where is the courage?????
where is the courage?????
- Thread startermichaelb
- Start date
James_dup1
Registrant
Michael,
I think you comming here and posting what you did takes more courage than all the pill bottles in the world. ((((((hugs to maybe help easy your pain)))))))
James
I think you comming here and posting what you did takes more courage than all the pill bottles in the world. ((((((hugs to maybe help easy your pain)))))))
James
James_dup1
Registrant
Sorry just thought about this. Brian posted this a while back and I book marked it. ty brian. Read it it's very good.
https://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
James
https://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
James
Michael,
You want courage? I know where you can find the kind of courage that most people never dream of finding.
Look in the mirror. The man who can live through what you have lived through, and continue living, pushing for a better life, facing demons and terror and struggling on, that man is a man of courage.
Please do whatever you have to do to take good care of that man and protect his health. Every time you make it one more step, you get a little bit stronger. I'll bet that's tiring, too, because I know my own recovery can be so very tiring. I know how I want it all to go away sometimes, and I think I'd do anything, absolutely anything, to make it go away. But like you, I have gotten through those times so far. In my case it's been luck, stubborness, a tiny spark of hope kept alive by people who care, and God's grace that got me through this far. There are things in the world worth living for, worth fighting to have. Have faith that your own courage and strength are with you now. We will be here to hear if you want someone to nurture the spark of hope. Vent if you need to vent.
Hang in there. Keep going. You're worth it.
Joe
You want courage? I know where you can find the kind of courage that most people never dream of finding.
Look in the mirror. The man who can live through what you have lived through, and continue living, pushing for a better life, facing demons and terror and struggling on, that man is a man of courage.
Please do whatever you have to do to take good care of that man and protect his health. Every time you make it one more step, you get a little bit stronger. I'll bet that's tiring, too, because I know my own recovery can be so very tiring. I know how I want it all to go away sometimes, and I think I'd do anything, absolutely anything, to make it go away. But like you, I have gotten through those times so far. In my case it's been luck, stubborness, a tiny spark of hope kept alive by people who care, and God's grace that got me through this far. There are things in the world worth living for, worth fighting to have. Have faith that your own courage and strength are with you now. We will be here to hear if you want someone to nurture the spark of hope. Vent if you need to vent.
Hang in there. Keep going. You're worth it.
Joe
i'm worth nothing.......
the pain may be less for short periods of time, but i always find myself back at this place in my mind, where i know ending things is my only solution.....i tried therapy, i tried pills, i tried talking to people here.......but the truth of the matter is, i have been dead inside for a very long time and no matter how hard i try, i am unable to bring myself back to life.....ending my life is no big deal, it ended a very long time ago......i just need to end the pain and suffering, because i keep struggling, even though i have absolutely no reason to continue.....NONE........
i just need this to end.......i need my body to stop functioning......my soul stopped long ago......michael
the pain may be less for short periods of time, but i always find myself back at this place in my mind, where i know ending things is my only solution.....i tried therapy, i tried pills, i tried talking to people here.......but the truth of the matter is, i have been dead inside for a very long time and no matter how hard i try, i am unable to bring myself back to life.....ending my life is no big deal, it ended a very long time ago......i just need to end the pain and suffering, because i keep struggling, even though i have absolutely no reason to continue.....NONE........
i just need this to end.......i need my body to stop functioning......my soul stopped long ago......michael
Michael,Originally posted by michaelb:
why can't i be couragous enough to end things????? i cannot believe i'm even a failure at ending my life/pain.....
I'm so glad you are posting again. I was terribly afraid for you. I'm glad you're alive. You didn't fail; you succeeded in preventing yourself from dying. You are extremely brave. It takes a lot of courage to live. I'm here because my daughter made me promise not to commit suicide. And I will not because it would ruin her life. I have no right to ruin anyone's life. Michael, the last time you posted before yesterday you said that you had gotten a part-time job. What has happened with that? A job can be a lifesaver because it will take your mind off yourself for awhile, at least. Please get a good T. There must be some in your area. I wish you every blessing and all hope.
Mary
integrator
Registrant
Michael, I tell you, man. I know exactly what you mean. First, thank you everybody for your excellent support and comments.
I mean, I'm 38 and stilling living at home with mom, and unemployed and deeply in debt, and my wife just separated from me. My strongest feelings about ending things were years ago, but I can't say I don't feel like I'm in a vice grip, and man, wouldn't it be nice to just. . . .
End it all.
Well, support groups give me hope. John Bradshaw's inner child work, too. I look at it and get the opportunity to get angry and imagine protecting my inner child. It seems like no one else has offered me this, except maybe Jackie Chan's example in the movies. Man, he's such a good guy, I know he would have helped me out when I was helpless. And I can imagine myself doing it for myself. Other heroes, too, like James Bond, or other good guys, maybe Joe Torre, the manager of a baseball team, or Mark McGwire, who has given a bunch of cash to support sex abuse treatment.
The rock group Creed has a great song on their album "Human Clay" about a girl's trouble with this stuff. Man, and I like sports, I like music.
