Where to begin

Where to begin
I was feeling a little better now. In a T session and I got to talk to myself when I was young (sounds crazy). That was terrifying, I never relised how scared and beaten down I was as a kid. I wish i could beat the F**ckers down who did these things to me as a kid. I cant trust anyone, not even my Therapist. I had to keep my eyes closed so I did not have to look him in the eyes. We never get into any specifics as at all, but this exercise is "talking" to myself when I was little scared the crap out of me. It feels like all progress has been lost, I feel like i am five again. Hopeless and helpless with no one to protect me. I remember this from the session "Everyone who was supposed to protect me hurts me. I cant rely on anyone, I wish I was invisible. I want to run away, iam boy not something to be played with and tossed aside. WHy in the hell cant they leave me alone. let me be a kid for Gods sake! LEAVE ME ALONE, it hurts too much I cant do this. This is not right, dont touch me there, dont do that, just stop please."

Mean while back to my adult self, i have completely broken down. I cant deal with anything. I went to bed at 5:30 and had nightmares and cant sleep. Looks like another Xanax night.
 
((((((((((((BinMichigan))))))))))))

I wish, God, I wish there was something I could do or say that will make this easier. I can't. What I can do is tell you again that you aren't alone. Not anymore.

Yes, you deserved to be a child. You also deserve to be loved and understood for who you are now. And you are, by me and the other brothers on the site.

With time, which is the frustrating thing about all this, it will become easier to deal with. Pain, someone once told me, is like a big rock you have to carry. It seems so heavy, but when we learn to deal with it, we become strongere. The rock isn;t as heavy anymore. And we learn to heal.

Whenever you need someone, we're here. PM me or one of the others here you trust.

Peace and love, my friend.

Scot
 
Originally posted by BinMichigan:
In a T session and I got to talk to myself when I was young (sounds crazy). That was terrifying, I never relised how scared and beaten down I was as a kid.
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B - Doesn't sound crazy at all, and yes it does sound terrifying. I can't imagine how painful that was. I know that that's something I can't do right now myself, I'm terrified at the thought of having to connect with myself as a young child again. Mainly because I know how painful it would be. I look at pictures of myself as a child and am still emotionally distant from that person. You're a strong person, man, and I salute you for that.

Looks like another Xanax night.
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Xanax is good for calming the nerves, I take it myself, generally every other day or so. Meds are there for when we need them, so take good care of yourself and use them if you need them.
 
Brian
It might sound like patronizing bullshit, but many of us have been where you are now, and we got through it.

At this early stage we expect results - quickly! we've lived for many years with the mixed up memories, and then we've made this HUGE decision to do something about it. Then all of a sudden - we feel ten times worse than we did when we were doing nothing about it. And that just doesn't seem right.

But think carefully about what's going on.
Suddenly you are looking at your childhood and your life right up to the present day in a different way, you've gone from doing nothing to doing something.
If you're anything like myself, and the rest of the guys who go through this, you're suddenly confronted with emotions - new emotions, and we don't know how to deal with them. We never learned this stuff as kids, we learned something else - all bad!
You say that your wife is going to support you, which is terrific, but I bet you doubted that before you told her what had happened to you? I certainly did, even after 25 years of marriage.
That's another scary emotion to deal with - someone STILL loves and trusts you!

I would hazard a guess that it isn't the past abuse that's upsetting you so much, but the future.
You're present and future are going to change, dramatically. And that's very unsettling and frightening.
What we are doing when we heal is very complex in many respects, not only are we coming to terms with our pasts, but at the same time we're shaping our futures.

Is it worth it? YES, is it hard? YES.

Brian, use your support, tell your wife how you feel, tell your therapist your deepest, darkest fears, come here and talk about different ideas that you have.
We can't do it alone, and you're NOT alone.

Dave
 
Thank you everyone for your help, I seem to have real good and real bad nights. Last night was really bad, but I wonder if my T should have taken that step when I have only seen him twice? It through me for a loop.

I slept most of today, I do that alot lately. Tomorrow I have to work which means I will have to face others again. I can only thank God for giving me such a good wife, she is being so supportive. I have to admit the first time I told I thought for sure she would never see me the same again and she would look down on me, but that was not the case.

I appreciate all of your help, its is so good to know I am not alone, because most of myh life I have felt alone, scare and like I dont even deserve to exist.
 
Brian
all that hard emotional work does make you tired, but then you can't sleep because your mind's in freakin' overdrive! :eek:

But you're never alone here.

Dave
 
I freaked out and could not go back to my therapist. The little talk to myself as a kid thing is too much, I got outside his office, started shaking and blacked out, fell down the stairs. Went to the hospital, nothing bad, WTF is going on with me, is my body tring to hide this so bad it is trying to stop me from going to the therapist????

I dont know how to tell my T that it affected me this bad and now I dont want to even go.
 
Originally posted by BinMichigan:
I freaked out and could not go back to my therapist. The little talk to myself as a kid thing is too much, I got outside his office, started shaking and blacked out, fell down the stairs. Went to the hospital, nothing bad, WTF is going on with me, is my body tring to hide this so bad it is trying to stop me from going to the therapist????

I dont know how to tell my T that it affected me this bad and now I dont want to even go.
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There is nothing to be ashamed of. Tell him the truth. Being open and honest is the way you will get the most out of therapy. Yeah it is tough and feels like shit, but you do start to feel better. My ex-wife asked me why I kept going to therapy when I would come back all pissed off, my response was it helped. Yeah I was pissed, it is an ordeal to go through. The sessions that take the most out of you are the ones that you get the most out of.

Take care B,
Bill
your fellow Michiganian (I perferred Michigander)
 
BinMichigan,

It is not uncommen for things to get worse before they get better. But everyone must do what they must do for what is best for them. Perhaps 'recovery' isn't right for you right now. It is a timing issue, and we must all do what is right for us, when it is right for us. I wish you well and good luck.

Leosha
 
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