Where You a Resilient Child?

[Gistin]

I'm going to do a little thinking out loud; feel free to chime in and reflect and share if you like.

I wonder if I was resilient as a child?

Definition of: Resilient
re·sil·ient| rəˈzilyənt | adjective
1 (of a person or animal) able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions: babies are generally far more resilient than new parents realize.
2 (of a substance or object) able to recoil or spring back into shape after bending, stretching, or being compressed: a shoe with resilient cushioning.

I feel for that 12-year-old boy that didn't know what to do with the situations he endured. But were the survival skills he adopted, faulty as they were, also brilliant in that he made it to adulthood.

I struggle with this question because I have always viewed myself as a patchwork human being. That is to say, did I make it this far in life because the child I once was figured out how to keep the ugly inside. But unfortunately, it wasn't until I was 50 that the patches no longer held and fell apart. So maybe I am not giving credit where credit is due?

Children of domestic violence and abuse have many more resources accessible to them today than when I was a child.

In the past years, the system believed that a child who experienced domestic violence had very little chance of recovering and living an emotionally healthy life as an adult. However, based on current research, this is no longer excepted knowledge. We are learning more and more every day about how children exposed to domestic violence grow up to be healthy partners in relationships and as parents.

I can't help imagine how my life would have been with the awareness that is out there today. I feel that part on so many levels inside, but I can't dwell on that because that was yesterday.

I imagine he/I was a resilient child and did the best one could do with the trauma he handled on his own. Thank you for getting me this far in life. It's my turn to hold you up, and in a way, we are bouncing back together. I got it from here, little man!

 

[Olddog]

I can relate to a couple of things. I'm having a harder time carrying the burden of CSA now than when I was younger. At 55 I'm struggling with sadness and depression more than ever, but I often find myself pulling strength from that resilient child that managed somehow to survive. I'm proud of what I was able to accomplish in a way.

 

[ODAT]

I’m amazed at how the little boy me at 8 got through it. The trauma, PTSD, always looking over one’s shoulder hoping not to run into the abuser, then going with him to desolate places knowing what was about to happen. At 65 now, I don’t know how he survived it all…

 

[George]

Resilient child? I guess if we made it this far and to MS then we are in the technical sense, but we have a whole lot of extra wear & tear to show for it too.

My shame kept me from being involved with kids/friends who had normal lives, normal kids mirrored back everything that I wasn't or didn't have so I befriended other misfits. These friends came from broken homes too, uninvolved parent(s), some abuses, etc. These were the kids I was comfortable being around as friends. As far as I know I was the one with the most strikes against me as far as my family situation and then the ongoing sexual abuse. I even dropped out of high school too so that was another strike against me.

All my friends ended up battling alcoholism and some also drugs, one died at 18 from a drinking caused accident, my best friend Drank himself to death at 52. The rest had problems with the law with drunk driving. The couple that did get married had broken marriages and messed up their kids childhood due to their own demons. Some early on ended up in the gutter homeless never marrying, never owning anything simply failures to launch thanks to their childhoods. With these statistics, I should've ended up worse than any of them.

I had one thing going for me that my friends didn't, I never touched a drink or a drug due to me never ever wanting to lose my control and put myself in a vulnerable position to be abused or assaulted ever again. My friends started experimented with drinking and pot at 12.

Another thing that got me through my childhood and other rough times was my Christian faith that I took on at twelve while I was grasping at anything to keep me from drowning. That faith and hope helped get me through. My father started dragging us to church when he found God thru AA when I was 11. We went kicking and screaming and then were pushed into the churches scouting program. I can say that this church and that scouting program was the only bright spot in my childhood and helped save me. My friends never had any of this, there was no bright spot for them as far as I know. I know that others were abused in churches and scouting groups and that grieves me to know this, I'm angry that happened to them in these situations. This was one of the few things my father got right...

Even with all my warts & failures I've been happily married over 32 years, have happy kids who had an awesome childhood, became financially successful, pushed through and survived a couple earlier business failures. After dealing with the abuse issues starting 23 years ago I'm everything that I statistically shouldn't be. But there is a lot of wear that the odometer doesn't show.

 

[Olddog]

Amen George, you and me both. I'm not sure how I stayed out of the rabbit hole but I did. I played around with drugs and alcohol but my analytical mind kept me safe. I knew that any pleasure I gained from them was only temporary and futile. Somehow I managed to raise a family and be successful in my career. I'm cooked though...close to retirement and holding on. I just feel like I need to rest. I fought the good fight but it's time to remove some of the weight...kids are out and stable, wrapping up my career, need to focus on me now. There have been costs...I'm trying to deal with some of them now. One has been an emotional disconnect. I've always been slightly distant from everyone emotionally.