I look around me, too, and I see other people that look like they've gotten the shaft. Hell, I'm not alone. Then yesterday I get an inspiration. Here I am in a job search, and "click", a few college websites, and some continuing education options open up. Affordable, practical, and there I go again. I feel like I'm in a Robin Williams movie, or Trading Places. Ever see that one? How Dan Akroyd's prim character gets royally screwed by his bosses? Eddie Murphy's character, too. It is one funny and inspiring flick.
So, get angry, or get inspired. Keep coming back, and keep trying. If we're going to die before our time, it'll happen all too soon. Meantime, there's the opportunity to prove just how wrong they are.
Take care and blessings. May pain, fear, shame, and loneliness find their home and welcome the love that brings health, wealth, happiness, and success.
best,
integrator
I mean, I'm 38 and stilling living at home with mom, and unemployed and deeply in debt, and my wife just separated from me. My strongest feelings about ending things were years ago, but I can't say I don't feel like I'm in a vice grip, and man, wouldn't it be nice to just. . . .
End it all.
Well, support groups give me hope. John Bradshaw's inner child work, too. I look at it and get the opportunity to get angry and imagine protecting my inner child. It seems like no one else has offered me this, except maybe Jackie Chan's example in the movies. Man, he's such a good guy, I know he would have helped me out when I was helpless. And I can imagine myself doing it for myself. Other heroes, too, like James Bond, or other good guys, maybe Joe Torre, the manager of a baseball team, or Mark McGwire, who has given a bunch of cash to support sex abuse treatment.
The rock group Creed has a great song on their album "Human Clay" about a girl's trouble with this stuff. Man, and I like sports, I like music.
I look around me, too, and I see other people that look like they've gotten the shaft. Hell, I'm not alone. Then yesterday I get an inspiration. Here I am in a job search, and "click", a few college websites, and some continuing education options open up. Affordable, practical, and there I go again. I feel like I'm in a Robin Williams movie, or Trading Places. Ever see that one? How Dan Akroyd's prim character gets royally screwed by his bosses? Eddie Murphy's character, too. It is one funny and inspiring flick.
So, get angry, or get inspired. Keep coming back, and keep trying. If we're going to die before our time, it'll happen all too soon. Meantime, there's the opportunity to prove just how wrong they are.
Take care and blessings. May pain, fear, shame, and loneliness find their home and welcome the love that brings health, wealth, happiness, and success.
best,
integrator
thank you for your support, i wish i was worth it......but alas, i am not.....
in many ways i think my part-time job has made things worse for me because it reminds me constantly of my failure in life......here i am, a fairly intelligent educated person working a menial mindless job for barely over minimum wage.......plus i have this old co-worker who keeps trying to tell me what to do, though he has absolutely no authority over me, if you discount his constant ass kissing of our boss......plus the inconsiderate jerk smokes in the car and locks my window so i cannot get fresh air, but am forced to breath his smoke.......i have always avoided bars, because i dislike smelling smoke....
SO A JOB IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?????????/ it has done exactly the opposite by reiforcing what a loser i am to myself......
i'm working intently on being mentally strong enough to do what i should have done a very long time ago------making everything stop................
in many ways i think my part-time job has made things worse for me because it reminds me constantly of my failure in life......here i am, a fairly intelligent educated person working a menial mindless job for barely over minimum wage.......plus i have this old co-worker who keeps trying to tell me what to do, though he has absolutely no authority over me, if you discount his constant ass kissing of our boss......plus the inconsiderate jerk smokes in the car and locks my window so i cannot get fresh air, but am forced to breath his smoke.......i have always avoided bars, because i dislike smelling smoke....
SO A JOB IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?????????/ it has done exactly the opposite by reiforcing what a loser i am to myself......
i'm working intently on being mentally strong enough to do what i should have done a very long time ago------making everything stop................
integrator
Registrant
Jeez, things sound pretty grim, guy. I remember when I was still flush with the first recollections of my infancy "moment"; that time when I wasn't treated so well as an infant. I had "suicidal ideations" in a big way. I walked to a pier at least once.
Still, it is my anger that I must credit for keeping me alive. Somewhere in me was the realization that I hadn't deserved my treatment, and that I hadn't perpetrated this condition on myself. While it all seems lost in a haze in the past, nevertheless, now is the time.
Last night I met a guy from a support group for the third night in a row, completely by coincidence. Personally, it is my belief that the role of a higher purpose is at play. I've had a good rapport with the guy, and had the chance to talk about recent developments in my recovery.
He is serious enough about his own recovery that I was able to share about my frustrations at the level of support shown me so far in my life and circles. I'm getting stronger and more comfortable with myself the more I can talk about it. No matter how bizarre the circumstances of my abuse, the question for me is, "What do I need to do to heal it, to heal myself? To empower myself? I may be angry at people, bitter, resentful.
I am recognizing the need to feel these things, to think these thoughts, and giving myself a chance to be myself. Some nurse was hired by my parents to help take care of me, and abused that responsibility. She touched me inappropriately, and said inappropriate things. She may have even seen this as part of her own religious ceremony. Perverted, depraved, or whatever. I deserved and deserve to be protected, to be reassured and comforted, then when I was an infant, and now that I am an adult. The same for when I was attacked and molested a few years later as a child.
