Where to begin.... ***Possible triggers***

DrDave

Registrant
I'm completely new to forums and chat rooms so if I make a mistake I hope you'll forgive me.

I didnt even realize I had been abused until I read an article online, and it had suggested this group. So I contacted the male survivors group, and here I am.

Parts of my life reads like a porn story on some website. I'm not sure if its because my aunt really was that kinky, or if she intended for it to be that way to make it seem less believable if I did tell anyone.... Besides, who would I tell? My father was almost never around and my mother had mental issues so anything I'd tell her would have simply been dismissed. So that left my aunt relatively safe to play her games.

I call them games because to her thats what they were... Games... Little competitions. While we never actually had sex, the games were most definitely sexual in nature.

I'm not even sure where to begin. The abuse happened so many times over the years, how do I pick out just one story.... Or if I tell many which one first?

I guess I'll start with the one that happened the most frequently.

This started about the time I was 8 years old and continued until my mother decided I no longer needed a babysitter. My aunt was the only babysitter I've ever had. She was my mother's younger sister and from the outside she seemed like the ideal woman..... Refined and proper, well educated, very classy. Behind closed doors however was another matter.

One of my aunt's favorite games was one of endurance.... "How long can you handle it?" The game went like this: My aunt would hold me down and kiss me... deeply and passionately.... Over and over again until I had a raging hard erection. Then she would tickle me without mercy until the erection went away.... Only to start the whole thing all over again. This would continue until I finally couldnt handle it any more and had to run to the bathroom to get away from her.... Once I hit puberty however, the game changed a little. It became..... "How long can I do this to him before he has an orgasm?" Once I had an orgasm, the game was over, and I'd lost.

What made this game so diabolical was that... while the tickling was torture, the kissing was wonderful, and sweet, and filled with her telling me she loved me.

As a result by the time I was 11 years old I was madly in love with my 45 year old aunt.... Or at least I thought I was.

She played this game with me every time we were together. There were many other games, of course, but this always seemed to be her favorite.

This game of hers did have one lingering side effect however. Somehow, it's gotten slightly twisted in my mind to the point that, even though I'm 50 years old now, to this day I still get an erection from being tickled.

There are more stories of abuse to come.

DrDave
 
Certainly makes sense that being tickled would lead to arousal, considering the way you were conditioned.

I'm sorry you went through that .... It sounds incredibly confusing for you as a child, and even now too. Welcome to the forums.
 

DrDave

Registrant
Here in this group, this is the first time I've really completely opened up about this. I wasn't expecting to be filled with so many different feelings afterwards.... More than anything though, I have questions: "Has she done this before?" "What caused this behavior?" And others
 
Hi DrDave

Welcome to MS sorry for what has brought you here. I am glad you were able to reach out here and share some of your story. I can imagine you have many questions, there are others here with similar experiences. Opening up and letting the truth come out of hiding is helpful. No pressure to share here share as you feel comfortable, lots of reading around this site.

Take good care
 

Ceremony

Moderator
Staff member
Hello Dr. Dave, When I read about men sharing their female perp stories, one of the first things I hear in my my thoughts are others from the past who thought any contact with a woman/female was to be considered some kind of positive experience. Women have long gotten away with sexually abusing boys and even men because there's a mentality in society as a whole that it's not that big a deal.

We know it is a big deal. In fact, there's long been advocacy to change mindsets within the advocacy community. It's taking hold with many I've interacted, but it's still a major uphill climb toward men being recognized as victims of female abuse and assault.

The story of your aunt, no matter how many there are, fill me with the sadness of knowing another boy lived through the abuse of another trusted family member who got away with it. It's not the child's, nor adults fault in any way that the person gets away with it. It's complex and it's never OK to blame the victim.

The story of your aunt is what brings us all together her. We're in solidarity to validate the trauma and to sort it out. I know how confusing any of this can be, and I had to spend some time to sort some of the things I went through.

I'm living with a woman who does some emotionally damaging things, and I know how confusing my situation is. I'm dealing with it the best I can and have taken steps. The way I have been hurt by my wife all these decades makes me particularly aware of men who need help. I know the system in my area, and have made plans to use what resources there are if it came to that. Men are looked over, we're thought of last, and are mentioned, though the systemic issue is that we're ignored. There's no funding to realize change for us, we're still at this level, here at MS and some other. This is a good place to find what resonates and helps sort through the damage done.

I think your aunt was awful and I'm sorry you went through that.
 
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