Whistle blowing........

[Ivanhoe]

The issue of whistle blowing has always been just below the surface with me.

How would I have ever been able to blow any whistle on the guy who was abusing me?

How would any kid who is being molested and/or phyically assaulted by a member of his family, blow the whistle on his perpetrators without his world being turned up-side down?

We've got so many numbers for kids/people to call. Alot of them are confusing and filled with combinations of acronyms and numbers. How can anyone keep them straight?

Would it work if there were a national number system, like 123-456-7890, that would work like 911? Only with this system, you'd get folks on the other end of the line that could help the individual extracate themselves from the abusive situation.

I realize that a whole lot of laws would have to be used and a whole lot of human services would be needed to care for the abused and wounded.

Oregon has one of the strongest laws of protecting children. If child abuse is suspected, a court order can be obtained to hold the child in protective custody until proper arrangements, through the courts, can be made.

But, my main concern here is, what would it have taken for us to have felt safe enough to have turned for help instead of hiding in fear and shame the way that a lot of us felt we had to do?

Do you get my drift?

What do we have to provide to make our kids feel that they will get the help that they need when they ask for it?

I was too embarrassed and shame filled to report anything or to ask for help until I was 18.

How about you guys?

Have a safe 13th,

David

 

[fragile37]

David, You struck a nerve. I blew the whistle at 15 after my father was remarried. The SA still continued in their marriage until that day at 15 years old. I was in a psychiatric ward for 5 months that point in my life. My brother beat me in my hospital room and the rest of the family gave more support to my father than me. It came to the point no visitors ...notta. What I think happens that we did not blow the whistle so to speak right away is that we are consumed in the moment and how much can a brain process in a moment of abuse. We isolate ourselves after. I wish I was 15 now and to report it because the penalty for it would have been prison. In the 80's I was the perp not the victim.

 

[dwf]

David,

Great questions for me to ask myself.

I'm 48 years old and still haven't blown the

whistle on the men who sexually abused me.

It is only in the last 10 years that I have been

able to acknowledge that it was in fact abuse.

I can see more clearly now how impossible it

would have been for a scared boy of 15 to do

better. That's good, because it kind of let's me

off that hook I've been hung up on for so long.

So, I would have to say that there was no way

for me to be able to have acknowledged much less

reported what was happening to me at age 15.

That's why the abuser picked me.

That says a lot about the way SA works on people

like me.

By enticing and seducing me, the abuser turned me

into his accomplice. He made it a secret that

only he and I shared, which gave me that feeling

of belonging and closeness that I crave.

I realize today that part of my hesitation in

not coming forward with an accusation against the

perpetrator is because that mechanism by which

I am made to feel responsible for the abuse is

still very powerful.

I need to remember that this happened at an age

when I was most needy and most easily molded,

particularly by someone much older than I.

So, even today, after all the therapy and other

help I have sought, it is still hard for me to

think of exposing the abusive situation.

Because, I think, that it still feels like I

would be accusing myself. Exposing myself to

censure or ridicule.

I don't know which laws or procedures would help

kids today the most. I'm sure that they need

some improving. So, today, me working on my

recovery from the effects of sexual abuse and

helping men like me, is the best thing that I can

do.

In my personal life, since "waking up" to this

nightmare of abuse that occurred in my life, I

to pay attention to the young people in my life.

Nieces, nephews, students, children of friends.

I try to exhibit caring and non-judgemental

attitudes, especially with my younger family

members. I say things, like, "I hope you remember

that you can always tell me anything at all. No

subject is off limits and it will stay between you

and I." I take an interest in what is happening

to them. I try to remember birthdays and talk to

them about how long I have known them; "I

remember when you came home from the hospital,

and so on." Gives them a sense that someone older

and bigger is looking after them on a continuing

basis.

Does it help them? I hope so.

I know it helps me a lot.

Thanks again, David. You are a caring and

thoughtful man. That's what most of us need in

our lives. It feels good to finally find under-

standing and acceptance here.

