Who Am I?

Who Am I?
T

TX_Space

Registrant
Where to start? I don't really know...there are so many things inside of me. I'm at a low point again. I guess I start with a version of my situation.

I was abused at age 4, 5 and 7. Of course, I lied to myself for years that it didn't affect me. I had a GREAT family...grew up feeling loved and supported...awesome friends. I was a good student and an over-achiever. Good luck came naturally to me. The abuse lived in a nice little Tupperware container in my mind. It was there...but it was freezer-burned and covered with ice and innocuous.

But, like anything old in the freezer, it tends to have its affects whether you realize it or not. Things that get near it are "contaminated" by it. So was my life. I finished college...got married...and proceeded on with life albeit one that was less than I ever expected. I just wasn't able to succeed like I thought. I was terrible with $, not always attentive to my wife...I started acting out...something I hadn't done until I was married. I wasn't very manly in bed...I was afraid of being intimate. Again, I made millions of excuses why because I couldn't see inside the frozen container.

We proceeded to have children...beautiful, wonderful, AMAZING children. Life was again normal. I was happy. I found good jobs. I made good money but never had enough because I was irresponsible. I neglected my wife emotionally and physically in the bedroom...but I treated her with love and respect every where else. Then, one day...she tells me she wants a divorce. And the world came a-crumblin' down.

I had to search the cold-storage of my mind. I found that freezer burned container and showed it to her. She was unimpressed. I showed it to my counselor...she made me open it. Oh God--it stinks! It's rotten! It's now tainting my very existence. My lovely wife tells me that she will support me but not stay married to me. I have friends that can smell the rotteness but I can't tell them what it is.

So, I find myself today at another low point in my life. Wanting my marriage back...wanting to explain that everything that was tainted was caused by that little container full of abuse. But, she is gone and won't listen. I just want to climb into that container and go back to the freezer and freez to death. But, my children need me and my family and friends need me. I just don't know if I have anything left to give.

I'm sorry for the rambling post. I just have to get this out of me. Thanks for listening.

tx_space
 
I'm sorry, Tx for all you've been through. The "rottenness" isn't in you. It was the person who abused you. It wasn't your fault. Please remember that. Let the blame lie with the perp who damaged your life. Tell us your story when you're up to is. Let us feel with you what brought you to this place. There are so many men here who will listen and support you through this.

I hope one day, after your counsellor and you have worked together on all that pain, maybe one day your wife will come back. I hope so.

Take care of yourself, OK? I'm glad you're here.
 
TX - Damn, it sometimes seems there is no end to the pain that our abusers caused us so many, many years ago. It works differently for each of us, but everyone here has been brought to the point where we've had to open our own Tupperware containers. I don't think any of us know when it's coming or where it's coming from. It just hits us and then we have to deal with it.

Be thankful for the freezer that kept your horrible moments frozen in time, they allowed you to survive until now. I am truly sorry for what has happened to you and sorrier still that your wife has decided not to come back. But she DOES have love for you, she will try to support you. You'll need her help and support. And she will grow to understand a different you. This will, however, be trying for her, as it will be for you. There is a Family & Friends Forum here that might be helpful to you both.

Sharing, like you did in this post, can be a tremendous relief, keep doing tha as you see fit. It's good that you're seeing a counselor, one that made you look at what you didn't want to see. Those are the best kind!! Feel free to PM me if you need an ear to listen. Peace - John
 
TX, I was just posting something similar to that in friends and family.

It is not right that past experience should taint your life, or anybody here, but sadly it does.

Why should your life feel so defeated by past events that you have had no control over?

Is it possible for anybody outside of abuse to comprehend the problems that you face?

The answer is a positive NO. It was never your fault but the common thing we see here, is that we have no other way, except to blame ourselves.

I hope you can find a positive outcome to this,

ste
 
Well, it happened. I fell back to the old habit of porn and MB. DAMMIT! I thought that with the positive support of you guys here and with God...I could stop these compulsive and destructive patterns. I WANT to be a good guy. I don't want to be the monster that I am.

This STINKS!!!@!
 
Seems to me that a beginning step you've taken is acknowledging it publicly. You can go forward even though you went back.
Take care and take it easy.
Steve
 
Tx, Welcome to our little club. I've fallen off the wagon so many times I've got permanent wheel tracks across my face. These compulsions didn't start overnight. I was doing the MB and my own versions of porn before I was even 10. My perp taught me how to be this way a long time ago. 20 years later it's ingrained, an addiction like drugs or any other mind-altering substance. There are a few of us here fighting exactly what you're fighting.

For me it's the need for unconditional love and acceptance. When I start feeling like I'm no good, I don't deserve anything, I'm a piece of garbage, everybody's criticizing me, I'm weak--I turn to what my perp taught me. It's like I'm going back to him to give me what I didn't get the first time. Before, he used me like a rag and tossed me away like I was nothing. But in porn, these guys open themselves up to me and show me "love". In MB, I can be loved. He taught me I was good for one thing, so I do that one thing to feel like I'm good.

