Who helps, who hinders?

Who helps, who hinders?
I

Ivanhoe

Registrant
I suppose we don't need another thread, but I'm coming off a pretty rough weekend again and I was just wondering who has been a help in your recovery, and how, and who has not been a help, but more of a hindrance.

I could even speak to how my therapist has hindered my progress some, but then, he has been more help than harm so I don't tend to think that he's been a hindrance.

I guess I'm thinking more of family and friends, who have helped or hindered.

I've had to leave a couple of "friends" in the dust because one became abusive and the other, I just couldn't take anymore, because I thought that I had been more than tolerant of his opinions.

And then there is my spouse, she has been an angel, she has been a devil. At one point I'm thinking that I couldn't do this without her and in another sense, I wish that I could recover at some camp or something and come home for visits.

Frustrated,

David
 
I feel it - everyone who helps, in some form. It - obstacles of a trail which we remember and we learn about us directly from, not the smoothnesses of a path. Even those who does us bad service, we are capable to make their presence at our life by the useful tool we learn from.

VN
 
My parents hinder my progress. And it's by doing what they do best--absolutely nothing. By saying nothing, my mom is saying, "What you're going through is unimportant to me." I don't know why it should surprise me. When I was a kid with a cough and a runny nose and I'd say, I don't know if I'm well enough to go to school today, she'd say, "Well, if you don't know, then you must be well enough." And off I'd go to school with my kleenex and my cough drops in hand. If I'm going to slide backwards, it's going to be after talking to my mom. To her, our family was normal, she loved us, she loved her husband who beat me, and "I thought we would be over all this by now." My whole family is that way. And to this day they are critical and condescending. It's like they are designed to make me feel like dirt and that everything is my fault. The only defense I know that works for me is just to stay away from them and ignore them.

My therapist never hindered me, because if he started some new type of therapy, I told him that's not working. Then he'd get back on track and do it my way. Sounds arrogant, but it wasn't. I knew what worked for me, and I also knew that HE worked for me. I don't know how many cars I've bought that guy. That's the advice I'd give anyone doing this work: Keep control of your healing. Cooperate with the therapist as long as it helps, take the medication if it helps, but speak up if something stops working.

I also had friends I left behind. No so much because they were hindering me, but because as I changed for the better and started playing new tapes in my head, I started liking my old friends less. A couple of them used me, and before I didn't see it, but now I do and I think, What did I ever see in those selfish, manipulating men who act just like my father? Now I've found new friends who seem to really care about me. Some of them are here on this site. It's my new friends and new "family" who help me keep going. You're included in that, David.

I'm really sorry you had a bad weekend. If you want to talk, I'm here.
 
Hi David,

Sorry you had a crummy weekend. Like most people, I think there are those who help and hurt in our recovery. Here's a few for me:

HELPS:
1. My Wife - she's my number 1 supporter and confidant. She fully knows about the abusive people in my past (and present) and is like a pit bull on a leash, just trying to break loose and chew them all to pieces. It feels good to have someone on your side who is mad for you.
2. MS peers - having all you guys here as a sounding board and more importantly, as friends, has been a tremendously healing experience. I know I would never have progressed this far with therapy alone.
3. Therapists - I saw 3 separate therapists over the last 14 months. They were all good and guiding me towards where I needed to go.

HURTS:
1. My mother - when I tried to talk to her about the past, her responses were belittleing, denial, and sarcastic. She only wanted to tell me about how "fun" my childhood was. I knew then that there was going to be no reaching her.
2. MS peers - I know I have it listed above as a help (and 99% is), but there is also a 1% hurtful aspect to the site due to bad experiences. Whether consciously done or not, it had a bad impact when you reach out and are made to feel those same feelings from childhood, being trash, etc. So yes, even MS can be a hurt.
3. "Friends" - those you take into your confidence, who express concern, but never check to see if you're still alive or not. I guess it becomes a litmus test of whether they ever really were true friends or not.
 
David, like all families, or *most*, they have so much hindered me at times, but I have a younger brother who is like my twin.

I worried so much about him, when he was away on the Continent working for so long, but now he is back, I hope he stays, but I fell he is ready to go again to live in New Zealand, I hope not.

I never found one answer till I came here, so I was just digging the dirt, so this place has really been cool.

I have been 'chasing' girlfriends away all my life, but now I think that can be over, as I am finding my feet so much.

Get rid of the chaff, and hold onto the good, it is all around us, if we can find it.

I was lucky to have a Dad who really cared so much, but even that caused me problems, with jealousy from my siblings etc.

Peace,

ste
 
I think the only person in my 'real life' who has hindered me has been my mother. I guess it is because I am lucky to be blessed with some wonderful friends (who are more like family to me), and I have basically disclosed only to persons that I had a high rate of expectation to be believed and assisted by them knowing of things. My mother, in some way, has also helped me. But in many other ways, she has hindered me, by her past abuse, and her continuing inappropriate behaviors. But, other then her, I guess overall I am quite lucky.

