to 1 year. If I don't see any progress OR if I see some negative stuff happening that doesn't look like stuff that SHOULD be coming up, I turn tail and run.

I wish you well in whatever your decision and, like others said, there is no right or wrong decision - just what's right for each of us.

Just remember that if you DO decide to tackle those issues again and need the support, we're all here. OK?

SD
 
Why bother? That's THE key question, isn't it?

Knowing what I know now didn't make me happier. It made things a Hell of a lot worse for me. So why did I bother getting it back and dealing with it?

Simple. So many things in my life are clearer now because I know what I know. And it's given me the motivation to face them. Change them. For the better.

There ain't nothing I can do about what happened. I'll deal with it in some form or another until the day I die, and there will always be those who will hurt because of what I have to repair. But I'm going to live better for facing it, and I can make those around me feel that much sweeter when I can be complete for them. When I can love them and treat them like they've treated me because I'm no longer distrustful or afraid of loving them.

This is why it's important for me to bother with recovery. I'm not preaching at you. i hope you don't take it that way. It's hard, and it sucks, but there is a reward for doing so at the end. I want you to know that.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
I have to second what Scot says. It is a bitch and the hardest thing you will do, but it changes your life for the better.

You can not see clearly in a fog our in the cloud hangin over and around you. In order to clear that fog, your have to shine the light on yourself first.

Not being a religious person, but, I hope, a spiritual one, I have found that prayer helps. But I have also learned that prayer still gives you options. It is up to you to act on them. I think this is the true meaning of "God helps those that help themselves". I never became clear until a was forced to deal with the abuse. And then, only after beginning to find strength in myself that allowed me to end the manipulation by others.
 
People seem to deal with their pasts in different ways. For me, therapy and doing all this work has made me a better person. I have more control over my life. I don't reenact the abuse over and over. And with each day here, I learn a new way of dealing with my poisonous family.

My wife, on the other hand, was CSA by her dad until she was 16 and told him No. She has sisters and a relatively good mother she's close to. She doesn't deal with it, wouldn't be caught dead in a therapist's office, and doesn't talk about it much. But she seems to do OK. I don't know if it's because she had sisters to talk to or because she dealt with it when she told her dad No that last time or what. I know she did send her dad a letter, and he wrote her back an apology. He was arrested, put on the state offenders web site, got some therapy, and he was better for a while--less drinking and stuff, but now he's back to his old self. But for some reason, my wife can deal with him. She does it on her own, and she's OK.

I don't know what makes the difference. Just do what's best for you. I say, if you're functioning OK, not being controlled by your past, and you live a relatively happy life without going there, by all means, don't. But therapy has helped me a lot. If you need somebody to talk to, even a couple of times a year, therapy's a good thing. But you choose the pace. The therapist is your employee. You decide what's best for you, and if memory work messes you up, tell him you're not doing that and you want to go a different direction. I remember one time my therapist started this weird thing that was really irritating me. I went along for a couple of weeks and then asked him, You went to some class, didn't you? He said he had and that this form of therapy was supposed to be more helpful. I told him, It isn't, so let's get back to doing it the old way. He stopped, and therapy started helping again.

Let us know how it goes. It's like having a tumor removed. The surgery is painful and slightly dangerous, so it all boils down to whether you'll be OK leaving that tumor in there or not.
 
I guess my problem is, dealing with it made me reclusive , grouchy, touchy, angry, irritable but this is not New, Therapy seemed to increase those feelings. I never feel normal or happy, just always down no matter how much meds I am on. Once I tried going off the meds, holy cow was it worse, so I guess they help.

I can't help but feel frustrated about this process. Looking into the past is not something that I even want to think about let alone do every week. I am going to look for a new therapist I guess, he had some views on sexuality I do not agree with and we clash on that.

The big problem is I spent my entire childhood, acting, ensuring that my abusers would not be caught. Ensuring I was safe from the shame. This "mask" or acting has been there since I was 5 and I dont know much else. I act happy around others now out of sheer impulse, its instinct now. I simply have no idea who i am! MAybe I was meant to be a grouchy SOB, maybe thats who I am. Maybe I am supposed to be a happy individual like I have been acting. But one thing is for sure, I am exhausted at the end of the day from putting on the "show" at work. I am just drained emotionally.