 

[Bornfree]

I'm going to do a little thinking out loud; feel free to chime in and reflect and share if you like.

I wonder if I was resilient as a child?



I feel for that 12-year-old boy that didn't know what to do with the situations he endured. But were the survival skills he adopted, faulty as they were, also brilliant in that he made it to adulthood.

I struggle with this question because I have always viewed myself as a patchwork human being. That is to say, did I make it this far in life because the child I once was figured out how to keep the ugly inside. But unfortunately, it wasn't until I was 50 that the patches no longer held and fell apart. So maybe I am not giving credit where credit is due?

Children of domestic violence and abuse have many more resources accessible to them today than when I was a child.

In the past years, the system believed that a child who experienced domestic violence had very little chance of recovering and living an emotionally healthy life as an adult. However, based on current research, this is no longer excepted knowledge. We are learning more and more every day about how children exposed to domestic violence grow up to be healthy partners in relationships and as parents.

I can't help imagine how my life would have been with the awareness that is out there today. I feel that part on so many levels inside, but I can't dwell on that because that was yesterday.

I imagine he/I was a resilient child and did the best one could do with the trauma he handled on his own. Thank you for getting me this far in life. It's my turn to hold you up, and in a way, we are bouncing back together. I got it from here, little man!

GO GET the book "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU" by Dr. Bruce Perry, and Oprah Winfrey. It is EXCELLENT!! And I am not using caps without good reason. You will find out whether you weathered the "storm", resilient, or malleable. I think I have only weathered the storm, still battered and bruised, cut up all over from being bounced against the rocks in the rough seas. The barnacles cutting into me like thousands of sharpened knives, but just enough to draw blood and let the salt water sting me all over! That is how I feel. Now after reading your thinking out loud to the part where you mentioned "Resilient" I shall stop and go back and continue reading!!, OK, I know I'm a little crazy sometimes, but don't we all?

 

[Bornfree]

GO GET the book "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU" by Dr. Bruce Perry, and Oprah Winfrey. It is EXCELLENT!! And I am not using caps without good reason. You will find out whether you weathered the "storm", resilient, or malleable. I think I have only weathered the storm, still battered and bruised, cut up all over from being bounced against the rocks in the rough seas. The barnacles cutting into me like thousands of sharpened knives, but just enough to draw blood and let the salt water sting me all over! That is how I feel. Now after reading your thinking out loud to the part where you mentioned "Resilient" I shall stop and go back and continue reading!!, OK, I know I'm a little crazy sometimes, but don't we all?

One word I struggle identifying with is the label of calling me a "man". For some reason, I can not stand using that word. It hurts, it feels like salt being rubbed into a raw wound, I don't know, am I a man or what? Thoughts?

 

[ODAT]

Bornfree,
I’ve often struggled with that too. When I’m around other men, especially in a setting like a locker room, I feel like they can see through me and know who I really am.
The residue of abuse…

 

[Bornfree]

Resilient child? I guess if we made it this far and to MS then we are in the technical sense, but we have a whole lot of extra wear & tear to show for it too.

My shame kept me from being involved with kids/friends who had normal lives, normal kids mirrored back everything that I wasn't or didn't have so I befriended other misfits. These friends came from broken homes too, uninvolved parent(s), some abuses, etc. These were the kids I was comfortable being around as friends. As far as I know I was the one with the most strikes against me as far as my family situation and then the ongoing sexual abuse. I even dropped out of high school too so that was another strike against me.

All my friends ended up battling alcoholism and some also drugs, one died at 18 from a drinking caused accident, my best friend Drank himself to death at 52. The rest had problems with the law with drunk driving. The couple that did get married had broken marriages and messed up their kids childhood due to their own demons. Some early on ended up in the gutter homeless never marrying, never owning anything simply failures to launch thanks to their childhoods. With these statistics, I should've ended up worse than any of them.

I had one thing going for me that my friends didn't, I never touched a drink or a drug due to me never ever wanting to lose my control and put myself in a vulnerable position to be abused or assaulted ever again. My friends started experimented with drinking and pot at 12.

Another thing that got me through my childhood and other rough times was my Christian faith that I took on at twelve while I was grasping at anything to keep me from drowning. That faith and hope helped get me through. My father started dragging us to church when he found God thru AA when I was 11. We went kicking and screaming and then were pushed into the churches scouting program. I can say that this church and that scouting program was the only bright spot in my childhood and helped save me. My friends never had any of this, there was no bright spot for them as far as I know. I know that others were abused in churches and scouting groups and that grieves me to know this, I'm angry that happened to them in these situations. This was one of the few things my father got right...