I do agree with Eddie,in that at times, this site, which is normally quite supportive, understanding, and compassionate as a whole, has been a hindrance to me. Or should I say, I have allowed issues here to hinder me, since it is of my own control. But I think even with some negative things in dealing with all this, I still am helped by them, because still I learn, about myself and life in general.

Leosha
 
David,

It's an interesting question, that's for sure. Here are mine:

HELPS:

1. Number One would be my mother and father. The loving family environment they provided didn't save me from being abused, but in a way it was still a refuge. In my darkest days I could still look up to them and hope.

2. My old Scoutmaster. Wow, how we boys all loved and trusted that guy. We knew we could ask or tell him anything, and you could often see him in a kind of private conference with one of us. He could just stand there and make you feel safe and appreciated. He was the one who figured out something bad was happening to me, and once I told him my perp was instantly gone from Scouts forever. In those days that was all that could be done, and I don't blame him for not reporting my perp. He was like a big brother to me, and when I got married years later he and his wife came to the wedding. It was great.

3. My sister Cathie. She is 20 months younger than me, and from our teenager years onward, when we used to cover for each other, we have been best friends. She was one of the first people I told about what happened to me, and she has been my "Rock" ever since.

4. Friends here. MS is a source of unending support and guidance for me. Sometimes it hurts so bad to come here, but I do because I feel a part of a community struggling toward an important goal. As everyone, I have a few close friends with whom I share a special relationship, but there are so many of you from whom I gain great benefit and support. I am constantly surprised at the gestures of friendship and good will I receive here. Thanks so much for that.

HURTS:

1. My mother again. It may seem strange, but I have to put her down on both sides of the column. As she has aged she has become very opinionated and difficult, and one reason I have failed to disclose to my parents so far as that I fear she will judge me or even disbelieve me. I can just hear it: "NO! You are mistaken! That could NEVER have happened where we lived!"

2. I try to bear in mind that everyone here has their own pain and issues, and that we are all different and make our way as best we know how. Still, it troubles me enormously when I see posts that have as their purpose the shaming and hurting of members as yet unable to protect themselves or understand the dynamics of a site like this. Fortunately this does not happen very often, but when it does I think the damage is catastrophic to its victims and I feel their pain as if it were my own.

AMBIGUITIES:

1. Other relatives: I find it difficult to relate to many of my relatives. SA has had such an enormous impact on me, and whether I like it or not it has been a huge influence on the course of my life. I find it extremely awkward, to say the least, to sit among people who are part of my family and nevertheless feel on my guard about this, as if I dare say nothing without being prepared to fight for my life.

2. Friends: I am not sure how I should relate to friends who don't yet "know about me" (what a phrase!). Should I tell them? What can they say? What can they do? What do I want from them? Am I just so pathetically needy? I just don't know.

Larry

(I edited this post because at first I expressed myself in way that, however truthful in my view, would not have been the most fruitful contribution to this important topic.)
 
Well, this is familiar: a family environment where abuse takes place (or did take place) and when confronted is not on the Help side of the ledger. I'm referring to related posts via yours David.

I've not confronted my family, nor do I intend to. I know the response I'd get - denial or at best anger. My way of coping is that I only see my family a couple of times per year. That's all I can cope with and even then I have to pray before I go. Others in the family - I have no plans to see them again. Ever. They can deal with that problem (if it is one). I've got my own problems (thanks to some of them) to deal with.

So, if distance from family is good for you, then to all, I'd say go ahead and make it good for you.
 
For me I have to say #1; God and my spiritual routine, that has kept me sane and moving forward with a strong hope for the future when all abuse and it's after effects will be elimated from the earth completly.

2.Moving away from my imeadiate family, having space to breathe without being sucked into oblivion.
3. Developing a key freindship through this site, someone I feel I can tell everything and usually do.
4. Started T again, found a T in my area through the site, that so far I am getting really good results working with, incredible.
5. Freinds that like and accept me for me.
6. This site, it is really a powerful force for healing and support.

Hinderances:
My dad, totally insenative, did not react like he should have, my mom, even though she has been very supporive, still has this aura of denial following her around that I just can't deal with cuz it's contageous. The very sick extended family whose sickness attracted and nurtured an abuse enviroment.
My present financiall situation, which is hindering me from recieving the help I need, and creating alot of unneeded stress in my life which is impeding the rate that I am healing at.
 
My wife and I werre having the same discussion this pm. she has been wounded by so many years of internalized hostility and rage. Yes, she pushed a lot of buttons also, but she has dealt with a lot of crap also. Add to that a 12 month affair that ended 15 months ago, and there is a lot of tension which continues to trigger me beyond belief.

We are meeting with a therapist to discussion a "separation" from a healing perspective. It will start out in our home with very simple and strict boundaries. If these do not work, I may find an apartment close by, but I will remain integrated with the family (primarily my daugter). The theory is that I can more effectively deal with my crap, and Steph with hers, if we are not pissing on each other every five minutes.

Just my 5 cents worth.

Danny
 
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