Gratefully,

 

[outis]

Guys,

There's a lot of good stuff here.

What do we have to provide to make our kids feel that they will get the help that they need when they ask for it?

I was too embarrassed and shame filled to report anything or to ask for help until I was 18.

I think we need to raise kids so that they feel they can trust someone. When they are set up for SA by the relationships that they have in their life, they're not likely to trust anyone, especially authority figures. OK, I've gone off the beam again. I was set up for the SA by the dysfunctional relationships in my family of origin, with emotional neglect, parental alcoholism, physical abuse, etc. I adjusted by distrusting, and I find I still distrust a lot. So when someone I thought I could trust betrayed my trust and abused me, I did not think, "Who can I tell? Who can help me?" Those concepts weren't even on the map.

What I think happens that we did not blow the whistle so to speak right away is that we are consumed in the moment and how much can a brain process in a moment of abuse. We isolate ourselves after.

This hits the bull's eye for me. I can't even remember all of what happened yet. I have shards of memories of the SA, different parts at different times in different rooms. My brain did not process that stuff the way it would process a normal event, I'm sure of that.

I did isolate myself afterwards, too. I was never gregarious, that I can remember, anyway. Maybe I was a cute kid or something. But suddenly I had something terrible that I couldn't even discuss with the friends I had, the social circle that had become my "family."

I'm 48 years old and still haven't blown the

whistle on the men who sexually abused me.

It is only in the last 10 years that I have been

able to acknowledge that it was in fact abuse.

I'm 43 this year, and I struggle with accepting that it was abuse. I use a lot of euphemisms, like posting here that I "qualified" to come here (MaleSurvivor.org) when I was 16. I've been looking for a male survivor group, and following links here I may have found something. We're playing phone tag now, but I'm hopeful I'll be able to get into a regular group with other guys in recovery. In my message yesterday on the voice mail, I felt myself getting dizzy as I said the words, "I want to join a group for male survivors of sexual abuse." I'm getting that spaced out feeling just typing it now.

So, even today, after all the therapy and other

help I have sought, it is still hard for me to

think of exposing the abusive situation.

Because, I think, that it still feels like I

would be accusing myself. Exposing myself to

censure or ridicule.

Everytime I think about the fact that I have never done anything to stop him from abusing someone else I feel like shit. Everytime I think about telling someone I feel scared. I think it's scared. I get kind of numb and short of breath. I'm afraid of "censure or ridicule" and maybe somehow afraid that it could come back, or happen again. That's not reasonable, but reason seems to have very little to do with the effects. It's that "cat out of the bag" and me feeling that he'll be plenty pissed off.

In my personal life, since "waking up" to this

nightmare of abuse that occurred in my life, I

to pay attention to the young people in my life.

Nieces, nephews, students, children of friends.

I try to exhibit caring and non-judgemental

attitudes, especially with my younger family

members.

I think that must be helpful. If there had been some adult with whom I had a relationship like that, I might have been able to stop him all those years ago.

Long winded, aren't I? Sorry, but it needed to get out.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[James_dup1]

Hey, GOOD THREAD!!!!!
Ok, Im 35 and just started dealing with my SA last year. The only people I've told is my wife, my kids have a basic understanding of what happened to me as a child, and my brother's here. I havent told any of my side of the family. Scared of what they will say or how they will react. I dont think I could handle being called a liar. Now my wife and I were both abused as children, and now we have three of our own. From the day we thought they could understand (useing words and phrases they could understand) we told them that NOONE HAS THE RIGHT TO TOUCH YOU IN ANYWAY THAT YOU DONT LIKE. And if someone does tell anyone, everyone untill someone hears what your saying and does something about it. We told them tell mom, dad, a teacher, a cop, the lady at the grocery store, the man standing at the bus stop, grandma, grandpa...tell anyone till someone does something to portect you, and dont give up till that happens. Well my daughter was touched in a way she didnt like when she was 5. And as soon as she could she told us. When we took her to the police station they did a video tape interview with her, and because mom took the time to teach her words to use for her boby parts she was able to explain to them what happened in such a way that the perp didnt have a chance. He plead guilty to the chages and got 5 years in a texas prision. So we may not have "blown the whistle" but by God we can teach the future to. If we empower the next generation of potental victumes then they are less likly to become one. If perp's know and understand that children are and will tell maybe (may just be wishful thinking on my part) they will think twice. Well just my thoughts.
James

