While we're on revealing Demons
endlessjourney
Registrant
My name is Jason for those of you who do not know me yet. I was sexually abused by a "close family friend" from the age of 5 until about 8, and I was sexually abused by my 13 year old brother when I was six and it lasted untilI was about 11 or 12.
Now, this was an issue I was ashamed of for years. The aftereffects of my abuse as a child had instilled a sexual fantasy within me that was extremely arousing but horribly traumatizing and shame provoking after it was over. These urges would take control of my mind and body no matter where I was or what I was doing. If they came on, I was sure as hell going to feel them. The only thing that could end these fantasies was masturbating to them "sorry if that disgusted some of you".
My fantasies consisted of extremely masculine beings, be it demons, monsters, or evil and rough men attacking me. They would strip my clothes off of me and proceed to rape me. These fantasies were terrifying but they aroused me. Some of these fantasies had huge crowds of people watching me as I got raped. (MASOCHISM). When these fantasies had ended, I had nothing left within me but to feel weak and ashamed. In these fantasies, any sort of dignity, masculinity, or strength was ripped from me.
These fantasies struck another question within me. "Maybe I'm gay and just don't know it yet". What else would cause these things. Once this concept became apparent, I was completely baffled by what my sexual identity was. These fantasies were over powering, but I still found myself constantly checking out the girls in my highschool and college classes. "Maybe I'm bye" was the next thought. I looked around at some guys and said, "yea, I could see how him and him could be attractive to women but I didn't take any significant interest in men like that". So I said "I'm straight" and was temporarily relieved but then felt uncomfortable about that soon after.
Finally, I read up on a concept called THE KINSEY SCALE which illustrates that all humans lie on spectrum from one to seven, one representing 100% homosexual, and the seven representing 100% heterosexual. He also mentioned that everyone one is some where in between the one and the seven. On this study, I began my successful attempt of riding myself of homophobia. I thought "I like women and don't have any significant attraction to guys. However, if I was attracted to men, I would still be the same Jason and that's OK by me". I know being gay has many disadvantages in life and admire the strength of those who can come out in honesty and speak their peace dispite what every offensive attacks they may have to endure.
Back to the abusive fantasies, as I was reading the courage to heal by laura Davis, I learned, in theory, that those dreams were fantasy, but were indirect reenactments of my childhood abuse that were going on in my mind. I guess, my mind was not quite ready to deal with the real memories that accompanied my abuse. I also found that being humiliated, hurt, or disrespected by someone in real life, were the very things that triggered these uncontrollable urges. The book recommended writting out a contract to myself agreeing that I would not continue masturbating to these fantasies even when they came about at their strongest. It sounds odd, but after doing this, I had the strength to refrain from getting off on those urges. The urges continued to come but I could control them once I learned that I was the one who was in control of my mind and my body. The urges are way fewer and far between than ever. If I am triggered and I feel them, they go away shortly after because I realized that they do nothing for me and I am not aroused by humiliation anymore. If I am, then it must be unnoticable.
Once again, sorry if I was too graphic. Maybe someone can relate.
Much Love,
Jason
Now, this was an issue I was ashamed of for years. The aftereffects of my abuse as a child had instilled a sexual fantasy within me that was extremely arousing but horribly traumatizing and shame provoking after it was over. These urges would take control of my mind and body no matter where I was or what I was doing. If they came on, I was sure as hell going to feel them. The only thing that could end these fantasies was masturbating to them "sorry if that disgusted some of you".
My fantasies consisted of extremely masculine beings, be it demons, monsters, or evil and rough men attacking me. They would strip my clothes off of me and proceed to rape me. These fantasies were terrifying but they aroused me. Some of these fantasies had huge crowds of people watching me as I got raped. (MASOCHISM). When these fantasies had ended, I had nothing left within me but to feel weak and ashamed. In these fantasies, any sort of dignity, masculinity, or strength was ripped from me.
These fantasies struck another question within me. "Maybe I'm gay and just don't know it yet". What else would cause these things. Once this concept became apparent, I was completely baffled by what my sexual identity was. These fantasies were over powering, but I still found myself constantly checking out the girls in my highschool and college classes. "Maybe I'm bye" was the next thought. I looked around at some guys and said, "yea, I could see how him and him could be attractive to women but I didn't take any significant interest in men like that". So I said "I'm straight" and was temporarily relieved but then felt uncomfortable about that soon after.
Finally, I read up on a concept called THE KINSEY SCALE which illustrates that all humans lie on spectrum from one to seven, one representing 100% homosexual, and the seven representing 100% heterosexual. He also mentioned that everyone one is some where in between the one and the seven. On this study, I began my successful attempt of riding myself of homophobia. I thought "I like women and don't have any significant attraction to guys. However, if I was attracted to men, I would still be the same Jason and that's OK by me". I know being gay has many disadvantages in life and admire the strength of those who can come out in honesty and speak their peace dispite what every offensive attacks they may have to endure.
Back to the abusive fantasies, as I was reading the courage to heal by laura Davis, I learned, in theory, that those dreams were fantasy, but were indirect reenactments of my childhood abuse that were going on in my mind. I guess, my mind was not quite ready to deal with the real memories that accompanied my abuse. I also found that being humiliated, hurt, or disrespected by someone in real life, were the very things that triggered these uncontrollable urges. The book recommended writting out a contract to myself agreeing that I would not continue masturbating to these fantasies even when they came about at their strongest. It sounds odd, but after doing this, I had the strength to refrain from getting off on those urges. The urges continued to come but I could control them once I learned that I was the one who was in control of my mind and my body. The urges are way fewer and far between than ever. If I am triggered and I feel them, they go away shortly after because I realized that they do nothing for me and I am not aroused by humiliation anymore. If I am, then it must be unnoticable.
Once again, sorry if I was too graphic. Maybe someone can relate.
Much Love,
Jason
