wheres reality????

wheres reality????
C

cpt. confusion

ok, this post actually has stemmed from another that was posted, but it is a topic that i have been thinking about quite a bit lately. Lately I have been really feeling like I am watching myself through someone else's eyes, or as if I am watching a movie or something. Life does not seem real, it doesn't feel like I am making my own decisions or living each day to the fullest, or living each day in reality at all. everything seems so surreal, and i just feel really detached from everything. I dont know exactly what it is, but i feel as if the more I dive into my recovery, and work on things, the more detached I feel from myself. shouldn't this be the other way around? should I be feeling more in tune to myself as I figure more things out? or does that come later? I just barely began therapy, and havent gotten too far with it yet, (my second appointment is this week) and I am hoping this is a topic that I can cover with the therapist, but it just feels very strange. there are times when I feel like I just leave my body, and float around for a bit, even though I am able to continue to function normally. I feel that there are times that I am living in another world and I am just controlling my body with a remote, like an RC car. I go through the motions, but when I reflect at the end of the day, I feel like I didnt make it anywhere, like everything I did that day was all for naught... i dont know, maybe I'm rambling, maybe I have a point... I just wish I could live more in the moment, and take advantage of the living body that i have, and actually use it to go places (both physically and mentally) each and every day. I want to live in reality, as much as it hurts, and I want to make things of the pain I am suffering from, rather than hide from it. maybe if i am able to do that more consciously I will get further, and feel better than i am now, cause right now I feel like i am spinning in circles, and not going anywhere but back to the beginning. has anyone else had these feelings?

peace,
cpt
 
If you continue to work on your healing and make real progress, this will become a non-issue. One day you may look back and realize that for some time you have been living your own life the way you want.

We all have restrictions on our lives. There are things that we want to do and for one reason or another, just cant. It isnt all about SA. Every one has this problem in different degrees. Learning that RISK is an essential part of our healthy functioning is a main key to living fully.

My problem was that I was a coward. I never took any risks. Then one day I found myself out on the end of a limb, having gone there just to test the breeze.

Take a few small chances, where nothing important is really lost. Look directly into the eyes of someone you find attractive. Tell a truth that you want everyone to know. Do something that you have wanted to do but never did. That is when you begin to live your own life.

Aden
 
cpt. confusion
I spent most of my life watching it pass through eyes that were not me. They were the eyes of a person that other people wanted me to be.

The only time I saw through my own eyes was when I was alone and very private. Those times were horrible until I started down the healing road. It took me a while to be myself and during that time I was watching my perform as someone else that was not the true me.

Aden is right about restrictions. They are not all SA related but the vast majority of mine were. When you start to deal with the past you, as Aden pointed out, you go out on a limb to places that are unfamiliar and therefore somewhat scary. Hell they can be terrifying at times.

Work at it and remember that you are with friends here. ;)
 
Seeing things like a movie can be hard, but can also be common, especially among sexual abuse survivors. There are a couple of reasons, one is like Mike said, that you see yourself through eyes of what other people want you to be, but I think everyone falls into that "trap" from time to time. Another possible reason is dissociation, which we learned when we were abused to survive, and sometimes that remains with us. There are diffirent levels of dissociation, it can range from just highway hypnosis all the way to DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder (Formerly Multiple Personality Disorder)). Of course I am no therapist and as such can't give advice as to what reason is behind it for you, but it is something you really might want to tell your therapist about.

As you continue to work through things everything will get easier and you will slowly be able to see things as yourself again and will no longer be like watching a movie.

Good luck and keep up the therapy, it can be a life saver, literally.

Peace,
Scott
 
Cpt. You know, I'm so happy I found the swans. It took awhile, but I knew you were here all along.

I think what you are feeling is so typical of everything I've read here. In fact, I just took the day off work to try to find some place to gain a foothold. I have no certainties. I never land anywhere. I'm always grabbing for the solid things as I float by, but I can never quite hold on and go floating off on the wind again. I have the feeling that, if I could ever just get to the ground and hold on there, that I could start that healing journey that everyone keeps talking about.
And that floating and sailing thing has to do with every single aspect of my life. I'm cetainly not happy that you feel the way you feel, but I certainly do thank you for posting your feelings. Every time I read a post that validates what I'm feeling, it makes me feel a little less crazy and a little more like I just might make it. Bobby
 
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