who am i ? (triggers)
i feel like im lost in the dark here. every time i uncover a new feeling inside my head, i move further and further away from getting to where i want to be. i want to know who i am. and at this point that seems impossible.
i feel like every memory i have is clouded by abuse. i guess because i was so young whenit started, it really is all i remember of the first 15 or so years of my life. i get angry when people talk about happy childhood memories...birthday parties, family vacations, blah blah blah. yeah, i have all of those memories too. but mine are always paired with some horrible memory. like christmas. i remember one christmas. i dont know how old i was. young enough that i still believed in santa. so maybe 7 or 8. it was christmas eve. i remember being woken up in bed, feeling hands on my body. and there was my father. it wasnt scary or traumatic at the time. i dont know what it was, just normal i guess. but now, looking back, it makes me so completely angry. that i cant remember a normal christmas. that it was ok to me to be woken up and molested in the middle of the night, and that i went back to sleep, so excited, waiting for santa. all of the memories that should be happy are not. they are totally screwed up. and it really makes me wonder. how do people know who they are? i guess you look back and you say well, what do my life experiences tell me. like if youre into sports. or art. or whatever. you can put these labels on yourself. and other people see them. like youre athletic. or youre a writer. or youre friendly. or youre something. i guess thats part of what makes up who you are. and when i try to put some kinda labels on myse4lf, i cant.
i feel like im hollow. i have skin and bones and all that junk. but on the inside, theres not much. nothing that makes up a 'self'. what is there is anger and sadness and fear. everything before 15 or 16 told me that im worthless. im a sex object. im a punching bag. whatever you want to call it. and i can tell myself otherwise. i can tell myself im not. and im a good person. and im worth something. and ive got something to offer the world. but then my mind starts working. i think a lot. and thinking means remembering. and it always takes me back to the same places. i cant NOT remember. but when i do, my memories tell me that who i am is not good enough.
sometimes i ask myself why i even have a job. why im in college. what its all for. i feel like i am trying to fit myself into a world where i dont belong. i go to school and sit in lectures and write papers like everyone else. but i feel like im a fake. i feel like sooner or later everyone is going to realize that im a big fake and i am not like them and i dont belong there. rationally i can tell myself i have just as much right to be there as anyone else. but i dont actually believe it. i believe that im less. and i believe that im destined for failure. and i feel like im trying to fight the inevitable.
i dont know how to find myself. i sort of think there is nothing there to find besides ugliness and pain. maybe its not a matter of finding but inventing. maybe i need to just create myself. find hobbies. find labels to put on myself that will make me a whole person. the more i try to dig through all of my memories and feelings the more i feel lost and buried by all of it. i just want to belong somewhere. i want to be comfortable in my skin.
i feel like every memory i have is clouded by abuse. i guess because i was so young whenit started, it really is all i remember of the first 15 or so years of my life. i get angry when people talk about happy childhood memories...birthday parties, family vacations, blah blah blah. yeah, i have all of those memories too. but mine are always paired with some horrible memory. like christmas. i remember one christmas. i dont know how old i was. young enough that i still believed in santa. so maybe 7 or 8. it was christmas eve. i remember being woken up in bed, feeling hands on my body. and there was my father. it wasnt scary or traumatic at the time. i dont know what it was, just normal i guess. but now, looking back, it makes me so completely angry. that i cant remember a normal christmas. that it was ok to me to be woken up and molested in the middle of the night, and that i went back to sleep, so excited, waiting for santa. all of the memories that should be happy are not. they are totally screwed up. and it really makes me wonder. how do people know who they are? i guess you look back and you say well, what do my life experiences tell me. like if youre into sports. or art. or whatever. you can put these labels on yourself. and other people see them. like youre athletic. or youre a writer. or youre friendly. or youre something. i guess thats part of what makes up who you are. and when i try to put some kinda labels on myse4lf, i cant.
i feel like im hollow. i have skin and bones and all that junk. but on the inside, theres not much. nothing that makes up a 'self'. what is there is anger and sadness and fear. everything before 15 or 16 told me that im worthless. im a sex object. im a punching bag. whatever you want to call it. and i can tell myself otherwise. i can tell myself im not. and im a good person. and im worth something. and ive got something to offer the world. but then my mind starts working. i think a lot. and thinking means remembering. and it always takes me back to the same places. i cant NOT remember. but when i do, my memories tell me that who i am is not good enough.
sometimes i ask myself why i even have a job. why im in college. what its all for. i feel like i am trying to fit myself into a world where i dont belong. i go to school and sit in lectures and write papers like everyone else. but i feel like im a fake. i feel like sooner or later everyone is going to realize that im a big fake and i am not like them and i dont belong there. rationally i can tell myself i have just as much right to be there as anyone else. but i dont actually believe it. i believe that im less. and i believe that im destined for failure. and i feel like im trying to fight the inevitable.
i dont know how to find myself. i sort of think there is nothing there to find besides ugliness and pain. maybe its not a matter of finding but inventing. maybe i need to just create myself. find hobbies. find labels to put on myself that will make me a whole person. the more i try to dig through all of my memories and feelings the more i feel lost and buried by all of it. i just want to belong somewhere. i want to be comfortable in my skin.