Who am I?

Bornfree

Registrant
I often question myself "Who am I"? for having been sexually assaulted by only males, I often feel "gay" but am I? Or am I "bi"? I love my wife, very dearly so, yet I have great troubles saying "I love you dear". Growing up at home, I don't ever remember the words "I love you" from my parents. Or a hug. I have had great struggles trying to break that cycle with my own 2 boys who are now in their late 20's, but I always tried very hard to respect them. Ok, I know I did not say "I love you" much, I struggle today to say that. Growing up, in amongst the neighbourhood boys, showing any kind of affection from your parents, you became ostracized and labelled as a queer, faggot, gay, or anything derogatory they could find. I really wonder if they knew what those words really meant? And then at school, if you ever admitted or mentioned the word "love" towards a family member, again, you would be labelled, and then possibly end up in a fist fight! The schools I went to were atrocious! to say the very least. I often felt like a freak because of not only being bullied, but by what my "friend" did to me, he would never show me his penis, or butt, yet he sure didn't mind looking at mine and coercing me to partially strip! I felt different from all the other boys. If you showed affection towards a girl, you were labelled a "sissy-boy"! I don't think I ever saw another boys penis till I was in grade 8 when one day we took a shower. Then we all got to see one another, and I was the only boy with pubic hair! and a whole bunch of it! I wanted to play with another boys penis to see what it felt like. I wanted to feel his buttocks. Was I a queer? At that time, because being bullied so much, I developed a fear of friendship with girls. I knew somewhere I wanted to see what girls looked like, but again, abuse took over, and I wanted sex with boys!

Who am I?
 

Greybeard

Registrant
You are yourself. You are the end result of a lot of experiences, good and bad. Try not to torment yourself about what labels to wear. You can be married and in love with your wife and children, but still have desires for other men.
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
You are double my age and yet when I read that I could relate so well.

Its crazy that guys/boys were almost separated from each other. You had little groups or small crews to revolve around.

But why? Why are men/guys just now being able to relate to each other in a way that is compassionate and kind? Ugh. I really feel that struggle, your struggle.

I knew I was gay but when I was younger "i just knew I was different." I was bullied for being something I didnt know what it was. Then Catholic school taught me I was going to hell and like the deep level of hell. You'll never get out of there cause you're "just bad"

How fucked up is that for kid to be bullied at school. Taught at that same school that he's basically a piece of shit.

Luckily my immediate family were not fucken assholes. They understood love and taught me that in their own way. I'd be dead without that last part. Because school quickly became a place I did not feel comfortable in, nor did I relate to anyone. There were a few individuals along the way that saw me for the innocent boy I was. Such a naive child, always trying to see the good in others (even when there was none).

Ah well... another tangent I went on. (Sorry?)
-Carbon Tiger
 

MO-Survivor

Staff member
@Bornfree - who are you? You are a survivor of CSA. Sounds to me like your questions when younger are the result of the abuse you suffered - all of it. It’s really common as you probably know. And be who you want to be. Tell your wife and boys you love them! In my book, real men say that - even to each other. To me it is a sign of strength, confidence, and a manliness that wants to give to and “fill” others with what they need to conquer life. Nothing could be manlier IMO.
 

Bornfree

Registrant
You are double my age and yet when I read that I could relate so well.

Its crazy that guys/boys were almost separated from each other. You had little groups or small crews to revolve around.

But why? Why are men/guys just now being able to relate to each other in a way that is compassionate and kind? Ugh. I really feel that struggle, your struggle.

I knew I was gay but when I was younger "i just knew I was different." I was bullied for being something I didnt know what it was. Then Catholic school taught me I was going to hell and like the deep level of hell. You'll never get out of there cause you're "just bad"

How fucked up is that for kid to be bullied at school. Taught at that same school that he's basically a piece of shit.

Luckily my immediate family were not fucken assholes. They understood love and taught me that in their own way. I'd be dead without that last part. Because school quickly became a place I did not feel comfortable in, nor did I relate to anyone. There were a few individuals along the way that saw me for the innocent boy I was. Such a naive child, always trying to see the good in others (even when there was none).

Ah well... another tangent I went on. (Sorry?)
-Carbon Tiger
Funny, I went to a boys only catholic high-school, for day boys and borders. I never paid much attention to religion, anyways, at least I did not have fear for my life from the boys. It was me I had to fear for my life! Grade 9, I came so very close to ending my life on this planet.
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
Funny, I went to a boys only catholic high-school, for day boys and borders. I never paid much attention to religion, anyways, at least I did not have fear for my life from the boys. It was me I had to fear for my life! Grade 9, I came so very close to ending my life on this planet.
I'm sorry.

