Where to start?

[bcb00]

My abuse started when I was very young at the hands of a family member. I repressed the memory of it to the point that when the images appeared I imagined that I had dreamt them.
My first sexual experience with anyone else came in the form of my best friend when we were in our early teens. We had sex as much as possible and in every possible way until we were almost 17. We both had relationships (as much of a relationship teenagers can have at least) with girls our age. He got a girl pregnant, moved in with her and we didn't speak again for years; thank goodness for Facebook? I never told him about the abuse I suffered as a kid until last year when I was trying to make sense of things. I asked him why we did what we did in his mind. He chocked it up to kids exploring. I'm not sure.
Fast forward to my mid 20s. I had had quite a few relationships with women, hadn't even thought of same sex encounters. I found myself married with a little girl on the way. She was the first person I had ever confided in about my abuse. My marriage was doomed from the start. She was much younger, looking for an excuse to not go into the military like her father wanted.
It was less than a year into our marriage that she began to be unfaithful, which immediately opened the door to my indiscretions. It started with old flames, worked up to one night stands, and eventually I began to look at gay chat rooms. All the old feelings of my teens came back. I wasn't actively looking for SSA but if the opportunity was to arise I would.
I was like a kid in a candy store, having sex with any girl I could get naked. I didn't act on any SSA urges until we were separated. I found a guy on adult friend finder and had him come over. We had oral sex and it was like riding a bike. That was the only encounter I had for years.
Fast forward to more recent years.
I met a girl and we love each other. I have told her about the abuse, nothing else. Not my history with other men. Not all of my promiscuity. So basically our entire relationship is a lie. I hadn't had any same sex urges for years, until our sex life began to recede. At that point I didn't even know craigslist had a personals section. I began meeting men for oral sex, I didn't care if it was reciprocal or not. Every time after I was repulsed by my actions. There is more to the story but I'm getting a long winded right now. I'll finish it up another time. Thanks for the forum.

 

[Duckie]

deleted

 

[John E]

I hope you feel the support here on MS. Good luck to you.

 

[Gusbus777]

First of all, try not be ashamed. Shame is natural and sometimes unavoidable but it's only going to make things worse so do your best not to feed into it.

Back when we were living in the savannas in small tribes our opportunities for sexual encounters were few and far between. So basically we evolved the instinct to have sex as often as humanly possible.

Today, sex is often little more than a short text conversation away. So it makes a heck of a lot of sense that so many people fall into this pattern compulsive sexual behavior. It is perfectly understandable, it doesn't mean you don't love your girl friend or that you are an unmoral person.. it has much more to do with biology than morality.

This youtube video from "The School of Life" on porn addiction is applicable to what I said above https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rov1xxqYsFU

You also might want to find a therapist you can talk to about this to try and understand what underlying / unresolved feelings might be driving your desire to have these kinds of sexual interactions with strangers as it does seem like you find it disturbing.

One possibility is that you are re-enacting your early trauma in an attempt to master it. You might also be interested in the idea of a vertical split, when there is an aspect of our selves we find difficult to incorporate into our personality we act out in ways that are not congruent with our identity (e.g. right wing politicians who get caught having sex with men in bathrooms). I don't know enough about your history to really have any idea, I'm just throwing out a couple possibilities you might find helpful to think about.

Hopefully that therapist can also help you find a way to discuss your difficulties with your partner. As they say in alcoholics anonymous "you're only as sick as your secrets".

If you can talk about it, there's a good chance you can resolve it, and you're talking about it with us which is a huge step in the right direction

I would also urge you to please get tested for STDs if you are not already doing so. The risks associated with oral sex might be lower than with intercourse but it sounds like you have a history of risky sex and you have a responsibility to yourself and your partners to know your status.

I hope you don't feel to crappy about this. I have some idea what it's like to feel overwhelmed by desires and its not pleasant but you can get through it if you try.

Take care of yourself!