Who would I have been? (Triggers)

Who would I have been? (Triggers)
S

sadanddown

Registrant
Who could I have been? What would I have become? These are some of the questions I have been struggling with tonight. I just wonder what kind of a person I would have became if I was not abused. I know that it has affected me in so many ways that I cannot even count them up, but what would I be like if it never happened? I'm feeling like my life has been stolen away from me, a life that I never even got to know. I don't know if anyone else has thought about this, it makes me very upset and is hard to talk about. Would I be doing better than I am now? Would I be more confident, more loving, what? I will never get to know, and that really bothers me. It makes me sick, now I'm crying...maybe I'll type more later after the keyboard dries up.


Jon
 
There are so many 'what if...'s in life. The ones relating to the past are pretty much a waste of time. No matter what, you cannot change the past.

The future is what is important now. The future is yours to make for yourself. The 'what if...'s of today are the ones that shape your future. The 'what if I don't go to therapy', the 'what if I decide to drink myself into oblivion', the 'what if...'s that matter and affect you here and now and in the future.

No matter how much we would like to change our past, we can't. But we can make our today and our tomorrow much better.
 
I dont care any more. The abuse still hurts. It always will. I am stronger than the abusers. The effects of the abuse are something that I must live with every day. It is becoming my tool, my empowerment. Since I can never be free of it, I will make it my servant.

Because of the abuse I am stronger. I am kinder. More understanding. No credit here to the abusers. It all belongs to me. I am the one who continues to survive, finding in my damaged heart the resources to do good.

For all of the hurt and insanity that I have had to endure, I am proud of that abused child for the protection he has provided. That little kid has brought me thru the last 50 years, and he will still be carrying me tomorrow.

God bless the child thats got his own...

So, what is my point?

I need to heal. I will always need to heal. There is a wound on my soul that I will always carry. And I am a better person than I might have been because of it. I understand things that I could not have otherwise understood. Without it I would be shallow. It has given me the dimensions of emotion. It has forced my intellect to function beyond its rational ability. It has shown me ugliness and beauty surpassing normal perception. I hear what others cannot hear. It has made me insane and given me reason.

Would I reject all of this? Well, I cant. It happened. Its done. The choice was not mine. Was it a curse or a gift? Cant say.

Aden
 
I agree. We cannot change our past. But I have also struggled a lot with this question of what would I have become if I did not have to carry the effects of the SA with me.

As Bill said, it is the future what is more important now. And thinking about this “what if” has helped me in building a brighter future for myself. Thinking about "what if the SA had not happened" has helped me identify a lot of "problems" that I have which I only recently realized that are actually effects of the SA. I used to feel guilty about the abuse and to carry the guilt into my sexual life. Because I was sexually abused I thought that the only effects of the SA were in the sexual realm. But understanding that “if I had not been abused” I would probably also be more confident in general, be more comfortable around male friends, be more assertive at work, and I could go on and on with this list, understanding those things have helped me identify areas that I can work on and improve. I found that I can build a future for myself where I rescue those qualities that were lost due to the SA and integrate them into my life. So I believe that we should not feel that “all was lost” and that we are doomed to live a life that is less than what it could have been. Our lives can still be as bright as and even brighter than what they could have been. I have faith in this.
 
I always thought the same question, but after all, we cannot change who we are, and what we have become. I think in many ways it teaches me to look at life so much differently than most others.

It teaches me to see life as dangerous, harsh, people can be so cruel, but I can also see so much more beauty in the world, so the beauty takes away the harshness of life and fulfills me.

Maybe I could have so much more in life, but I just have to do with what I have right now, that is not much, but it is a lot more than other folk have in their forsaken world.

That is just how I think,

I have the richness in knowing that I am me,

take care,

ste
 
dan - 'what will be' not what would have been -
mourn the past - but what will be
is that you will fight to live better now that you are on the road of recovery -
you are worthy and you have a fighting spirit i know it - turn that onto the idea of the road to discovering who you are -
i cannot say if the abuse made me a bad or better person -
i know that i have lost 35 years of my life -
i am making a new life for myself now -
i am reaching out - and learning what it means to have friends -

you can do this i know you can -

and at the risk of sounding contrived there is something Hellen Keller said about her disability which helped her know her mind, her self and her god -

and so maybe it is like this for us abuse survivors - we know and have a sensitivity
and a consciousness now that at times can be overwhelming - but at times - can give great gifts creatively - maybe that is too hopeful - but in knowing the meaning of seeing what is good for ourselves now and appreciating just the moments of peace - life seems to be a sewing together of those moments - peace -
and maybe there's more that you can add now that you may feel are special insites you have -

sorry this post is not that great - i am trying -
but
i cannot see the glass half empty - it is like staring at something too frightening - and so
fight dan -

push forward you

will be fine dan - as long as you remember you have to believe you have the value to give healing to yourself - a kind spirit once said that to me and it made all the difference -
cause it meant not only did he care but he knew and reminded me i had the right to and needed to care -

which i know you do - so do i

god bless

mark
 
Hi Jon,

I have felt this myself many times and every time I have an insight into another aspect of how the abuse influences my life, I feel the grief. Yes it is sickening and painful to face those losses. I think it is part of healing to mourn the losses and that the crying helps me move on. I feel robbed of so much, ruined is the word that pops into my head when I feel this. Having to go therapy and paying angers me, I feel like I am paying for the crimes of others.

What I would have been is hard to imagine, it would have been another life entirely. With work on this I am getting to a place where I appreciate and am happier with who I am. As others have said the future is ours and I am getting better at choosing what that future will be.

Take care,

Rustam.
 
