Where I was comming from

[Aden]

I was fine until my older stepbrother (my abuser) moved in to our house. He came to live with us because his mother couldnt handle his criminal behavior anymore. It wasnt long after that when I started having trouble socializing. By the time he had lived with us for a year I didnt have any real friends anymore and I was being molested on a regular basis.

It took less than a year for my childish self esteem to be stripped away and my innocense destroyed. In that time I learned that there was no one that I could trust. Friends are people that can hurt you. Alone is the safest place to be.

Once I was the most loving person! I trusted and loved everyone. I keep trying to get back to that person. But I am always disappointed. I have learned to cut and run as the best means of self protection.

Sometimes I just want to never come back here because you are not giving me all of the things that I want. But I try to understand that you will never be able to do that for me. So I come back.

I want so much to go back to that place where I was the child this man wants to be. A convoluted statement but with real meaning. I want to be with you guys like the kid I was, instead of the grumpy old man I have become. But I cant drop my defenses so easily. Most of you know what I mean. Your understanding helps. But I just dont seem to be able to get past my fears of rejection. You havent rejected me (or some of you havent) yet I am so afraid that you will. History repeats itself over and over again. This is my expectation. And somehow I seem to always make it come true.

Some blast of anger, some unthought commentary, some loss of control and you will be ready to let me go. If I allow myself to be just me, the real person that I am, you will be glad when I dont show up anymore.

That may not be true. I dont know. But that is what I believe. It is how I feel. It is my expectation. And it isnt how I want it to be.

Aden

 

[Dan88]

I think we can all get it when you talk about fear of rejection. I know I can.

I came to better understand this whole issue when I worked the 12-step recovery program. As I approached the stage of making amends, I was paralyzed. I'd made this huge friggin list of people I had wronged. (My sponsor was a bear for thoroughness.) And the prospect of apologizing and opening myself up to rejection had me knotted up. I very nearly quit recovery, and as it was it took me months to get ready to start.

But the astounding thing was that as I started down the list and began apologizing to people, I found that these things I had done didn't matter. Most people simply said they forgave me whatever I asked. It gave them the chance to let me know that they liked me (liked me, believe it or not). That's why they kept me in their lives, regardless of those occasions when I was rude or behaved poorly toward them.

After dreading the process, I said to my sponsor, I can't believe this. I'm telling these people what a shit I am, confessing and hoping for forgiveness, and these people are telling me how great I am. How do I make sense of this? He said I already had. That maybe the reason people think I'm a good guy is because I am.

So isn't that the case with you? People read what you say and respond because they value you and your contributions. I know it's hard to accept, after internalizing all the negative shit. But that little kid that was you long ago would not fill himself with doubt and create these defenses because he understood that he was a pretty good guy. Well, nothing's changed in that regard, so relax and believe it.

 

[Bill_1965]

Aden,

Only you know the truth that resonates from within you. As you dredge up all the unpleasant memories and feelings, the truth comes together and the real you is uncovered.

Cut and run, in principle is a good technique. Something that shouldnt be disregarded. In practice, however we tend to overuse it. At the first sight of something that may be construed as becoming a threat, off we go.

I will spend hours in the woods, just watching a tree or the animals and how they act. Im equating the tendency to cut and run to a deer. A deer will peacefully wonder and feed when it doesnt sense a threat, during this they will still pick there head up and look around, listen, and smell just to be sure. If they pick up a sense that something isnt quite right but cant determine it, they will continue to feed with some quick unsuspected snaps with their head. Some quick checks, still not knowing if something is there or not. If they get to where they spot something that could be a potential threat, but still not know if it is. They will look at it and test it. Flick their tail to see if they can get movement out of it. Stomp there feet to see if they can startle it. If the threat is to be real, they bolt out of there. If it appears that it is they will walk away, keeping an eye on it. Cut and run as it should be.

How we sometimes work the principle is to see the a tasty morsel and think, damn there must be a hunter there, run - run - run. Cut and run at its worse. Sure we are safe from that threat, real or not, but we didnt even give us a chance to savior that morsel.

We can have our wants and we can be safe having them. It takes a lot of work. But it is doable.

Take care,
Bill

 

[Leosha]

Originally posted by Aden:


Some blast of anger, some unthought commentary, some loss of control and you will be ready to let me go. If I allow myself to be just me, the real person that I am, you will be glad when I dont show up anymore.

Aden,

I can understand the feeling of fears of being rejected. I still feel that, not only here, not just with people I know here, but also with people I am around in 'real life' and such. So I do the 'pushaway' at times. And always am shocked when people do not run like crazy.

As for your words I quoted. I can not tell you how many times I have been a jackass here. And somehow, they keep let me back. I think you are safe here.

leosha