Where I'm at- long, rambling
I only recently found this site. Not sure where to begin, maybe with where Im at? Im 38. I suffered SA from my mother, till I was 8 or 9, which I only just realized a couple of weeks ago. When I was 10 or 11 my second perp started grooming me, he was 14 or 15. Maybe Ill put that in a separate post.
I live alone in a tiny studio apartment. In the last 17 years Ive held a series of low paying dead end jobs, right now Ive been unemployed for 6 months. I havent had much confidence to look for work. I spend most of my time alone. Im depressed a lot of the time.
Ive never been in a relationship, never dated, never had sex with a woman, never kissed anyone, male or female. I only have a few friends, but no close friends, Ive never told anyone about my past. Im afraid to get close to people, to let my guard down. I thought I was gay for a long time, now maybe Im bi. I never came out, never felt any gay pride. In my late 20s I experimented with anonymous sex, cruising the campus library. Every three or four months Id have a brief encounter, a hand-job is the crude term, a few times I tried oral. Id feel shame and self-loathing after. About 3 years ago I discovered I had herpes, both genital and oral, and went into an even deeper depression. I havent had any kind of sexual contact since then.
I have a fear of intimacy, of being vulnerable. I cant handle people who try to control me, when I feel like someone is trying to manipulate me I get freaked out.
I dont know how to give receive hugs, or any kind of friendly physical contact. I misinterpret it, either it feels like a violation and it creeps me out, or if its someone Im attracted to, I think maybe it means more than it does.
In high school and college Id have these huge crushes on my friends, but I never said anything, didnt share my feelings. Except sometimes Id be way too needy and theyd pull away.
I tried therapy for a short time in college, it was free at the student health center and my family didnt have to know. The therapist was trying to get me to work toward coming out, but I didnt feel ready to be that open. At the first meeting I told him Id been celibate for the past several years. He kind of smiled, acted surprised, oh really? that bothered me. I think I went 8 or 9 times, then spring term ended. We didnt discuss my abuse. I didnt resume in the fall. Later I saw him coming out of campus library mens room. We exchanged a couple of sentences, I dont remember. Sometimes I see him around town and ignore him.
When I was 21 or 22 I found myself attracted to one of my friends girlfriends, which confused me. I had a crush on her. She was a very grounded person, very supportive, empathetic (is that a word?) attractive, and funny. Most of the time I have a negative reaction to female affection, but not with her, though a hug is all we ever shared. She finished school, left for grad school with her boyfriend.
My parents are like the parents on the tv show Everybdy Loves Raymond, except theyre not funny. Overbearing controlling mom, spineless emotionally distant father. I have an older brother, most of my childhood memories are of him tormenting me, beating me up, berating me. Hes a successful republican business owner now, I talk to him as little as possible.
Reading this over I seem pretty pathetic, I guess I live in denial most of the time. I posted in this forum mostly because I wanted more people to read it. Ill probably put future postings in the Gay forum, though it doesnt seem to be visited that much.
Thanks for reading my rambling post,
-Eric
I live alone in a tiny studio apartment. In the last 17 years Ive held a series of low paying dead end jobs, right now Ive been unemployed for 6 months. I havent had much confidence to look for work. I spend most of my time alone. Im depressed a lot of the time.
Ive never been in a relationship, never dated, never had sex with a woman, never kissed anyone, male or female. I only have a few friends, but no close friends, Ive never told anyone about my past. Im afraid to get close to people, to let my guard down. I thought I was gay for a long time, now maybe Im bi. I never came out, never felt any gay pride. In my late 20s I experimented with anonymous sex, cruising the campus library. Every three or four months Id have a brief encounter, a hand-job is the crude term, a few times I tried oral. Id feel shame and self-loathing after. About 3 years ago I discovered I had herpes, both genital and oral, and went into an even deeper depression. I havent had any kind of sexual contact since then.
I have a fear of intimacy, of being vulnerable. I cant handle people who try to control me, when I feel like someone is trying to manipulate me I get freaked out.
I dont know how to give receive hugs, or any kind of friendly physical contact. I misinterpret it, either it feels like a violation and it creeps me out, or if its someone Im attracted to, I think maybe it means more than it does.
In high school and college Id have these huge crushes on my friends, but I never said anything, didnt share my feelings. Except sometimes Id be way too needy and theyd pull away.
I tried therapy for a short time in college, it was free at the student health center and my family didnt have to know. The therapist was trying to get me to work toward coming out, but I didnt feel ready to be that open. At the first meeting I told him Id been celibate for the past several years. He kind of smiled, acted surprised, oh really? that bothered me. I think I went 8 or 9 times, then spring term ended. We didnt discuss my abuse. I didnt resume in the fall. Later I saw him coming out of campus library mens room. We exchanged a couple of sentences, I dont remember. Sometimes I see him around town and ignore him.
When I was 21 or 22 I found myself attracted to one of my friends girlfriends, which confused me. I had a crush on her. She was a very grounded person, very supportive, empathetic (is that a word?) attractive, and funny. Most of the time I have a negative reaction to female affection, but not with her, though a hug is all we ever shared. She finished school, left for grad school with her boyfriend.
My parents are like the parents on the tv show Everybdy Loves Raymond, except theyre not funny. Overbearing controlling mom, spineless emotionally distant father. I have an older brother, most of my childhood memories are of him tormenting me, beating me up, berating me. Hes a successful republican business owner now, I talk to him as little as possible.
Reading this over I seem pretty pathetic, I guess I live in denial most of the time. I posted in this forum mostly because I wanted more people to read it. Ill probably put future postings in the Gay forum, though it doesnt seem to be visited that much.
Thanks for reading my rambling post,
-Eric