Who I Am

I was just writing a private reply to another member and something popped into my head that I decided I would like to share.

I started recovery about 12 years ago and then took a pretty long break. I recently jumped back in and started working on this stuff again. What I have realized is that I am now able to deal with my abuse on a more positive note.

Although my abuse was a horrible period in my life, I am able to embrace some of the results of my abuse. As I described in my story, my Father was an extremely violent drunk. The combination of my Father's physical abuse and my sexual abuse have had one very profound effect on me. Since I began recovery, I have committed to not hurting other living beings. I don't think I'm better than others, but for me I have constantly tried to not be like my Father and I have a profound love for children. For the rest of my life, I will always do what I can to protect children and to help children. I have never laid a hand on my kids and I never will. I tell my boys that I love them at least 20 times a day.

I guess what I am saying is that without my abuse (both sexual and physical) I probably would have ended up like my dad (Now that is a horrible fate). So, in a twisted way, I can thank my violent dad and my sexual abuser for my capacity to love and my non-violent nature. Maybe it wasn't the best or easiest way to achieve this, but at least I did.

 

[The Dean]

Will, that is a beautiful post and a really positive way to live. Not to ever hurt another living thing. Great. Your sons are very blessed as are you to be their Dad. Much joy to your family.
Bob

 

[Spider-man]

I have a sense of what you mean. My dad didn't perpetrate SA on me, but growing up to the age of 9 with a sociopath wasn't much fun. Then after that, he just left.

I was terrified for years I might end up like him. But what that ultimately has boiled down to, for me, is to take it as an example of how I should NOT behave.

 

[Dan01]

Will, I havn't posted here in a while but I can really relate to this post. I too was physically and severly sexually abused groing up. I am still reeling from the hurricane of affects.

I did however, make a very concrete decision long ago, when I married and had children, to make damed sure my two boys 8 and 5, have a safe place, with a loving family to grow up in. I love them more than myself and cannot imagine inflicting the pain and hurt I was put through. Even though at times I feel like shit. It is very comforting that I could still be a good and loving father and husband to my family. Sometimes I get a bit scared I am goning to loose it, in front of them or somthing, but thank God it hasn't happened and I make sure they aren't affected by my issues. And when I see their beautiful happy, confident carefree, smiles it makes me wanta just try harder, and to some extent takes some of my pain away.

Peace, Dan