My parents didn't support me adequately, my growth as an individual, my needs as a personality, to express my hurts and to encourage and nurture my healthy qualities.
I am as tough, as healthy, as cute, as alert, as feeling, as present as any football player, all-American, drama king, homecoming, most likely to succeed guy was and might be today, to use high school thinking. Something was stolen from me, but I know that I have it all, all the resources necessary to be whole, happy, and balanced. Last night I cried, a grown man crying, that was me. Jackie Chan, Al Franken as Stuart Smalley, Analyze This with Billy Crystal and Robert DeNiro, The Fisher King with Robin Williams.
Michael, you sound pretty down and out. Nevertheless, I have know how it feels to be like that, and actually don't feel too much better than that oftentimes. I'm finding my way through the cracks to the sunshine, tears, and itches and scratches, however. I hope you do, too. It's all about learning to heal the hurt, feel the pain and pleasure, anger, sadness, frustration, loneliness, injustice, and justification for reestablishing your own successful grounds for accomplishment. After all, we're here talking honestly. We're practically deputized sheriffs, attorneys, and psychotherapists ourselves, after all!
Take care, be well, and hang in there with as much creativity and resourcefulness as you can muster.
Still, it is my anger that I must credit for keeping me alive. Somewhere in me was the realization that I hadn't deserved my treatment, and that I hadn't perpetrated this condition on myself. While it all seems lost in a haze in the past, nevertheless, now is the time.
Last night I met a guy from a support group for the third night in a row, completely by coincidence. Personally, it is my belief that the role of a higher purpose is at play. I've had a good rapport with the guy, and had the chance to talk about recent developments in my recovery.
He is serious enough about his own recovery that I was able to share about my frustrations at the level of support shown me so far in my life and circles. I'm getting stronger and more comfortable with myself the more I can talk about it. No matter how bizarre the circumstances of my abuse, the question for me is, "What do I need to do to heal it, to heal myself? To empower myself? I may be angry at people, bitter, resentful.
I am recognizing the need to feel these things, to think these thoughts, and giving myself a chance to be myself. Some nurse was hired by my parents to help take care of me, and abused that responsibility. She touched me inappropriately, and said inappropriate things. She may have even seen this as part of her own religious ceremony. Perverted, depraved, or whatever. I deserved and deserve to be protected, to be reassured and comforted, then when I was an infant, and now that I am an adult. The same for when I was attacked and molested a few years later as a child.
My parents didn't support me adequately, my growth as an individual, my needs as a personality, to express my hurts and to encourage and nurture my healthy qualities.
I am as tough, as healthy, as cute, as alert, as feeling, as present as any football player, all-American, drama king, homecoming, most likely to succeed guy was and might be today, to use high school thinking. Something was stolen from me, but I know that I have it all, all the resources necessary to be whole, happy, and balanced. Last night I cried, a grown man crying, that was me. Jackie Chan, Al Franken as Stuart Smalley, Analyze This with Billy Crystal and Robert DeNiro, The Fisher King with Robin Williams.
Michael, you sound pretty down and out. Nevertheless, I have know how it feels to be like that, and actually don't feel too much better than that oftentimes. I'm finding my way through the cracks to the sunshine, tears, and itches and scratches, however. I hope you do, too. It's all about learning to heal the hurt, feel the pain and pleasure, anger, sadness, frustration, loneliness, injustice, and justification for reestablishing your own successful grounds for accomplishment. After all, we're here talking honestly. We're practically deputized sheriffs, attorneys, and psychotherapists ourselves, after all!
Take care, be well, and hang in there with as much creativity and resourcefulness as you can muster.
I am grateful that you do not have that kind of 'courage'. To commit suicide, why is that? You are wishing relief of the pain you have here, yes? Do you not have to be alive to FEEL, including to feel such things as that relief? Just is my theory, please do not think I am yelling at you, this is somewhere I have felt before, and have seriously attempted before, and now am grateful it did not work.
On another thought. Does 'courage' exist without fear? Isn't 'courage' something that exists by facing what we fear? So, to run away of it, to give up of it, that would not be courage. That would be allowing our fear to end us. That would be allowing them to end us. I have done enough hurt at myself for them, I will not do that ultimate. I hope that you do not also.
Leosha
On another thought. Does 'courage' exist without fear? Isn't 'courage' something that exists by facing what we fear? So, to run away of it, to give up of it, that would not be courage. That would be allowing our fear to end us. That would be allowing them to end us. I have done enough hurt at myself for them, I will not do that ultimate. I hope that you do not also.
Leosha
This is a kind of courage you don't need, and in reality, does ending life really require courage? Or does living take the courage? I have felt this way, and at times still do, and have really tried, but I have decided that I have been hrt enough by them, and hurt myself becasue of them, but I will not let them win by me beoming just a memory. And I hope that you will choose to continue on, and use the real courage that is required to live.
Peace,
Fly
Peace,
Fly