 

[ernie]

Terrific subject. I think that each of us in our own way have to decide how to blow the whistle. I lived in constant fear for so many years that if I spoke out, I would be told "What are you trying to ruin this family, he would never do that" or worse yet knocked off a chair. Later in life, I was afraid that no one would believe me that the abuse was so awful that it would sound like a lie, that no one would do this to another human being. That was my first mistake, I should have 3 years ago said it all, including the awful ways I acted out. My worst fear that of being thrown out by my wife came true because I did not tell the entire truth about the abuse, the extent of it nor the extent of my acting out. I hid, I lied, I covered it up because I was afraid.
I am not afraid anymore, the relief I felt in telling my wife (though she hasn't talked to me since) and my family is incredible. I finally have it all on the table, to my preps remaining family and to my own. They know what the bastard did.
The greatest message we can send to the world is that we are here, that we know this happens and that they will be exposed for what they do. That there is help for those that have been abused and perhaps a greater awarness regarding how wide spread the problem really is. It is not isolated to the churches, that is just a minnow in the pond, there alot of other fish out there that needed to be exposed for what they have done to innocent youth. The only way this can happen is to tell the whole story. Sometimes the truth really hurts, but it can set you free.

 

[Wuamei]

It is only in the last 10 years that I have
been able to acknowledge that it was in fact abuse. I can see more clearly now how impossible it would have been for a scared boy of 15 to do
better.

For me it's been only 2 years; I'm 46, my overt SA
ended when I was 11. It would have been impossible
as things were for me to have done more. If it had
even occurred to me to do anything.

Thruout my childhood of being incested, raped & molested, down inside I knew something was wrong.
But I kept burying it & forgetting it to survive.
When I would remember I would dissociate & depersonalize it, again to survive.

For years it would never even have occurred to me that what was being done to me was wrong. It had been happening virtually since I was born. It was a way of life. Weren't all families like that?
The more I realized they weren't the more I blanked it all out.

Blow the whistle about what?!

OK fast forward tape to about 12 years ago when I was in school for my masters degree. My youngest daughter was 6-7 years old. A boy her age who knew
way too much for his age & also did this with other girls tried to molest her.

She & my wife were afraid what I would do if they told me. But when they went to talk with this little perverts' parents the father said it must have been her fault his kid wasn't like this. HUH? He's the one letting his kindergartener watch dirty movies?! Anyway, then they told me what happened.

Well I went to talk to this fella and I told him he'd better quit blaming my daughter, his boy's done this before to others, why is he watching dirty movies, and he'd better make sure his kid doesn't touch either of my daughters or any other girl again & me hear about it.

He said something like "Are you threatening my kid?"

I replied, "No, I wouldn't touch your kid. But if this ever happens again, there's me and you..."

Left that one hanging for Mr. Speechless and left. No more problems from the boy I knew of. Or from the father, who was soon gone.

This perp-raiser had been studying to be a minister, like clergy!

Was he forced out by my confrontation with him, which I know other people heard?

I hope so!

Weird thing is I was like 35 then. I'd forgotten about this incident until yesterday when my wife & daughter were talking about it for some reason.

I think I had blanked it out becuz I was PO'd I hadn't "protected my daughter."

Fact is I did. Maybe protected some others along the way.

And this was years before I remembered my own SA.

BTW James WTG on how you & Laura protected your daughter! Awesome!

So we may not have "blown the whistle" but
by God we can teach the future to. If we empower the next generation of potental victumes then they
are less likly to become one. If perp's know and understand that children are and will tell maybe (may just be wishful thinking on my part) they will think twice. Well just my thoughts.

