Hey @LinEar - I'm sorry you're struggling so much with this. I'm sure it's something all of us here have struggled with, though, or still struggle with. It is a truly devastating injury we've all suffered.
That's the way I think of it - as an injury. That seems to help me somewhat. At my workplace, I work alongside a couple of guys who, as teens, completely severed their spinal cords. They can't walk, or move their hands very well. Our injuries are no less devastating, except our injuries are mainly to our brains, nervous systems, and souls.
I'm sure my co-workers experienced waking up in the middle of the night, as you did, asking themselves "Why did I go skiing that day?" or whatever. Life can be pretty difficult for them. It's no less difficult for us, in a different way.
My point is that life isn't fair, and some people, like us, really get the crap end of the stick. My co-workers went through difficult physical therapy and use powered wheelchairs to get around; they don't just lie in bed all day. We can do the same by getting help and working hard to heal ourselves. It is possible.
Hello, LinEar - I think it's true, we all ask that question. Often in the middle of the night. Sometimes in the middle of the day. As was said in the above post - life isn't fair, and don't we know that. How I wanted things to have turned out differently, and it has taken me a long time to come to the place where I can say that they didn't turn out differently, they were hurtful, shameful and frightening and I'm left to deal with it all. Just like you. Just like every other man on this site........
Hey, while agreeing with everything written above wanted to share something which has recently started to shape in my mind. This idea of paying or making them pay with the revenge for the abuse is haunting me for years. Recently i started to drift into a very strange direction of disconnecting my life conditions from the abuse. Abuse is kinda theirs, and the abuser is the one who deals or not deals with it within the boundaries of their life, i am dealing with my life. Yes, they were able to cross my boundaries and hurt me, only thing i care about i am strong if things go bad again.
I know it might sounds like i am in denial, but in my mind it is a deeper level of acceptance of the past. In a way i don't want to give a f.. about the abuse because it's not mine, what worries me is PTSD i am learning to deal with and my fragility in relations with other people - this is what i am focused on right now, yes i understand clearly i got the PTSD as a consequences of the abuse, but this link in a way has no internal meaning for me anymore. So what?..
It doesn't mean i don't investigate the past, specially parts which are still in the amnesia/never being told, but i do it to heal myself.
Sorry if it sounds weird, but i hope it might help.
p.s. re-read my message and wanted to emphasis/add tldr part of what i am talking about: i don't need to sort out THEIR abuse, it's theirs to sort out. i "only" need to heal my wounds. ofcourse it's extremely hard, but at least we i don't carry it ALL.
SS, your post not only DOESN'T sound weird, it sounds like healing. We're not doing this work to memorialize the sexual trauma, to build an altar at which we worship every day. The tragedy of the trauma is precisely that we keep carrying it with us. We keep making choices, indulging in feelings all of which were generated by the trauma. We act out the trauma both through behaviors and in our minds. Honestly, it can't be different than that UNTIL it is different. We first tell ourselves the painful truth. Being able to step out of the trauma takes great courage, but it is only when we do that that we can acknowledge the truth of what happened. We do that with deep compassion for ourselves for our response to all of it, because invariably we did things that brought us shame. And when we tell the truth we also can begin to do exactly what you're doing... living your life while continually disentangling yourself from the snares laid down in the abuse... again, in your behavior and in your mind. Doing this allows the trauma to remain in the past, with the perpetrators. You liberate yourself, liberate this moment and live. Yes, the trauma was horrific and it consumed much of our lives... but we're here because we want our lives back. We heal our wounds even as we claim our aliveness. You're doing exactly that. Deep respect SS.
The question why am I the only one who paid is one that I think a lot of survivors ask themselves. My abusers all got away scot-free, save for one, and that is not because of me, but because the sick bastard continued his evil ways.
I feel like I was handed a life sentence, and all of them avoided any consequence for what they did to me. Is it fair? No. It is grossly UNFAIR. But I can spend my days contemplating the unfairness of it all, or I can spend them reclaiming my life. The choice, for me, is a no-brainer, though it took me YEARS to get here. We are in this together. Let us never forget that.