why am I so broken

[ConfusedandAbused]

my entire life has revolved around distortions, deviancy, omissions, substance abuse never being able to really talk about whats going on inside me

 

[MO-Survivor]

...never being able to really talk about whats going on inside me

I think you answered your question

Actually, what happened to you broke you. But never being able to really talk about what's going on has kept everything in the darkness by yourself. Only by bringing things out into the open, with someone else (or more than one person), are we able to start to change, heal and find freedom. Glad that you are here @ConfusedandAbused!

 

[Hiding from Myself]

The secrets we carry as a result of our abuses create a heavy burden. It is only when you stop protecting your secret that you can begin to lift yourself up to overcome it & relieve yourself from all the guilt & shame of it all as it was never yours to carry. Best wishes for you & take good care.

 

[Bornfree]

I just don't feel like going into all the nitty gritty details of what happened. I've told my wife, she knows I was sexually abuse at age 4 by my "play-mate". She knows what happened (sort of) to me when I was 12, and my doc knows about what that other doc did. Doctors have no need to do rectal exams on 12 year old boys unless there is something to physically indicate it is necessary to do, otherwise, it could be defined as rape, as is the case with me!

 

[BDD]

I was never able to really say what was going on inside of me because I was protecting myself.
My preferred technique was to minimize, to believe things were less bad than they were.

A great therapist once questioned my use of the the word broken to describe myself.
"Harmed By", yes
"Challenged", yes
"Burdened with", yes
But by my presence, not broken.
You being able to ask the questions prove you aren't either.

 

[Bornfree]

I was never able to really say what was going on inside of me because I was protecting myself.
My preferred technique was to minimize, to believe things were less bad than they were.

A great therapist once questioned my use of the the word broken to describe myself.
"Harmed By", yes
"Challenged", yes
"Burdened with", yes
But by my presence, not broken.
You being able to ask the questions prove you aren't either.

But I still feel torn to pieces!

Hey, your pic has a resemblance to a boy I knew in highschool. The '70's era. It could have been so much better for us if we had had the supports in place that we needed from the beginning instead of having to go through abuse.

 

[BDD]

But I still feel torn to pieces!

Hey, your pic has a resemblance to a boy I knew in highschool. The '70's era. It could have been so much better for us if we had had the supports in place that we needed from the beginning instead of having to go through abuse.

I know the feeling.

Did you go to high school in Pennsylvania?