I often question myself "Who am I"? for having been sexually assaulted by only males, I often feel "gay" but am I? Or am I "bi"? I love my wife, very dearly so, yet I have great troubles saying "I love you dear". Growing up at home, I don't ever remember the words "I love you" from my parents. Or a hug. I have had great struggles trying to break that cycle with my own 2 boys who are now in their late 20's, but I always tried very hard to respect them. Ok, I know I did not say "I love you" much, I struggle today to say that. Growing up, in amongst the neighbourhood boys, showing any kind of affection from your parents, you became ostracized and labelled as a queer, faggot, gay, or anything derogatory they could find. I really wonder if they knew what those words really meant? And then at school, if you ever admitted or mentioned the word "love" towards a family member, again, you would be labelled, and then possibly end up in a fist fight! The schools I went to were atrocious! to say the very least. I often felt like a freak because of not only being bullied, but by what my "friend" did to me, he would never show me his penis, or butt, yet he sure didn't mind looking at mine and coercing me to partially strip! I felt different from all the other boys. If you showed affection towards a girl, you were labelled a "sissy-boy"! I don't think I ever saw another boys penis till I was in grade 8 when one day we took a shower. Then we all got to see one another, and I was the only boy with pubic hair! and a whole bunch of it! I wanted to play with another boys penis to see what it felt like. I wanted to feel his buttocks. Was I a queer? At that time, because being bullied so much, I developed a fear of friendship with girls. I knew somewhere I wanted to see what girls looked like, but again, abuse took over, and I wanted sex with boys!
Who am I?
Who am I?