James I couldn't agree with you more and I think its more than wishful thinking I think its one of our hopes for defeating this monster called SA! Great insight bro!

David, great thread!

Victor

 

[Lloydy]

Blowing the whistle is a difficult one for me.

My abuse was 'discovered' at a very early stage when I was 11 going on 12, and I wasn't believed by the headmaster. So what the f**k could I do then ?
Who could I tell ? Nobody.......

Roll on about 28 years and I've just started my recovery and therapy.
I'm driving down the high street of a small market town and I see my main abuser walking down the street, luckily he doesn't see me.
But I know someone who knows him, and the grapevine tells me this guy is still a well known pervert.
I have read about the other main abuser in the papers.

So this pair are now about 51 yo, still at large and in all probability still sexually predatory.

At the time I saw the one guy I couldn't deal with him at all, there was no way I could have blown the whistle. I felt I had to be selfish to enable my recovery, so I was selfish.
The thought of police interviews and legal shit scared me, so I took the 'easy' option.

But the thought of reading their names in the paper after they'd abused, raped, assaulted or whatever some innocent victim was too much to bear for me.
But I still took the easier option and made their names and history known to the police via the charity that helped me.

Certainly here in the UK the police will record this information, and welcome it, as useful background information. This way they know who to watch.
Maybe it's not enough to protect some kid I know, and that does bother me greatly. But I know I am a lone voice against a group of 5 or 6 abusers led by these two. The worked together back then, and I believe that faced with the ruination sex abuse charges would bring them they would gang up again.

Just like they did when I told the headmaster what they'd done in 1964.
It digs deep with me that I can't resolve this problem.

I have so much admiration for those of you that do blow the whistle, I hear it's clear, shrill notes. But I can't add my breath to it.

Dave

 

[godsrabbit]

the man who raped me has been dead for many years now...the other abusers in my life: a brother who, though older, was acting out on me, and the woman who molested me in high school...have never felt a need to discuss it...i believe in the power of forgiveness and it has always worked in my life...

this last autumn, i was depositioned to blow the whistle on the man who kept me as a lover...i felt immensely pressured to do it, i did not and still do not believe he ever did or would repeat the behavior with anyone else (and i knew him well enough to know)...

blowing the whistle was destructive to my own psyche and ruined the man's life (which, no, i do not believe he deserved...i had long-forgiven him and i know i was responsible for cooperating with the abuse and i accept that)...

i believe it is important to speak out...in my case, though, i have tremendous regret...what happened was very wrong; he knew it, i knew it, we had parted by mutual consent...going through with the process of tearing him down after the fact was not cathartic at all...if anything, it makes me feel worse...

sorry...i know i am probably an exception in this...like i said, i believe it is important to tell...perhaps it is part of what is eating at me now: that i did and it only made things worse, not better...

if i could take it back, i would...

 

[Wuamei]

Rabbit:

Not knowing your particular circumstances like how old were you & how old were your perps especially the man you blew the whistle on, it's kinda hard to comment specifically but thats ok.
Here are some general thots you can sort out & do with as you will:

Forgiveness: rather than reiterate my thots or those of many others here, I'll refer you to several threads about it with these links:

Most recent:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=002074#000001

Self-forgiveness:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001804#000001

Provides links to several other "forgive" threads:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001627#000002

On "blowing the whistle" aka disclosure or confrontation:

Most recent:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=002067#000000

About the recent confrontation letter written by someone here:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=002033#000009

With several other thread links:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001961#000002

Threads about court/legal dealings:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=002031#000001

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001675#000013

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001688#000022

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001473#000001

Reading some of these may help you sort things out

If you have any questions ask here in this thread or feel free to private message me.

Take care of yourself & take it easy on yourself.

