Where to begin

Where to begin
S

sabooka

Registrant
Where to begin? I have been becoming aware of being abused by my mother. I have been going to a theripist for six months and through body work and hypnotherepy I have been coming in contact with an awareness of being sexually molested by my mother. It has been very difficult for me to accept that it happened and to accept that I could not remember it happening for over twenty years. My wife and I are expecting our first child in September and I am trying to work through my problems before the child arrives. I am still not sure to what severity I was abused. I can only remember snippits of things that do not feel right. I am preparing to confront my family next month and am extreamly apprehensive.

My wife has been very supportive but yet I still feel alone in this. I live in europe and my family is in Canada so there is also a seperation from them. I am writing this in hope that sharing what is going on with me will somehow make it easier. I don't really have any questions but would just like to have a place to talk about what happened to me and what I am going through.

Thanks for your time in reading this.
 
Sabooka,

I think feeling alone, even if you have support, is quite normal. Your wife may be supportive, but no matter what you tell her there is no way she will understand what this is like. Being so far away from her doesn't help, of course. I know that from my own personal experience.

On coming to terms with memories and whether you can trust them, there is a good thread on that in the forum. Mine also came back to me after many years, and it was frightening to wonder whether they were real or just some fantasy. I am not a therapist but my own read here would be that they are real. Either way, you are on the right track since you are already seeing someone who can offer professional help. As for the rest, you will find that the guys here will listen and support you.

Take care,
Larry
 
I'm only beginning to understand and accept what happened to me. I keep trying to deny that anything happened, but I have memories that I am only becoming aware are actually memories. Denial and confusion have been a happy medication. I find support in your questioning of how you could not remember for 20 years. Continue to trust yourself, I say as I'm learning the same thing right now.

It is a blessing to have a wife who understands. I tell her everything and it's all been coming clear in the last 3 months and esp this last week. I see a therapist tomorrow. I appreciate what you have written - it is support.

I can't imagine even telling my family, little lone confronting them if it was them. You are brave to be able to do that.
 
Thanks for your messages, they are really helpful. It is comforting to know that I am not alone. In the last couple of days I have started to feel a sadness. It is like everything is deadened and dull. Sometimes I wonder if this is pain, depression, or I don't know. I know that I am supposed to feel pain but I have never allowed myself to experiance it beyond physical pain. I am asking my self if this is emotional pain. Yes it is uncomfortable but it does not corespond to my idea of pain.

Thanks for your words, they are really helpful
 
I'm just starting to feel the emotional pain, something that I've had control over for years. I'm still in denial and still trying to convince myself that nothing happened, but when I am dropped to my knees by a brief memory - I know. I've always known.
 
I had a very eventful session with my t today. It was the first time that I allowed my self to feel. Feel anything in fact. It allowed my to feel lighter and now I think I won't be able to stop.

My question is what happens when the flood waters open?

thanks again for the support
 
As has been said so many, many times, I'm sorry you had to find this place but happy that you found it. Happy too that you're seeing a therapist with whom you are comfortable enough to let yourself feel. It seems many of us here, although we are different in many ways, have very similar responses to the abuse we suffered as children.

Having said that, if you are like me, then when the flood waters open, there's no closing them back up again. It seems that I would just break down pretty much at any time during the early part of my recovery. I believe it's part of the process, the process being that all of the emotions and feelings we've suppressed for so many years burst out of you as if they couldn't be kept down anymore. And they can't be. The defenses we build as children, defenses that helped us survive until now, come tumbling down, never to be rebuilt again. They just don't work anymore. I find that I can employ them from time to time to get through certain situations, but they don't work like they used to.

Be thankful for your supportive wife. Be proud that you have sought help and have accepted it. Do not be ashamed of the emotions that you will feel. Have no guilt about what happened to you as a child, it is NEVER the child's fault. And know that this work will take some time, keep at it but rushing it could prove to be traumatic. You will heal in time and you and your wife and your beautiful child-to-be will all be better off for it. I wish you peace in your heart and soul and wish you a safe journey. Welcome. - John
 
I was already in my 50s before I was able to face the reality of abuse by my mother when I was about 5 years old. The vivid memory of climbing into her bed, the feel and smell of her body and the bed and her nightgown were buried so deep, but played havoc with every aspect of my life. Only after reading Alice Miller's "Though shalt not be aware" and Mike Lew's "Victims no longer" did the pieces fall into place. My life fell apart for a while but I was lucky to find a therapist who helped me to feel again. It's a slow painful battle, but having my life back again it worth it. You are not alone.
 
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