Even with all my warts & failures I've been happily married over 32 years, have happy kids who had an awesome childhood, became financially successful, pushed through and survived a couple earlier business failures. After dealing with the abuse issues starting 23 years ago I'm everything that I statistically shouldn't be. But there is a lot of wear that the odometer doesn't show.

It is a good feeling knowing that you've been married 32 years, me too, and that your kids had a good childhood and now careers. My kids, though not perfect childhood years, were not overly bad. Now they are striking out on their pathways to good careers, much better than I ever could achieve. guess there are miracles someplace! Just too bad we had to endure the pain for the good of others. I wouldn't wish any of what I had even on my worst enemy - uhm,,, (me?)!

 

[Greybeard]

It's an interesting question, a different way of looking at things. Since I have come to accept that I was abused as a child, and remembered much more about what happened, I tend to think of myself as a passive victim of it all.

Thanks to my T, I have discovered that I experienced severe dissociation as a way of coping, of blacking out the memories. I thought of that as further victimization.

And yet, perhaps it was resiliancy. It allowed me to keep going, to continue living, despite everything that was happening to me. I'm still around, after all. Still struggling with the effects, but at least I am here.

 

[jeffel]

One word I struggle identifying with is the label of calling me a "man". For some reason, I can not stand using that word. It hurts, it feels like salt being rubbed into a raw wound, I don't know, am I a man or what? Thoughts?

I have had this exact same difficulty. I never wanted to be my father. I didn't have a conscious memory of his abuse as a teenager, but I knew I didn't want to be like him, and he was a man. He was my model of manhood, and I knew he had hurt me, even if I didn't remember the CSA specifically. I am trying to teach myself to recognize that a "man" is a grown male and nothing more. I can be a man without being the man my father is. That helps a little, but it's still a struggle.

 

[Bornfree]

I have had this exact same difficulty. I never wanted to be my father. I didn't have a conscious memory of his abuse as a teenager, but I knew I didn't want to be like him, and he was a man. He was my model of manhood, and I knew he had hurt me, even if I didn't remember the CSA specifically. I am trying to teach myself to recognize that a "man" is a grown male and nothing more. I can be a man without being the man my father is. That helps a little, but it's still a struggle.

I am glad for you. I think I will forever struggle with my past as I see no escape.

 

[jeffel]

I am glad for you. I think I will forever struggle with my past as I see no escape.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm only at the beginning of this journey, so I can't speak much from experience, but are you talking to a therapist?

 

[Bornfree]

I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm only at the beginning of this journey, so I can't speak much from experience, but are you talking to a therapist?

I have in the past, but so many different forms of abuse by other boys, as well as my doc, and never really feeling "loved" by my father, I have always felt freakish. It hurts when I think about all I have been through, though, not nearly as devastating as what some of the other chaps had done to them as boys. On top of that abuse, when I was 12, (Ive mentioned this before) had encephalitis and it was a life changer though my parents ignored my cries for help so many times I felt like I no longer was worthy of living. So many times contemplating ways to kill myself off to rid me of pain and torment. One night, I came very close to ending things. I am at times confused about my life, as I have never been able to really fulfill any of my dreams.

 

[jeffel]

I have in the past, but so many different forms of abuse by other boys, as well as my doc, and never really feeling "loved" by my father, I have always felt freakish. It hurts when I think about all I have been through, though, not nearly as devastating as what some of the other chaps had done to them as boys. On top of that abuse, when I was 12, (Ive mentioned this before) had encephalitis and it was a life changer though my parents ignored my cries for help so many times I felt like I no longer was worthy of living. So many times contemplating ways to kill myself off to rid me of pain and torment. One night, I came very close to ending things. I am at times confused about my life, as I have never been able to really fulfill any of my dreams.

I am truly sorry that you ever had to suffer any of that. All I can say is that I will pray for you. Although you might feel like it at times, your life is not over. I hope that God brings you some peace.

 

[WG]

George : I , too, never have had an alcoholic drink nor did I ever do drugs. Even as a teenager growing up in the Sixties in Southern California. I didn't want out be out of control and I saw what it did to those whom I knew participated in that behavior. I'd see them at rock concerts mostly - Jefferson Airplane or Iron Butterfly or some other famous band at the time. They would already be either drunk or high before the music began. I'd as later at school what they thought of the concert - they couldn't remember much. Well, those rock musicians have almost all died and these folks have no memory of the music.
As for being resilient - just like the rest of you who have responded....I had to be. My abuse occurred from 1959 - 1961. There were no resources for abused children then. There was no DSHS (division of health and human services), there was no CPS (child protective service), police didn't get involved, welfare services were for unemployed individuals and running away wasn't on my radar. I learned to be the class clown. If I could make people laugh then they wouldn't suspect the hurt and shame I carried.
I've been married 42 years. Great wife, good kids who have become terrific adults, retired, involved with my church and a car club (I own a Thunderbird.....yes, it has the porthole hardtop).
Have I moved beyond the past abuse? At times, yes. At times, no. It never truly ever goes away. We live with this every day of our lives. I'm nearly 70. It has haunted me since 1959.