Victor

 

[godsrabbit]

victor,

thank you for the links...

this is hard for me...i am not sure i can mae myself clear: i do forgive myself...i know why i did what i did, reacted and behaved the way i did...i have no particular anger or hatred from the man who did what he did (as lloydy said in one thread: do not feel much of anything one way or the other...it just is what it is)...

my anger and betrayal and confusion at this point comes from being pressured into a deposition which i never wanted to make...if anything i want to write a letter of apology to the man who abused me because no matter what happened between us, i never wanted to "hurt back" and yet found myself in a position of doing just that...

there was so much pressure to "confront" and "disclose" and "pull out all the dirty laundry" and frankly, that is an abuse in and of itself...if it were not bad enough to be raped and molested and seduced, i now have to live with using my grief as a destructive weapon...it is like having been mentally raped all over again...at least i know the man who seduced me loved me (though i never felt that way about him, in fact i am quite straight)...

i do not know why i am belaboring this...perhaps because my frustration and unhappiness right now comes from this aftermath more than the abuse itself and i have not found a way to make peace with it...

i am sorry....

 

[Wuamei]

Rabbit:

You have nothing to apologize for. As the various threads in those links indicate, there are many different ways to handle these matters, none necessarily right or wrong. My desire is not to change your mind, but to help you hopefully to live better with what you've done & not blame yourself so much.

Rabbit I am sorry as apparently you were somehow pressured into making a deposition you did not want to make then & maybe never would. You are right that is also abusive. These things cannot & should not be forced upon us.

Rabbit I hope you will be able to come to peace with this. Again, you were abused, it was not your fault.

Take care.

Victor

 

[godsrabbit]

victor thank you...

yes, i think, from reading the links, i am reminded that there are things i can yet do...there is nothing keeping me from writing letters: the man who abused me, to the people who pressured me into the deposition...i know i do not want to do these things for a response, but at least to say: there, i have a voice, i expressed my displeasure with the situation and i can move on from here...i cannot change any of these things; what is done is done...

working toward a deeper self-forgiveness in this...

bless you for your clarity for me...

 

[Wuamei]

Just having a say can be a powerful thing regardless of the outcome. Outcomes from others are not much in our control. But our having a say is.

Who knows what our speaking up regardless of response will do in the long run, perhaps encourage others to do the same?

Victor

 

[ScottyTodd]

Interesting thread guys! But there is a twist in my reporting of perps. I was abused by my female cousin when I was 5 and she was 11. My mom caught us and sent me downstairs. The incident never happened again. Next, when I was 5, my male cousin/her brother began molesting me. I told my mom and dad the next day. My reward, my mom accused me of perping on him and I got spanked by my dad. My cousin continued to abuse me (he was 4 years older than me. When I was 7, I told my parents again. They punished me, said if I did not stop doing these "things", they would have me arrested and thrown in jail...that I would never see my family again. At 7, my cousin was much bigger and stronger than me. The abuse continued and [need I paint any more of the picture]? I couldn't stop anybody and everyone had access to breach my boundaries. After all, who could I tell? It was my fault as I was told/believed (rubbish I know!). I could go on and on - cousin's 30+ aunt, neighborhood teen kids, all the way until I was 13. But that's enough for this thread.

Who could I tell? Heck, beats me. Abuse was inevitable!! BTW, I learned 40 years later, my mom was SA by her brother and friends (yeah, my cousin's father) when she was 8 through 13. Would you believe, her mom & dad (my grand-parents) blamed her and beat her? How amazing is that????

Lucky I've healed and moved on quite a bit since then.

Howard

 

[Leosha]

I do not know for sure what will be needed to make it more safe to 'whistle blow'. I do not know what will make me safe at that time. It was so many a combination of things that make me keep the silence of it, and I do not know what change or changes would make that difference. But I still am uncertain of the 'whistle blow'. Because I am abused many ways by my old sport coach, who I know is still coaching others, and I worry he still does these things. But I do not know how to have courage to say anything of him.

 

[outis]

Leosha,

You write what I feel. I do not know when or how I will ever try to stop the man who raped me. I feel terrible when I think that I did not stop him. But that strength is not in me yet.

Maybe someday each of us will have the kind of strength we need, and we will find and stop these two men.

For now we must not do anything which will hurt ourselves again.

Go easy on yourself,

Joe