Where to begin

Where to begin
M

Maynard

Registrant
I am wondering how to begin healing myself? I wrote my first post yesterday that told my story, and after I first wrote it I felt quite good. Then after about half an hour later I was terrified. I thought what the hell did I just do, I just told everybody the thing that I am most ashamed of and never wanted anybody to know about. My next thought was does anybody believe me? That is one of the scariest thoughts of all, that nobody believes me. I have no recollection of being abused, but am positive that I was. So for me it is easy to think that people don't believe simply because of repressed memories. If one has lived my life or knew the entire story there would be no questioning at all, but the thought that people don't believe me is I suppose as scary or worse then not ever saying anything. I was considering never coming back here again, but I find myself being drawn back like a moth to a flame. I have seen many therapist throughout my life, probably 10 or more, and most of them were not very good. The first one I saw at the age of 13 called me a litte piece of &@#$, and I used to hide under my bed to avoid seeing him. The last one I saw was quite good, but I moved so I don't see her anymore. She told me I was like a dog that was beaten, in the sense that they will come near you wanting to be pet but in the end are too scared to actually come to you. That is exactly how I feel when it comes to people. I so long for true relationships with people, but I do not trust anybody. So, where to begin???? I guess this is a start, but I know an hour from now I am going to be pissed off at myself for coming back here and scared as hell for expressing my true feelings, instead of hiding them as I have done my whole life. I found a quote today that I really like and thought that I would share it.

"Without freedom from the past, there is no freedom at all, because the mind is never new, fresh, and innocent." Krishnamurti
 
Maynard - many of us here built walls within our minds to protect us from events of the past. Sometimes the walls stay up - mine like many others here have crumbled. Thats when we have begun to accept and aknowledge our history.

That's where our recovery has started.

I do not know what is within your walls, but there is support here - do not expect to be ridiculed.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
I know an hour from now I am going to be pissed off at myself for coming back here and scared as hell for expressing my true feelings
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I've been posting at this site for a while, and just today I had those same feelings. It's like, I can only give out so much info. Any more than that, and I've spread myself out to be trampled to death. Over and over I've been in complete shock as I write something that makes me feel so vulnerable and somebody writes me back saying they understand, that the same things happen to them, or even if they haven't been through what I have, they're here for me. I tell you, it's downright scary!

Like many here, when I was a teen I started having problems related to the abuse. I started doing things that seemed crazy to me. I thought, well, I'm supposed to be able to talk to my dad about stuff like this, so I did. He gave me no help whatsoever. A week later, though, a man in our church asked me about the problem I was having. It turned out my dad had told a bunch of people and wanted me to be disciplined by the church. That was the last time I ever trusted my family with anything. I was trained by my family not to trust anyone outside the family, and that episode clenched the fact that I couldn't trust inside the family either.

After years of therapy with somebody I can trust, I'm finally able to write about this today and believe that my brothers here won't tear me apart like what's happened to me so many times. Occasionally I'll slip and say more than I'd like to, expose more of myself than I think people will tolerate, but the fact is, I'm not getting abused anymore. When I finally pulled away from my parents' cave of secrets I discovered that people out here care.

I hope you find that same caring. We trust just a little bit and see how it goes. If it goes well, we trust a little more. Eventually the beaten-down dog can run free again with his new "chosen family".

Take care, OK? And write all you feel comfortable writing. You'll see that the men here understand, they care, and nobody's judging us.
 
Seems you are at least on the Interstate to Recovery and finding what you want.

It is a long road, the last lines are the best ones

Early teens was my abuse era: followed by speech
therapy, a long series of gastro problems due to stress and physical abuse.

In Therapy: 1972, 1974, 1976, 1977,1981-2 1993, 1995-2003

Diagnosis: neurosis, depression, phobias (fear of flying & heights secondary to aircraft crash), PTSD, sexual dysfunction, anxiety, fugue states,
chronic pain.


Number of therapists: six psychiatrists (only one for real therapy, the rest wrote prescriptions), three psychologists, and perhaps a dozen social workers, Ph.D. one sex therapist (quack). Might as well add in a few escorts, and courtesans!

Group Therapy: VA PTSD groups, including a special combat medics group, graduate psychology students group (where all the grad students hashed around how screwed up we were & where, I was voted least likely to graduate).

I wish that I was able to get "real" help and support earlier but PTSD was not even a diagnosis until really 1980. Vietnam sucked but it was not
a fear of the "VC" that tormented me. It was that evil cold man.

You are thirty years ahead of the curve! One
should not wait as long as I did.

I was like a dog that was beaten, in the sense that they will come near you wanting to be pet but in the end are too scared to actually come to you.
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I hope the folks here and they will eventually get you to come over for a doggie cookie.

Joe

PS

I never became a therapist as I sucked.
 
i think the one things that works so far for me in terms of 'healing' is to just keep trying and keep talking about and thinking about and exploring all the most horrible things in your head. one of the biggest steps i had to tkae in order to get into therapy was just to stop trying to divert my attention. stop trying to forget and block it out and and live in denial. cuz its there and its not going anywhere. so thats all i can say. talk about it. explore it. feel it, no matter how much it sucks.
 
Thank you guys for being so kind and understanding. I had complete faith that you all would be, but it still made it no less scary to post my story. I guess as luck had it I just posted my story on one of the worst days possible, with the MJ verdict coming in a couple hours later. Anyways, thank you sophiesdad for telling me to trust my gut, that is what I needed to hear. To my gut there has never been the question whether or not it happened. It is just my mind would not except it, which it finally has. I remember when I was a kid and watching tv and seeing the news where murderers and rapists where caught and always thinking there was one of those people in my family, having know idea who, this was before anyone new my sister was molested. There have been some very, very, strong signs, looked back upon, that each sibling and myself were all sexually abused as children. My grandpa was not just a child molester he is a flat out psychopath. I could go into detail about all the other things he has done and not been caught at, but I guess that would be a different forum. Anyways, got to go, thankyou Rick57, ForeverFighting, and sophiesdad for your replies. It feels good to finally have found people who understand.
 
When I was typing my last reply RockyMtJoe and puppy replied to the post. So I would also like to thank them for there kind replies.
 
To all you May and Pup, and all

"out here in the country"

I can see north 48 miles and Pikes Peak,
to the south almost 58 miles Spanish Peaks.
My "yard" is so big that when I call the dogs and puppies I have enough time to write a thank you.

So much "healing" in nature, those of you in cities or subrubia -whatever it is- I'll think of you and you can saddle up and ride on in as you think and dream.

I know sometimes some of us can not see the end of the driveway, just wanted to share a good place and time.

Love Song 1968 movie "Romeo and Juliet"

-A Time for Us-

A time for us, some day there'll be
When chains are torn by courage born of a love that's free

A time when dreams so long denied can flourish As we unveil the love we now must hide

A time for us, at last to see
A life worthwhile for you and me

And with our love, through tears and thorns
We will endure as we pass surely through every storm

A time for us, some day there'll be a new world
A world of shining hope for you and me
For you and me

And with our love, through tears and thorns
We will endure as we pass surely through every storm

A time for us, some day there'll be a new world A world of shining hope for you and me

A world of shining hope for you and me

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