Why am I so terrified???
Possible triggers
I'm in a very rough spot in my therapy (see my earlier thread "Triggered by T's well-meaning question". I've chatted here with a few men who have been most helpful, but yet I'm struggling in my mind. I can only hope that this is not uncommon in this process. I keep having this irrational fear that I'll say or do something inappropriate that will cause my T to reject me or get kicked out of the program. Rationally, this is nuts because I've been on my best behavior. I've been triggered by my T's gentle, well-meaning feedback and I struggle between feeling angry but feeling I don't have the right to feel angry at such a gentle person who's trying to help me. So far, I've had a couple of severe episodes in which I go totally bananas at something he's said, and after much effort I can see what he's been trying to tell me, which is usually spot on. I do have some areas of disagreements but whenever I try to argue, I feel he doesn't get it, but knowing that this is not out of malice, I tend to stuff my feelings because I know he's not trying to hurt me.
I've shared elsewhere that I have a long history of seeking help for my SSA only to be misunderstood and being told that I was "born that way" and that I was "in denial" and that I needed to "accept and celebrate who I really am". While I understand the well-intentioned efforts to address legitimate issues like homophobia, their dogmatic approach totally missed the mark. However, my T does seem to GET it a lot better than others in my past, in that particular area I do feel heard.
I've been pondering about my fear of rejection from him when he's not rejecting me. I did come to the realization that it is easier for me to experience rejection from an obviously abusive person, as I do have enough self-respect (now, although certainly that was difficult for me in the past, years ago), but it is much harder for me to experience rejection from an obviously good, kind person, because then I cannot blame the rejection on an abuser, so then the blame goes to me, or so my distorted thinking goes. There is zero evidence that he's rejecting me, and there's zero evidence I'm saying anything remotely inappropriate. I'm putting an enormous pressure on myself and it's wearing me down.
I do carry a ton of anger and rage, I feel like a volcano, and I know he understands that and insists that it's OK for me to feel angry. I'm not worried about me becoming violent as I have no such thoughts, I'm afraid of the intensity that would hurt other people's feelings, or being inappropriate.
POSSIBLE TRIGGERS On our last session, I told him of a horrific beating I got as a child unexpectedly, not understanding why I was being beaten. I found out later that I was beaten because we were in a party and I was hungry but the food hasn't been served, and I kept asking "when's the food going to come?", so it was all about my bad manners. I remember noticing that on the drive home, my dad was very quiet, the minute we got home I got the beating, I still remember the hot tears I cried because I didn't know why this was happening. I can write this OK with no problems today, as I've never forgotten the memory, it's nothing that's surfacing suddenly, it's more like a biographical fact, but as I was telling this to my T, while I was already in a highly charged emotional state, and I actually FELT the original terror at being punished for being inappropriate without realizing it. I felt the exact pain and cried the exact tears I cried that night, so it makes sense this may be part of it, but realizing this doesn't help my terror go away.
I have a long history of being rejected, by my mother, my sister, my classmates who bullied me, the well-meaning counselors that rejected my assertions of my abuse causing my SSA, not understanding what is it that I did wrong. One more thing, on his better moments, my father really tried to be a good father, praising me a lot and making sure I got what I needed, and I bonded with him a lot more than with my mother, but it was very confusing to see how he could be so wonderful one moment and a raging demon the next. On the other hand, my T has been a model of gentleness, and I think I'm fearing that I'll accidentally unleash an abuser that is simply not there.
I fear that my suspiciousness and unfounded fears can sabotage the therapeutic relationship. I imagine this kind of stuff happens and is to be expected in therapy, but I sense i'm on a difficult, delicate spot and I'm terrified that I'll find a way of sabotaging it and that it will be all my fault. Writing this last sentence, I feel very childish, but that's how I see it.
I could use some perspective and comforting words. I'm going crazy here. I hope that's normal for this process.
Thanks
I'm in a very rough spot in my therapy (see my earlier thread "Triggered by T's well-meaning question". I've chatted here with a few men who have been most helpful, but yet I'm struggling in my mind. I can only hope that this is not uncommon in this process. I keep having this irrational fear that I'll say or do something inappropriate that will cause my T to reject me or get kicked out of the program. Rationally, this is nuts because I've been on my best behavior. I've been triggered by my T's gentle, well-meaning feedback and I struggle between feeling angry but feeling I don't have the right to feel angry at such a gentle person who's trying to help me. So far, I've had a couple of severe episodes in which I go totally bananas at something he's said, and after much effort I can see what he's been trying to tell me, which is usually spot on. I do have some areas of disagreements but whenever I try to argue, I feel he doesn't get it, but knowing that this is not out of malice, I tend to stuff my feelings because I know he's not trying to hurt me.
I've shared elsewhere that I have a long history of seeking help for my SSA only to be misunderstood and being told that I was "born that way" and that I was "in denial" and that I needed to "accept and celebrate who I really am". While I understand the well-intentioned efforts to address legitimate issues like homophobia, their dogmatic approach totally missed the mark. However, my T does seem to GET it a lot better than others in my past, in that particular area I do feel heard.
I've been pondering about my fear of rejection from him when he's not rejecting me. I did come to the realization that it is easier for me to experience rejection from an obviously abusive person, as I do have enough self-respect (now, although certainly that was difficult for me in the past, years ago), but it is much harder for me to experience rejection from an obviously good, kind person, because then I cannot blame the rejection on an abuser, so then the blame goes to me, or so my distorted thinking goes. There is zero evidence that he's rejecting me, and there's zero evidence I'm saying anything remotely inappropriate. I'm putting an enormous pressure on myself and it's wearing me down.
I do carry a ton of anger and rage, I feel like a volcano, and I know he understands that and insists that it's OK for me to feel angry. I'm not worried about me becoming violent as I have no such thoughts, I'm afraid of the intensity that would hurt other people's feelings, or being inappropriate.
POSSIBLE TRIGGERS On our last session, I told him of a horrific beating I got as a child unexpectedly, not understanding why I was being beaten. I found out later that I was beaten because we were in a party and I was hungry but the food hasn't been served, and I kept asking "when's the food going to come?", so it was all about my bad manners. I remember noticing that on the drive home, my dad was very quiet, the minute we got home I got the beating, I still remember the hot tears I cried because I didn't know why this was happening. I can write this OK with no problems today, as I've never forgotten the memory, it's nothing that's surfacing suddenly, it's more like a biographical fact, but as I was telling this to my T, while I was already in a highly charged emotional state, and I actually FELT the original terror at being punished for being inappropriate without realizing it. I felt the exact pain and cried the exact tears I cried that night, so it makes sense this may be part of it, but realizing this doesn't help my terror go away.
I have a long history of being rejected, by my mother, my sister, my classmates who bullied me, the well-meaning counselors that rejected my assertions of my abuse causing my SSA, not understanding what is it that I did wrong. One more thing, on his better moments, my father really tried to be a good father, praising me a lot and making sure I got what I needed, and I bonded with him a lot more than with my mother, but it was very confusing to see how he could be so wonderful one moment and a raging demon the next. On the other hand, my T has been a model of gentleness, and I think I'm fearing that I'll accidentally unleash an abuser that is simply not there.
I fear that my suspiciousness and unfounded fears can sabotage the therapeutic relationship. I imagine this kind of stuff happens and is to be expected in therapy, but I sense i'm on a difficult, delicate spot and I'm terrified that I'll find a way of sabotaging it and that it will be all my fault. Writing this last sentence, I feel very childish, but that's how I see it.
I could use some perspective and comforting words. I'm going crazy here. I hope that's normal for this process.
Thanks