When I was in high school, my art teacher took a bunch of us to see Susanna Kaysen speak and read from her book "Girl, Interupted." I recall her discussing at length how the mental health industry and society in general desired to label people as crazy, and more than that, we accept those labels as thinking something is wrong with us. She said that in reality, this was a way of stifling who we are both in personality and creativity. At the time, I remember being really offended because I was being pumped full of Prozac at 17 and wanted so desperately to believe that it was fixing my problems.

As an adult, I realize that she was right. Instead of wondering what we could have been without the abuse, we have to take who we have become because of it and run with it. Stop labeling ourselves crazy or damaged goods. Stop diminishing our abilities to make this world a better place out of our abusive pasts. We are not crazy. We are not damaged. We are not broken. We have all had to deal with some major trauma in our lives and the question is not what we would have been without it but how to accept ourselves in spite of it.
 
I think you gotta find some light in this. Like, your probably a little more artistic than most - or you have a better eye for detail. You probably have some outstanding quality that doesnt go unrecognized.

My 'what if' would go something like:
Ide be just like most of the ignorant world who thinks men are men and cant be hurt, and tears are for girls and children. Men should drink beer, watch football, and 'woo' at passing females.
 
Hey Jon,

I wrote about this very subject in my blog one day so I'm gonna just paste it here. You are who you are and in the end you can be stronger than you ever thought you could. Here is what I posted:

Have you ever thought about what life would have been like if you didnt have a problem when you were a kid? I think we all do sometimes. We can play the what if game all we want but it wont get us anywhere, I think the best thing to do is think about the here and now.

But that doesnt stop me from thinking, What if?

Whats nice now (and Ive mentioned this before) is I think Im stronger than the person I would have been. What with all the tricks and tips Ive learned over the past few years, during my recovery,on how to relax, not let people get to me, keeping a cool head while the world around you is falling apart you know, I got a really great toolbox chock full of things that get me smoothly (most times) through my day. I mean, some things that happen around here could bring an air traffic controller to their knees, but I get by.

I couldnt say this three years ago, you know?

I know, I know, you're saying, "Yeah, ok, so you have this "toolbox" what good is that to me?" Well my toolbox doesn't help you, you have to put one together yourself 'cause every recovery is different. What I'm showing you is that the prospect of recovery is not hopeless.

Maybe I would have done better in school, had the confidence to strive for a big career, learned that rejection is sometimes a part of life not always something personal.

Ill never know, and I dont need to know.

It doesnt matter. Only today matters right now matters.

Its the breath Im taking right now keeping me alive, not the one I took before, and not the one Ill take next.

Right now.


Take care,

Curtis
 
If it hadn't happened to me, then some other little kid may have suffered instead - I prefer that it happened to me because I have been able to handle it in my own way. Yes it screwed me up for a very long time - now I've traded places with my abuser by making a 15 page statement against him - he's now feeling the pain, whilst I've got support.

How would I have been different if it hadn't happened? Maybe I wouldn't have had the same empathy for others. Maybe I wouldn't have been the one that everyone else comes to when they have a problem. Maybe I wouldn't stand up for the underdog at work. Maybe I wouldn't have been selected as a godfather 3 times. Maybe I wouldn't be named in my friends will as guardian to their 3 children despite the fact that he has 2 sisters, and his wife has 6 brothers. Maybe I would have been married with 3 children of my own. Maybe I would have been an international Rock Star.

All of those maybes used to hurt me... maybe I wouldn't have been me & really I'm not that bad of a person.

Let's all promise to look in the mirror each morning & say 'maybe it's not that bad - I could have been somebody else'.

Maybe I am OK - Rik
 
Jon,

If I had to pick one thread as an example of the care, support and encouragement that goes on here at Male Survivor, it could be this one.

There isn't a false word here, anywhere, Jon. These guys have been through it, are working on it or otherwise have enough experience to know what they are talking about.

I think that your question has a double edge to it depending on one's age. Some of us can look back and lament, while others of us, such as yourself, can look forward and put too much pressure on ourselves as we think about what is going to happen to us.

If I'm not correct, I think that you're in school. What a pressure cooker to begin with. You certainly don't need to be kicking yourself in the butt about the abuse that you have suffered. Yes, you want to get through and make this schooling a meaningful experience, but don't overload it with, "should on's." You know, all of those, should do this, should be thinking that.

Heaven forbid, doing school has enough of that sh** already.

You're an incredible, unique you, and if we don't get our poem book put together for several months, so be it. But without your suggestion and help, we would never be working on it.

"I hate that you had to go looking for this site, but I'm glad-er than hell, that you found us."

David
 
sadanddown
The man you were always meant to be is still there, he's hiding away because he fears the abuser and his lies.

The real you is hidden because you spend so much time and effort dealing with their crap, you just haven't had the chance to let yourself out.

The abusers lied to us, they forced us to keep THEIR secret - it was NEVER our secret. And as we did that we remained in their grip.

Do the work, shake off the secret, be yourself.

Dave
 
I've built a life and relationships on who I am now, as messed up as that may be.

One real fear that bubbles up in reading this thread is this: What if I can do the work, shake off the secret, be myself, and my wife doesn't like me?
 
I think for me, this kind of thinking just ruins me for days. I can not focus on 'what if's and 'what could I have beens' because it truly depresses and unsettles me for days or longer at a time.

We have no control over the past. We can not change that. What we have control of is ourself, right now. We can create ourselves to be the best 'us' we can be. And we can do what is in our power to create a better life and better self for us now and in future.

'Who would I have been' is a question I can not answer. Who can I be? The best me I can be NOW.

leosha
 
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