The only way I've found to keep from going back to the porn and the reenacting of my uncle abusing me is to find healthy connections with other men, pour out my heart to them and hear them say I'm OK. I draw close to my wife and try really hard to keep that close emotional connection with her. I have a friend outside here I can talk to about the SA and how it affects me. I tell my therapist everything. I cannot stop the cycle of porn/MB without this huge support group. I've also completely cut myself off from my family. They are toxic and absolutely suffocate me with criticism and feelings of worthlessness. I limit my social activities. If I have 20 people over to my house, I suffer for 2 days afterwards of social overload where I'm talking trash to myself.

I've learned that they tell drug addicts not to get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. (h-a-l-t) Instead of angry, for me it's emotionally-overloaded. And I keep from getting emotionally-overloaded by writing my fingers off here. I will have been porn/MB free for 7 weeks tomorrow. Doesn't sound like much, but for 30 years, I've been going two weeks, tops. 7 weeks is like I'm carrying the Olympic torch.

We can do it, Tx. We'll keep falling off the wagon, but we'll get back on. It's about not looking to the perp for acceptance. And that means acknowledging that we're OK. That SA was not our fault. So please don't be too hard on yourself, OK?

PM me anytime. I'm "ForeverFighting" this very subject.
 
Hi TX

I learnt about porn from my abuser but it still rears its ugly head now and again, I have just finished my most recent phase of looking at porn, conditioning has a lot to answer for.

But as when I was drinking the periods of being sober began to get longer and longer, the periods of me not looking at porn are going the same way and hopefully in time I will stop looking all together becuase i gives me such a guilt trip. Been sober now for just over ten years.

Take it easy

Kirk
 
I have been doing a lot of reading here and in other places about MB and Pr0n. I understand that there are huge taboos about it and that it can be taken to less than healthy extremes, but Where is the line?

My wife will probably not be having sexual contact with me for the next 6 months (If ever) so I feel no shame in taking care of myself. How do I know that it is too much? Once a day? Twice? If my right arm needs an altered sleve?
 
TX
I'm sorry that your wife seems determined to divorce you, although she does pledge support.
If that happens then take it, shit happens.

But it's going to be essential to use her support, however little it actually is. In the same way that you show her that you use her support for your healing.

Healing doesn't happen overnight, I've been at it for about 7 years ( I'm 51 years old ) and I still fall off the wagon and look at porn sometimes.
I've also been married for 32 years, and sex is something I struggle with still.

That sounds like doom and gloom I know, but 8 years ago I was acting sexually with strangers in toilets, I was suicidal and on the verge of going crazy. So I consider the place I'm in today as terrific progress, as does my wife.

Don't let anyone tell you that healing is easy, it isn't, but it's worth ever scrap of effort that we put into it.
My life was a mess, it isn't anymore.

Dave
 
Dealing with this is the toughest thing I have ever done. But.... each time I can say no to desructive behaviour, the better I feel, and the longer the periods of being "clean" last. I have gotten to where there is a sense of pride in being able to say "NO!".

It would be hard to describe to any else, but I feel that this is the most important lesson about life that I have to learn: How to be honest and project integrity. You can not do that without first being honest with yourself, and that is the scariest part. Looking into that mirror takes a great deal of courage. Courage that most people, abused or not, will never have. At least those surviors here have done that!

Whe you are down, think of the courage you had to look into that mirror and use it to strengthen yourself to the difficulties we face.

We all have the rough times, but by overcoming those, the next ones become easier.
 
I feel odd posting here now after my question about how much MB is too much. One danger with boards is that you dump away a quick answer and then come up with more. After percolating your story I realize that it is 100% my life...

I have lost 1 love (almost married & no kids) but she didn't know about my history. I could potentially lose my wife now, but we have kids and we are best friends - if divorce comes it is because of her problems and her wish that I meet a woman who can be there for me physically. I have told her that I won't accept a divorce on those grounds but Lloydy is right "Shit Happens"

My son (4) and I had a really nice Father - Son talk today. Talked about how life was sometimes hard and things were sometimes unfair but that you carry on as best you can. He said I was brave, and I told him that almost everyone could be brave or cowardly depending on the circumstances. I told him that the truest test of love isnt not having problems, but how you work through them

He said mommy and I must love very much.

What an AWESOME kid.
 
Guys,
Thanks so much for the encouragement. It is so amazing that you guys are willing to share your stories of discouragement as well. It helps to know that I'm not alone...even though sitting at this computer, I feel this way many times. That's when I get into trouble.

I am starting my journey again. I actually stopped all of this from January to April...but then, the stress of my upcoming separation just made me feel completely out of control. I've realized that my most encompassing trigger is that loss of control--no matter what form.

I really appreciate all your advice. I am re-setting my goals to gain control. And, I am going to do this...no more monster, here.

thanks again for your wise words and advice. Let me get back on my horse...and move on. Take care guys!!
TX
 
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