WHY ?---BIG TRIGGER

WHY ?---BIG TRIGGER
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one_day_at_a_time

Registrant
WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE?
I WAS A VICTIM WHEN I WAS 5
I DIDNT KNOW

I WAS A PERP WHEN I WAS 9-10
I DIDNT KNOW

I ACTED OUT WHEN I WAS 15
I DIDNT KNOW

I AM FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD NOW
I DONT KNOW

NO MATTER WHAT I DO SOMETIMES I THINK I CANNOT ESPCAPE THIS ABUSE AND ITS AFFECT ON MY SEXUAL IDENTITY AND MY NEEDS.

I KNOW I AM NOT GAY--I MEAN IM PRETTY SURE- BUT THEN AGAIN I DONT KNOW. WHAT IF IM LYING TO MYSELF, OR I THINK MY FEELINGS TO ACT OUT AGAIN ARENT REALLY HOMOSEXUAL FEELINGS TOWARDS ANOTHER MEN. I MEAN I DONT REALLY WANT TO DATE OTHER MEN, BUT SOMETIMES I AM DRAWN TO VERY GOOD LOOKING STRONG "MASCULINE" GUYS. SOMETIMES I WANT TO SUCK A DICK -EVEN THOUGH IT MADE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH WHEN MY PERP DID IT. I JUST WANT TO MOVE AWAY TO SOME OTHER COUNTRY WHERE I CAN BE SOME KIND OF MAN SLUT TO EVERY GREAT MAN THAT I SEE. IN A WAY I KNOW ITS WRONG, BUT IN A WAY IT FEELS RIGHT.

MY HEAD IS A MESS RIGHT NOW AND IM FIGHTING EVERY URGE TO FIND A MALE PORN SITE TO MASTURBATE TO. I WANT THIS TO STOP.

I WISH FOR A NORMAL LIFE. BUT THEN I DESERVE THIS FOR BEING A PERP. I DID THIS TO SOMEONE ELSE. I DESERVE TO BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY. I DONT DESERVE ENCOURAGEMENT AND PITY. I DESERVE DAMNATION AND PUNISHMENT FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE.

I WISH I COULD START ALL OVER AGAIN. CHANGE JUST THAT PART. I WOULD GET ABUSED BY 100 MEN IF IT MEANT THAT I COULD TAKE BACK MY ABUSE TO THE OTHERS I DID IT TO. I DESERVE NO HAPPINESS.

THIS IS MY TRUTH INSIDE THAT I WANT OT LET OUT TO YOU BECAUSE I HAVE NO ONE ELSE.
I ASK OF NO GOOD WORDS OR SENTIMENT BECAUSE MAYBE I DONT DESERVE IT, DESPITE WHAT MY PROBLEMS MAY BE. PRAY FOR HTE PEOPLE WHOSE LIVES I FUCKED UP FOREVER FOR THEY WILL NEED IT, NOT ME.
 
I can not speak for others here, I can speak onlly for myself. But, to me, a 'perp' at age 9 or 10 is not a hardened criminal who deserves hell and damnation. I was ten when the sexual abuse began, after all my life of physical abuse at home. My 'perp' was fifty years old. At nine or ten years old, I had no idea what he was doing, what I was doing, what any of it was. At nine or ten years old, I doubt that you knew what you were doing either. I wish I could answer 'why' for you. I can't. I don't know that anyone here can. I have been asking 'why' tonight of some things also, and there are no answers for that either.

You were a victim at an age when we should be learning to tie our shoes. Please try to forgive yourself. Yes, there are others who deserve help and healing. But you do also.

I wish you well, in spite of what you may think you deserve.

leosha
 
I too was abused at roughly the same age.

There are things I feel such remorse and guilt over. I do not like the person the abuse made me. It was not the only thing that made me be who I am, but it was the one seed of evil in what was an innocent life. That was not my fault and it is not yours.

I find it very hard to establish a relationship with a woman. I am not really attracted to men, but sometimes I doubt I am ever going to find a woman and then I have periods where I have fantasies about men. I also look at a lot of lesbian porn, I guess because I don't have to be involved and there is no risk of rejection. I think I am beginning to understand that I have a porn problem/addiction. I use porn as a subsitute for relationships because I fear rejection.

I guess what I am trying to say is that You are not the only one who has feelings of self loathing. And who wonders about his sexuality. I wonder if I am ever going to find a woman who would be interested in me and who interests me.

Do you workout? Lifting weights is what helped me to beat depression. Not saying I don't have aspects of low self esteem or other parts of depression, but for the most part I have stopped beating myself up as much as I used to. You might try working out in some manner.

If you do not like who you are, then change, step by step. I have been working on it for awhile now, and I have a long ways to go. You ain't gonna change overnight to a totally different person. BUt little by little you can change.

I am not a man of great faith, but I try to believe in God and Jesus. And I have seen heartfelt prayer work. Just pray to be different. It might work.
 
Hey Man:

Hang in there, you'll get though it. I to have struggle with my sexuailty. I was married for eight years,my wife left me, then I started dating guys. I guess I knew from a young age I like guys more than girls.

I have had a chance to talk to my counsellor about some of these very issue you bring up, he says that he doesn't believe that the abuse has anything to do with me liking guys. He also says because I did somethings when i was 11 or 12 this was more of just acting out what i was taught.
not sure if any of this is making sense but it late at night and i can't sleep again, hopefully I have help you abit.
Gus
 
My friend. My friend.

You were a child when you had this horrible thing happen to you. You were a child when you acted out, asking for help. You are a man saddled with the results of someone else's actions, not yours. The shame isn't yours, IT WAS NEVER YOURS.

I too am confused about my sexuality. Straight? Gay? What the hell am I?

The answer is the same for me as it is for you. What does it matter what you are? Who you love? Who you choose to have sex (or make love, vast difference and you deserve the latter)? What matters is that you are human, you hurt, and you deserve better.

Why do you think you're not worthy of kind words or prayers? Because you've made mistakes? My brother, we've ALL made mistakes. We ALL struggle with the aftereffects of the things that have been done to us. You are a child of the Earth, a child of God, no more, no less. And I care for you as much as I think you would care for me.

You are deserving of kindness and prayers. NEVER FOR A MOMENT DOUBT THIS!

If I, a man who has been told by his FATHER, by his SCHOOLMATES, by his ABUSERS, am as bad as I am and STILL worth love and compassion, then how can you, my brother, not be?

Please, my brother, believe. Believe that you are a special child of God and you are worthy of such.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
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