 

[C. E.]

I'm going to do a little thinking out loud; feel free to chime in and reflect and share if you like.

I wonder if I was resilient as a child?
...
I feel for that 12-year-old boy that didn't know what to do with the situations he endured. But were the survival skills he adopted, faulty as they were, also brilliant in that he made it to adulthood.

I struggle with this question because I have always viewed myself as a patchwork human being. That is to say, did I make it this far in life because the child I once was figured out how to keep the ugly inside. But unfortunately, it wasn't until I was 50 that the patches no longer held and fell apart. So maybe I am not giving credit where credit is due?

Thank you for bringing up this topic.

My dad used to call me his little superball - the harder I hit bottom, the higher I bounced back up. He never knew what I was dealing with as a kid, but that's pretty much how I got through it. When I moved away from home (and the perpetual abuse) at 20, I never looked back. I put it on the shelf of forgotten memories and let the cobwebs of hoped-for forgetting build on them. Unfortunately, that meant disengaging from the child I was - that all the good got tarnished by all the bad, so the whole bunch of it was trash to me. In my father's eyes, I was this great kid. And yet I hated that kid. In a way, I tried to pretend my life started at 20, and everything that happened before was not worth looking at.

It was in therapy (supposedly it was therapy for months of endless grieving after my dad died - gee, no wonder, huh?) that I finally faced it all. And that was when I realized that disgusting little boy I tried to forget was stronger than anything I've been since. In a real sense, the guy who regularly molested him was not his only abuser. When he was done with that kid, I abused him, too. I blamed him for everything. I then tried to forget him entirely. It took therapy to finally look at him and realize he did the best he could. He was not to blame. Ever since he became my core, I felt less like - as you put it - a "patchwork human being." I've been more productive, more caring, more likeable, more successful and much more resilient to the up and downs in life that would otherwise have flustered me. For me at least, the first step in healing - in becoming whole and functional - was forgiving myself. Simple, but true.

You ask if you are not giving credit where credit is due. That's maybe where to start.

 

[blankspace]

For me I had no choice but to be resilient, for me, it was do or die. The idea of feeling terrible, horrible, disgusting and just getting stuff done was normal. I had a feeling something wasn't ok but couldn't understand what this was, only to have it manifest in comfort eating and finding ways to punish myself, not cutting or anything like that. Just drinking lots with people I thought were friends, pushing myself hard to the point of dripping sweat in so much pain I couldn't move, and im about to pass out from dehydration, not understanding it any of these feelings at all.

It took me going through some confidence training to understand that something wasn't really right and with that one night, the bottle of emotions literally exploded (the only way I can think to explain it), it wasn't good, my emotions were broken and where really messed up I started grabbing onto any emotion the bad and the good, trying to be friends with anyone, even those that were rude or horrible to me, anyone who showed me any kind of love even the horrible toxic kinds id run towards them for any kind of light trying not to feeling the horror show inside that I was normal, I knew I was hurting and hurting bad, but I didn't want to give up.

It is years later now, and now that I look back and think of how much I had gone through, (triggers here) I was abused as a toddler, surrounded by physical violence and domestic abuse, and then later in life was abused by someone I trusted like a friend, who used me. I have been beaten down over and over again but I kept getting back up and moving forward... Like my T said, many people would have given up and ended it, they are amazed every week I go into my sessions.

As a child, while still dealing with the abuse, going shopping on my own, pushing a cart around at 6 or 7 with a picture list because my parent couldn't read, picking up items, and doing the shopping while they tried to get money to pay for the shopping... to getting bullied... nearly failing out of every class throughout my schooling... to be laughed at for being a little slower mentally then everyone else my age... to have people I thought were friends treat me like dirt even abusing me... to nearly getting killed, by a mugger, poisoning (chemical), my own parent cutting my wrists as a child and serious alcohol poisoning... I got back up and dusted myself off and continued with the same mindset it is what it is.

