where to begin....maybe triggering???

where to begin....maybe triggering???
M

martin

Registrant
There is just so much sh*t going on in my life right now i don't know where to begin cleaning it up. I feel like I'm going to be buried in it.

There is trying to make a start of dealing with my past.

The sexual harrassment--I was/am the harrassee--shit at work and the mountain of attendant BS that accompanies it--alienation, denial, retaliation. Already no one even talks to me.

Aside from those troubles--or partly because of them--my recent job performance has been crap and am sure that i will be fired soon

My car is for shit, i have no money or credit to replace it--may not seem like a big deal but its huge

no car, no way to work, no job

My step grandfather is dieing can't drive to see him.

I'm sure my family will remain indignant and aloof feeling i abandoned them

the professional org that i just became treasurer of is in financial trouble

I need help but don't know who to ask or how to ask.

I'm alone, i know you say i'm not, but i am!

My mind swims from all the thoughts of all the ways that I caused this. Everything is turning to sh*t.

So many times thoughts like "I'm a worthless piece of sh*t and should probably just end it" go through my head. I won't do that but have the thoughts.

I'm ashamed of myself for even writing this. But you guys are all i got. I don't know what else to do, how to fix this.

I know there are solutions but just can't see them.

Struggling just to hold to the few scraps of dignity and self respect i have left.

I'm tired and just need a break.

aaron
 
Aaron,

Wow, I'm sorry to hear how bad things are lately. How about if you write down the things you have to deal with, starting with the list here, and then go over them one at a time, and decide whether you can do something about each, one at a time? Some you can't do anything about, and worrying about those is a waste of good worry. Some may be linked back to some other, e.g., some problems might be linked back to the car trouble. Those links might help you prioritize your approach, who gets your attention.

When it comes to the need to vent, bring it on down here. Collectively we have lots of eyes, "the better to read your words."

If you decide to make a list, include finding 20 minutes a day to relax, unwind. Guessing from your sig, maybe listen to some Beethoven. But if you have all this coming down on you now, you need a way to get some good into each day. So schedule it in and stick to that schedule.

Some ideas. Take what you like, etc. I hope you get to feeling better, because you deserve it.

Joe
 
Aaron, thanks for honoring us with your grief today.

So many times in life I have felt overwhelmed by some situation, or some need, pain, whatever. The hardest part of that is that at times, we need to walk that journey alone. Others can attempt to be supportive, but the walk that seems too much like a walk of a starless night, is something we do alone.

That is difficult, but in the end, we are stronger, and the victory is all ours.

Can you try to separate some things out, sort of prioritize then. Can you not worry about the car for a day; can you realise that the professional group will either make it or it won't. But it won't be your fault, nor even that of the Board, if it does not.

When too many bees are buzzing around my head I try to find a way to get most of them to go elsewhere. They may come back, but in the meantime, I have had time to think about how I will deal with them.

Aaron, if you need a break take one. Make it a good break though. Set the worries aside as best you can, and do something that has a track record for making you delighted. We all have a few of those things.
I can get immersed in classical music, the theater, college sports, and now also high school sports. I enjoy these things, they take my mind off the feeling of having to be a messiah. Sometimes, a good friend can be fun to be with, especially old classmates that you have memories you can share.

You are in my thoughts. I know you feel profoundly alone. You are in a sense. But, you know lots of us here, stand ready to just be, if that is best for you.

Bob
 
Hey Aaron,

So sorry you're feeling so low.

If it would help at all, I'd like to give you a big ole Texas size bearhug (very safe, and only with your permission.)

))))))))((((((((((((AARON))))))))))(((((((((

You are most definitely in my thoughts and my prayers, brother. I have a very small prayer I say for people like my niece, Caroline 2 and a half years old, special friends like you and other guys here. If you don't mind I'll say it tonight for you.

It's really for people who don't deserve to have any bad stuff happen to them. That's why I include you.

So, a hug, a prayer, some friendship, a bunch of compassion, lots of reassurance that you really aren't alone though it surely feels that way at times and the promise that you never have to go through the tough stuff in life alone ever again; that's about all that I can offer you right now.

Hang in there, buddy. You're in the right place. You are asking for help. You will feel better. And life will continue to take on wonderful new meaning for you.

I know, because that is what is happening to me.

And I know it can happen for you too.

Please keep posting. Give me a PM if you'd like. I care and lots of others here do too.

You will be healed. you were meant to be solid and whole and you will be.

Thanks, Aaron.

Your brother,
 
Aaron:

So many times thoughts like "I'm a worthless piece of sh*t and should probably just end it" go through my head. I won't do that but have the thoughts.

