Why Are Men Afraid?

Why Are Men Afraid?
S

Sean Simms

Registrant
Why are men afraid of Love?
Why are men afraid to hold each other?
Why are men afraid to speak out?
Why are men afraid to cry?
Why are men afraid to be friends?
Why are men afraid to be happy?

Why do men email each other about abuse but not talk about it openly?
(It's better to talk intimantly than be intimate)

Why is group discussion limited to 12 step groups and once a year retreats?
(It's better to limit Love to one hour groups on Tuesday nights and one weekend a year gatherings)

Why do 70,000 people log on and read this this week but don't join in?
(It's the same as incest...they read about our personal lives but treat it as seriously as a TV show)

Why do discussion boards remind me of incest? (We're sharing a private part of ourselves with strangers just like our parents shared sex with a child to young to know what was going on)
 
Sean
we're afraid of what we don't understand.
And we don't understand why people who should have loved us and cared for us did the things they did.
We don't understand the way it affects us as adults, why we try to make it go away but it wont. Why we act the way do and feel the way we feel - we can't figure it out so we fear it.

You're right, it is better for some people to share their healing face to face with other men. But it's not always possible, and some men prefer the anonymity of a site like this. A lot of do both.

The huge numbers that visit this site are an indication of the size of the problem, but many aren't ready to make the huge decision to disclose yet, I hope that reading our posts helps them to come to a decision about their lives.

The topics we talk about are bound to be triggering and remind us all of our pasts, but that gets easier as we learn to heal ourselves.
And as we do all those things you rightly say we're afraid of become easier.
You might not be able to see and touch us but the support is for real.

Lloydy :)
 
Why are men afraid of love?
Not sure about others but I was taught that love means hurt, means being hit, means being raped, being forced to do what others wanted and doesn't mean anything positive. To this day, I can not utter those words to anyone. The closest thing I can say is you mean so much to me. True love was not taught to me, instead abuse was what was taught and while I am working on it, it is hard to redefine a concept like this.

Why are men afraid to hold each other
I can't speak for others but again, I was beat and hit and molested almost on a daily basis from the time I was a few years old until I went to college. Touch has been one of the hardest things for me to reclaim let alone letting anyone just hold me or hug me. I am learning and getting much better at this. In fact it is one of the reasons I have gone into Massage Therapy school.

Why are men afraid to speak out?
I'm not sure that I am afraid to speak out. I tend to be an out spoken person on child abuse. However there was a time not too long ago that I was afraid to speak about anything to anyone. For I was taught to be silent. That took some time to heal from and it still affects me every now and then.

Why are men afraid to be friends?
Again, I'm not sure about all men, but I have some very close friendships with both gals and guys that have lasted for many years. I wouldn't have made it this far without those.

Why are men afraid to cry?
I actually do cry. Not a lot, but I do and I am learning to accept it more and more and the hell with what others around me think. I can get angry and I am also a very sensitive emotional person, so I do cry. I'm finding out that I'm not alone either that other men do cry as well.

Why are men afraid to be happy?
I'm not! I have my bad days and I have been through a tremendous amount of shit in the past year or two, but I have a lot to be thankful for and to be happy about and I think I am. Of course for a long time I was so depressed that the word "happy" was not even my vocabulary. I still remember the first time I felt it at age 26 and it about scared the crap out of me.

I guess I really don't fit your definition that you are asking about although I am a man. I've come a long ways in my healing which has really changed that because at one time, I was anything but who I am now. I am constantly changing and I use anything and everything to help me change. It may be groups, individual therapy, survivor events, artshows, conferences, online forums, walks in the park, creating music, walks by the ocean, writing, poetry... I've got some survivor friends that I talk to frequently and I try to participate in any local acitvities that do come up.

Hopefully that sheds some light on your quesitons from one man's point of view. I would be curious as to why you define men in one broad stroke? While certain men do display these things, not all men are that way. Many of us are at different stages of our healing and what may seem very simple to one survivor, may appear as a mountain to another survivor. And self confidence/self worth takes some time to build as well or at least it did for me.

Don
 
Thanks for the message Don,
I don't think all men are the way I described them but I've been disappointed by most of the Men I've met in Men's Groups. My biggest disappointment came with a men's group at an anti-rape gathering for women. There most of the men were castrated (including myself). They didn't even allow men to speak out but I did and told the audience that my mother had castrated me. This infuriated many of the women there and well as the men. The women didn't realize that in their anger over being raped they had become hateful of men and tried to enslave them. These castrated men (you know the type, we were called pussies in High School) had become feminist men with no balls. Well most of these men hated me for what I said. Finally we tried to have a men's weekly meeting. Well I showed up and confronted the leader of the group. Guess what? He finally admitted he was a castrated man! That was incredible but soon afterward the group disbanded.
I was a little upset that they had left. It seemed so sad. So I get dissappointed when openness with men seems to be confined to the chat room and support groups. So I hope that clarifies where I am coming from. Thaks for your interest in what I am speaking about.
Sean
 
hey, sean, i'd like to say that i'm working on it. one of my goals is to get this issue out there, to put it in the public's face so that even when they close their eyes, they still see it. it's one of the reasons i'm in college, one of the reasons i want to go into psychology, one of the reasons i write so much and talk so little.

i think that a lot of men simply don't realize they have a right to be angry. men aren't told they can get outraged when women ignore them, or belittle them.

i "m one of the guys you're talking about who talks openly online, but not face-to-face. truth is, i'm naturally a quiet person. i'm somewhat shy, and would much rather listen than talk. my father said this about me, said that i was always the quiet kid, always looking and learning, not really noisy or nosy. when it comes to my past though, i'd rather be up front about it. for some ridiculous reason, i think i'm entitled to a little respect when i speak about what happened. i want peoples' full attention, not part of it. so for me, i'm not going to stand up in front of the world, shout that i was abused, and have ten people out of several hundred actually listen to me. i'd much rather write it down and slap the several hundred people in the face with it until their teeth fall out.

everyone deals with this in different ways. we all have baggage that we don't know what to do with, and it's often hard to impose it on someone to help you carry it. it takes a lot of confidence and resolve to be able to get up in front of people and say that you were abused. and given the response that usually follows it, most people in general wouldn't want to be in that position.

it really comes down to what feels most comfortable and what that person can handle. i think you're hitting a good point, that men do need to speak more openly, but that takes quite a bit of confidence and self-respect, and dignity to be able to stand up and say that, and take the heat. i know i'm not there yet, and i think it's possible that's why a lot of men might not speak openly.

jake
 
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