I think at this point in time with my T and the sessions, im starting to learn and heal, im becoming mentally tough and learning, and my T reminds me that sometimes there is a reason, maybe if none of that happened I wouldn't be in the career I am now helping people, I wouldn't have the new life I do, amazing friends I have made the last few years, never gone back to college. I know its a cliche but I like to think im like the sword in the old Marine commercials "Forged in Fire and hammered into shape by struggle" I do like to think im that sword, that all this in life was forging me into what I am so that one day I will be the sharpest sword to help someone else.

Im middle-aged now, and for me, the system failed me, when I was a toddler and it was found out what happened, I got one session with a therapist and they told my family I'd grow out of the memories and feelings. My family never knew what my friend did to me and when I finally got the courage from another friend to go to the police and just talk about it and get pointed towards support. The cop chuckled and did everything he could to talk me out of it doing anything, in front of a large crowd of people, I got so embarrassed and left. Ever since then, I have been dealing with the emotions and side effects of that. Not being believed, and being laughed at these are not good feelings. Lucky enough I have a very good T who is going through everything step by step, checking in on me and supporting me however they can.

I know this share probably went a little off-topic, but I wanted anyone who read it to know the fact that you are here right now, reading this post and writing a response means you are just as resilient as I am, You made it to today and I am glad that you are here, I could not ask for a forum of better guys to talk to about what's happening, learning and healing together. This community saved my life and gave me so much support

 

[ODAT]

For me I had no choice but to be resilient, for me, it was do or die. The idea of feeling terrible, horrible, disgusting and just getting stuff done was normal. I had a feeling something wasn't ok but couldn't understand what this was, only to have it manifest in comfort eating and finding ways to punish myself, not cutting or anything like that. Just drinking lots with people I thought were friends, pushing myself hard to the point of dripping sweat in so much pain I couldn't move, and im about to pass out from dehydration, not understanding it any of these feelings at all.

It took me going through some confidence training to understand that something wasn't really right and with that one night, the bottle of emotions literally exploded (the only way I can think to explain it), it wasn't good, my emotions were broken and where really messed up I started grabbing onto any emotion the bad and the good, trying to be friends with anyone, even those that were rude or horrible to me, anyone who showed me any kind of love even the horrible toxic kinds id run towards them for any kind of light trying not to feeling the horror show inside that I was normal, I knew I was hurting and hurting bad, but I didn't want to give up.

It is years later now, and now that I look back and think of how much I had gone through, (triggers here) I was abused as a toddler, surrounded by physical violence and domestic abuse, and then later in life was abused by someone I trusted like a friend, who used me. I have been beaten down over and over again but I kept getting back up and moving forward... Like my T said, many people would have given up and ended it, they are amazed every week I go into my sessions.

As a child, while still dealing with the abuse, going shopping on my own, pushing a cart around at 6 or 7 with a picture list because my parent couldn't read, picking up items, and doing the shopping while they tried to get money to pay for the shopping... to getting bullied... nearly failing out of every class throughout my schooling... to be laughed at for being a little slower mentally then everyone else my age... to have people I thought were friends treat me like dirt even abusing me... to nearly getting killed, by a mugger, poisoning (chemical), my own parent cutting my wrists as a child and serious alcohol poisoning... I got back up and dusted myself off and continued with the same mindset it is what it is.

I think at this point in time with my T and the sessions, im starting to learn and heal, im becoming mentally tough and learning, and my T reminds me that sometimes there is a reason, maybe if none of that happened I wouldn't be in the career I am now helping people, I wouldn't have the new life I do, amazing friends I have made the last few years, never gone back to college. I know its a cliche but I like to think im like the sword in the old Marine commercials "Forged in Fire and hammered into shape by struggle" I do like to think im that sword, that all this in life was forging me into what I am so that one day I will be the sharpest sword to help someone else.

Im middle-aged now, and for me, the system failed me, when I was a toddler and it was found out what happened, I got one session with a therapist and they told my family I'd grow out of the memories and feelings. My family never knew what my friend did to me and when I finally got the courage from another friend to go to the police and just talk about it and get pointed towards support. The cop chuckled and did everything he could to talk me out of it doing anything, in front of a large crowd of people, I got so embarrassed and left. Ever since then, I have been dealing with the emotions and side effects of that. Not being believed, and being laughed at these are not good feelings. Lucky enough I have a very good T who is going through everything step by step, checking in on me and supporting me however they can.

I know this share probably went a little off-topic, but I wanted anyone who read it to know the fact that you are here right now, reading this post and writing a response means you are just as resilient as I am, You made it to today and I am glad that you are here, I could not ask for a forum of better guys to talk to about what's happening, learning and healing together. This community saved my life and gave me so much support

Wow-that’s resilience! Sorry you had to go through all that. thought mine was bad (and it was) but there’s a lot of people here that have been through really tough times…