I'm ashamed of myself for even writing this. But you guys are all i got. I don't know what else to do, how to fix this.
Click to expand...
Know the feeling brother. KNow it real well. But we are not worthless pieces of shit at all. Never have been. We endured something that not one of us asked for. And by god we are survivors.
Ending it is not the answer. Dont even think of it. That is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. OK!!!!!!

Now you got a whole lot of sh*t to deal with. Well Aaron do it one thing at a time. Get your work in order maybe. Phone your family and tell them about the car. Phone your stepgrandfather and tell him you love him. And tell him why. Just tackle them one thing at a time. And like the other guys all say save some time for yourself because you are the most important person in the whole thing.

Big CANUCK HUG ((((((((((((((((AARON))))))))))))))
 
Dear Aaron,

I get a sense from your post that you are in one hell of a terrifying place. The voices,the looming angry faces, the pointed fingers of blame, relentlessly coming from all directions. On top of it all, it seems you feel like a big fat zero, blaming yourself for being at fault for all of it. What a nightmare brother. I feel for you, boy do I ever.

You have a lot on your plate. I am referencing a post of yours from another forum. I hope you don't mind my bringing it here:

  • study for the CPA exam,
  • get references for my CPA app,
  • my car is falling apart
  • i don't have the money to fix it or credit to get a loan,
  • just started as treasurer at an accounting org and its our busiest time of year
  • crap with parents and family
  • no friends
  • trouble sleeping
  • ....and on and on...

Look at all that stress! Is it any wonder you are feeling so swamped?

Aaron, in all of this what is important? You need a job fer sure, so maybe that should become a priority? I mean the CPA exam and the stress that goes with getting the app together can be put on hold maybe till the smoke clears? I know you want to create a more positive environment for yourself to breathe in? Fear of losing a job is one of the highest stressors in a person's life.

The treasurer work you do: seems to me that since you just started, it can't possibly be your fault. You have not been at it long enough to screw them up that bad!? That is burden that is not yours to carry.

The stuff with the family, that's not yours either. Draw boundaries with them without closing any doors.

No friends, find a place that resonates with one of your interests and volunteer there. That is the only thing that saved me from going totally bonkers when I moved alone to MN

Trouble sleeping: once again, with all the pressure you have right now, I think the only solution is to discern what is absolutely necessary for your survival.

Can you reduce your cost of living and save a little to help you in the long run? I moved into a studio apartment while I go to school, and that has reduced a lot of stress in my life, and somewhat sequestered me so that I can think about what is really important for me.

There is no shame in not having a car temporarily [or permanently, for that matter]. Take the bus, ride a bike. Reduce the cost of transportation, insurance, gas, until you get yourself financially stable.

I am just grabbing at straws here buddy, but this is what is coming to my mind for you. I am not sure if any of it is relevant to your life, but even if it can't apply at least I want you to think about the fact that I care about your well-being.

It is really hard when we get into a manic state over stress, to visualize solutions. But they are there. There is plenty to go around for everyone.

You are so vulnerable right now, and you have opened up you life to deal with what happened to you as a result of your SA experinces. There SHOULD be a place where all survivors can go to recover. A nice type of funny farm that is cost free, where attendants come and wait on us hand and foot, fan us with elephant palm leaves, give us manicures, soak us in hot baths. But unfortunately, not only do we have to continue to live in a less than perfect world, we have to deal with what lives between our ears, and we have to do it alone if we don't seek help.

I pray for your highest and best my little brother. Keep us close as you slog through the crap.

Ron
 
Aaron,

Hi, Aaron, it's David.

I hear your words.

I feel your frustration.

And, I read the good words of your brothers.

And brothers we are, Aaron, and you're one of the more gentle, more caring brothers, here. We haven't gotten to that point yet, where we might lend a newer car for a few weeks, or extend an invitation for a relaxing weekend, or provide a place to stay while you save up some money to fix your automobile, but we are here with those thoughts and from what I've read, some good advice.

Breaking it down into parts, prioritizing and making phone calls, for the time being, to those whom you love, all sound like positive approaches to the sticky problems with which you have to deal.

I join my prayer top Danny's, and with the other bothers, please accept my hug, as well.

(((((((((((((((((((((Aaron)))))))))))))))))))))

David
 
Aaron
I don't know what your solutions are unfortunately, but I would try and deal with one thing at a time - if possible.
But things don't always work out that way I know.

I just wish I could come and fix you car for you, accounts I can't do.
But maybe there's an amateur, enthusiast, by you who could do some work on your car without you paying skilled rates ?

People are generally more helpful than we sometimes believe.

Dave
 
Thanks guys,

Your thoughts and prayers have helped, I really do see that I'm not alone. I feel that you guys are with me.

Sorry it took so long to get back to this, having computer problems at home. Will post more when I get the chance.

Thanks again so much for your support!!!!

Peace, your brother,

Aaron
 
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