I'm glad you didnt end it. Fuck suicide man. Its worse than cancer. No one wins when suicide happens. Nobody.

Maybe i'm wrong though. I'm just grateful im protected in that regard. A guardian angel has saved my life, on more than 3 occasions. They were not suicidal events by any means. I've been through hell & back, in fact I know the quick route to get there. Its coming back home that is always the hardest part.

That, is my strength.

My will is that one day, when I get to the final circle of hell. I'll give Satan himself, one chance before I behead him for good. Don't worry kids, i'll give him a running start too.

Ya'll can believe me or not but "He" (It) chose to appear before me to terrify me when I lived on the east coast. I'll admit I was terrified for awhile and then I realized something sacred. Satan has no dominion or power over me. None.

...And after that ER hospital visit on a late summer night. I was a changed man, a frightened child but one fucking brave Kid.

-The Carbon Tiger
 

Bornfree

Registrant
I'm sorry.

I'm glad you didnt end it. Fuck suicide man. Its worse than cancer. No one wins when suicide happens. Nobody.

Maybe i'm wrong though. I'm just grateful im protected in that regard. A guardian angel has saved my life, on more than 3 occasions. They were not suicidal events by any means. I've been through hell & back, in fact I know the quick route to get there. Its coming back home that is always the hardest part.

That, is my strength.

My will is that one day, when I get to the final circle of hell. I'll give Satan himself, one chance before I behead him for good. Don't worry kids, i'll give him a running start too.

Ya'll can believe me or not but "He" (It) chose to appear before me to terrify me when I lived on the east coast. I'll admit I was terrified for awhile and then I realized something sacred. Satan has no dominion or power over me. None.

...And after that ER hospital visit on a late summer night. I was a changed man, a frightened child but one fucking brave Kid.

-The Carbon Tiger
I failed religion in school but passed my math!

I have been at deaths door so many times I'm starting to forget how many times! When I was born, I spent two months in icu because I could not keep any food in my stomach, One night they thought I was a goner!, but I came through, then there was 7 months later got croup, and in an oxygen tent for a week and again the doctors were not sure if I would make it, and then the time my sistr fed me a breakfast of a bottle of aspirin pills, go to hospital get my stomach pumped out. Finally make it to 8 yrs old, and slid off a deck, landed on the ground below (2 feet down) my head just barely clearing the edge of the deck, and concrete block below. and then when I was 12 had encephalitis, from which some of me did die!, but no one beleived me until decades later having an MRI, then my heart attack when I was 40 something, off to hospital again, but this time doc punctured my femoral artery in one too many places and I bled out internally- I kept saying something is wrong but they wouldn't beleive me, and then I felt sick so they gave me some gravol, then I passed out, and they started freaking out, trying to check my blood pressure, what's wrong now, no reading, so they realized the cuff was around the bed post, so they finally put it around my arm, and then said again, what reading? In the end, I literally lost half my blood volume to my lower abdomen, and hip, I was black and blue from the belly button down!- but now the blood followed my sciatic nerve down my hip into muscles, and caused permanent damage there, so now I have a limp that will never go away! Why me God?, what are you trying to do to me?
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
Wow, what a life--I'm so sorry. I don't think God is is doing it. No God I know would.

Do you believe in Angels at least? There is one Angel that I call upon now when I need help. I say their name quietly and softly. I become still depending upon where I am and ask for whatever it is I need.

When you ask to receive, you shall as long as the intention is from your heart. Its easy to set intentions in your mind but the heart has a mind of its own. Follow your heart--it will never lead you astray.

I'll add you to my candle prayer next Sunday at 6pm. Yes, you can heal anything, but you have to believe its possible.

Take care born free, I hope you feel better!
 

Bornfree

Registrant
Wow, what a life--I'm so sorry. I don't think God is is doing it. No God I know would.

Do you believe in Angels at least? There is one Angel that I call upon now when I need help. I say their name quietly and softly. I become still depending upon where I am and ask for whatever it is I need.

When you ask to receive, you shall as long as the intention is from your heart. Its easy to set intentions in your mind but the heart has a mind of its own. Follow your heart--it will never lead you astray.

I'll add you to my candle prayer next Sunday at 6pm. Yes, you can heal anything, but you have to believe its possible.

Take care born free, I hope you feel better!
Thank you Tiger. Yes, I do believe in Angels. As a matter of fact, the time I slid off the deck and almost cracked my head wide open, for a split second it felt like an Angel stuck his/her hand out and supported me as if I were on a slide, just long enough to clear the deck, and then WHOOOMPH!! hit the ground flat on my back knocking the wind out of me! It was a very strange feeling for that second in flight!
 
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