Why am I scared to be intimate with women? Why do I shy away from friends?

Why am I scared to be intimate with women? Why do I shy away from friends?
L

Lando

Registrant
Some nights it feels like torture to go out with "the guys" to the bars downtown. I dont know how to act around girls, i mean its hard to be this agressive macho guy when u feel like a little coward kid inside who was stripped of his manhood when he was a child. I think i might even be afraid to become intimate if it really came down to it. What usually happens when i do start to get intimate is i will get "excited" at the start but soon after my mind races and i become nervous [even more than i am around girls in general :) ] and once that happens well kiss the pleasure goodbye....awww its soo D#mn enbarrassing. My confidence and sexual confidence are really low about 70% of the time. well thats one issue im trying to deal with....many more where that came from :)
this site is really good! second day here too.

thanks guys,

Lando
 
Lando, I think a lot of us here can identify with that one, I remember losing my first girlfriend as a 14yo, it was the biggest hurt of my life. It took me ages of wooing her, and she really liked me, but I just got a strange feeling, that I was dirty and disgusting, it must have had an effect on her. She broke off from me, and I just went away and cried, I asked her best friend what went on, but she wouldn't tell me.

When you get to going out with friends to pick up women or just drinking, you are conscious of being different and holding back so much garbage, that you are scared of having a good time for fear of just venting off the dread you'v e keep secret for so long.

I remember chatting with the girls, and just thinking to myself, should I tell her what happened? It's not that easy though, because if you do, you think she will walk away, if you don't, you are still going to have to tell her your awful secret!

I could write an essay on this one, if you tell the girl and she knocks you back, you feel like shit and it really numbs you, so you don't tell the next one. If she does get to go with you, and you tell her later, and she then knocks you back, you feel even worse!

In retrospect, I would first get to know the girl, and tell her as soon as I could, maybe over dinner, b ut warn her beforehand. If she likes you so much, she will be with you and give it a try, if she can't, then the situation is over.

I know the feeling of numbness, and not being able to show natuaral feelings because of the pain of the past. Not being able to show natural emotion, sure is a bad one, and loses so many friendships, and love.

I hope you can get over this by sharing it. If I remember right, I felt that part of my mind blocked out the hurt. Maybe I just didn't want to be a burden on a girl. It is tough and causes so many problems, but you can get there knowing others have been there, ;)

take care,

ste
 
Lando
I'm 51yo and been married for 30 years, and I could have written your post.

Abuse has a terrible effect on our ideas about sex.
They were formed too early and entirely wrongly.

How do we overcome this wrong information and learning?
I'm a firm believer in good therapy, with someone who KNOWS about CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse)
You also have youth on your side, which I also believe helps greatly.
In your other post you mention the "macho" lifestyle that you struggle with - keeping up with your friends etc.
Well, the most 'macho' thing I ever did was admit that I needed proper help, and then walk through a therapists door.

Getting help is cool!

Dave
 
Hi Lando, Hope you don't mind a older guy sitting in. If you have read any books on shyness, you will know that the bar scene is one of the most stressful ones there is. Meeting girls at work, church, a club meeting is much less stressful. In a bar, trying to meet a girl when I was single, I would have this racing thought, about what the girl was thinking about me. You see I was raped by a stranger. In a bar I am a stranger approaching a girl because I find her sexy. My racing thought is because I am a stranger, she may be thinking that I want to force myself on her. Another problem I had was when I was attracted to a girl it was always a strong attraction. You know that scale we all have that we rate girls on that goes from 0 to ten, well for me it would start a about 7 and go to 15. The problem with that is if it got above a 5, I would start not to trust myself. I think this thought comes from being raped. Every rape victim thinks that for whatever reason the guy who raped them was attracted to them, but could not control himself. So when I have strong sexual feeling for a girl, I do not trust me. In a attempt to numb these feelings and thoughts, I would have several drinks before approaching the girl, I was usually turned down, what girl wants to get on the dance floor with a drunk.

About racing thoughts in the bed room, you need to tell us what they are when you are ready.
Here is what happened to me the first 10 to 15 times I had sex, I did not have a orgasm! What was that all about? Turned out the thought that was messing it up was, I was worrying that I was going to do something wrong and hurt the girl down there! So I was going too slow, and did not have a orgasm. There are still times when I don't, but they are more due to over work, or thinking about something else.

In one of my confusing times, when have they not been, I went to the library and read a lot of books. This is the book I read on rape. https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0231096755/qid=1101848369/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/103-3877760-2714208?v=glance&s=books
I also read a book about super shy men, there are so many things in that book that match up to me it is unbelievable. This is that book. https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0819170097/qid%3D1101861816/sr%3D11-1/ref%3Dsr%5F11%5F1/103-3877760-2714208 I am not saying that this apples to you but it is a interesting book.
If your library does not have these books, they may be able to get them from another library for you.

Also I read your other post. I am glad you found this place, I wish you had found it sooner, And I wish that nothing bad had ever happened to you.
 
Hello Lando,

I feel exactly the same way. It is so incredibly difficult for me to persue women. It is a combination of not wanting to force myself on them, a realization that I would never be accepted by any women. Even if I did somehow start a relationship I can't imagine being intimate with someone.

It's rough stuff. Thankfully I can just claim I'm focusing on college instead till I get it worked out.

-Eric
 
You asked why, so I'll give you one of the short answers. You were tought to fear the people who you trust and care about.
 
Lando,

You're brothers are so right on with their responses to you. Geez, when you think what we went through and then picture us not having problems in relating, intimately with anyone, let alone a girl/woman where we're suppose to shine as studs of the month.
Well, let me tell you, I so agree about the pressure of the bar scene...meeting a girl doing what you like to do is the best bet. Can you imagine telling us one day about meeting that adorable creature in your choice of book club? Or would it be the beautiful hardbody you meet rock climbing? Geez, could she be that dark beauty you discovered in the local dive club. We've got a venerable old club here, The Mazamas, Oregon wide nature club, made up of all sorts of outdoor types. So, you pick it, biking, hiking, bird watching or cruising, you WILL meet that certain someone who will maybe even start the conversation.
Good luck, relax and enjoy yourself, you'll surprise your buddies by one day introducing your girlfriend to them. You know, the one who likes to do more than drink beer and eye ball the boys in the bar.

David
 
Lando,

I still have time when I will back away from all my friends, do the 'push away' when I can not be around people. I would not feel comfortable in the setting you describe, going out with 'the guys' to bars or such. I use to do that, when I was still rather frozen off from the memories. But since 'thawing' some, I can't. It would feel rather threatening to me. So I have made some adjustments in what I feel comfortable with. I think you will also. As for intimicy with a woman, I have very little experience with that. I have had relations with my girlfriend three times now. We have been together as dating for more then a year. I am lucky to have a woman of inordinate patience. It is as with all else, as we practice it more, we become more comfortable. I wish you luck.

leosha
 
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