I work for the government and I just had a security clearance interview yesterday, you have to be honest. SHe asked me about my step-father and I's relationship. That led to have you ever been to therapy. That led to I need a release to speak with your therapist. That led to "Why" and you are sworn so I told some info to her, not much just the fact that I was abused. I was so surprised, the investigator ( female) said thats no big problem for clearances, she said many she had spoke to had been abused and as long as I am being treated, its not a problem! I WAS SO HAPPY to here someone face to face say I am okay and a TS clearance is okay even though I had a bad childhood and I am screwed up. SHe said the honesty is what is important.


That sentence made me think, honesty, have I ever been completely honest with anyone, told them the whole truth? Have I ever looked at anything through clear eyes or always my tainted, low selfesteem, exhausted view? I can think the only answer is no, I dont know how to see things clearly at all. And the more I go into the past, the more fogged I get.

I am so frustrated!
 
Brian. Sounds like you got a good reason to continue down the road of RECOVERY. It has become important to you work that you get the help you need. It does get better with time. Tom
 
I dont know how to see things clearly at all. And the more I go into the past, the more fogged I get.
Click to expand...
You will be able to walk through that fog with some help from others and find the clear sky of HEALING and RECOVERY.

Tom
 
why? To be normal... to be happy. I know it feels like that could never be but I assure you if you work hard and use all the tools that are given to you by your friends, therapist, other support, you can make it.

I was where you were and now I'm where I thought I would never be, and if you told me four years ago this would be the case I would have said, "No way."
 
Yes, you can forget about it, but your mind never forgets and it is always there like a huge weight.

Therapy may be hard, and it may stir up so many bad memories, but you have to face them and deal with them sometime.

I made myself forget, but the mind cannot, and it will resurface again.

When I first came here, I found a whole load of answers I had been waiting for, for four decades, and I am still learning, I suppose I also started to flip too.

I wish I could have made the decision to find therapy in my late teens, but I didnt, and I kick myself for that, but I have to be happy with what I have salvaged, and I dont suppose its worked out bad, even though its hard,

Peace,

ste
 
I agree with Scott, however painful we must look at what happened sooner or later. Maybe not all in one go, but we must face our past head on at some stage.

Maybe I would think about staying with this therapist if some work has already been done and some progress made? Continuity is always good, but I would certainly ask them to slow down, and keep their own personal views out of YOUR therapy.

Dave
 
Brian,

I have looked a lot at this thread and felt like I had something to say here, but I wasn't sure exactly what it was. In your first post you put it so clearly: Isn't it possible that in some cases the cost of recovery is just too high?

I have often wondered that myself, but now I think that at least part of the answer is that this kind of thinking is part of the process of denial. It is a way of saying what happened to me doesn't matter, I don't care, and so forth.

But when I say that what happened to me doesn't matter, I am also saying that I don't matter. When I say I don't care, I am also saying I'm not worth my own effort. Neither of those things can possibly be true.

I don't know anything about your own case Brian, but I wonder - as others above seen to be asking as well - whether you were trying to do things too fast. Perhaps you just needed to slow down. Recovery involves a lot of trust issues, and in the first place trusting yourself enough to admit the full horror of what really happened and to genuinely believe that it wasn't your fault. I can't speak for others, but for me stepping into the process of recovery - if that is what I am doing - meant an initial plunge into a lot of really dark questions and anxieties that I had not allowed myself to feel since I was 14. I guess the heart of the matter here is that in order to move forward you first have to know where you are. For me that has been really difficult.

That said, I would never go back - not in a million years. What I was living was a lie, pure and simple, and a pretty messed up lie at that. It was like living in a "Roger Rabbit" type cartoon: very reassuring and comforting, but absolutely fake. I know that what I get from all this isn't some idyllic existence where I find answers to all my questions and just forget what happened. But I do have enough faith in myself to make the effort, and I trust myself enough to believe that this will all work out for the better, and better by a long long way!!!

That is already an amazing thing - to believe in yourself again. I didn't even realize that I had stopped believing in myself, so I wasn't waiting or expecting any kind of turnaround there. I also didn't notice it as it began to happen. Just one day it occurred to me: hey, what's this? It was rather like taking a feeling of drowning for granted and then all of a sudden discovering that you used to enjoy swimming and now you do again. I often wonder what else have I lost so completely that I don't even realize it anymore? And then I think: Okay, what else will I get back? So many other guys who have fought this fight say it's the toughest thing I will ever do, but worth it nonetheless. What if they are right? That is perhaps the main reason I would never go back to the way things were.

Take care Brian. These are all intensely personal decisions and however you decide to go I wish you all the very best.

Larry
 
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