Where I Stand

Where I Stand
A

Aden

Registrant
One friend said he was feeling ignored. I didnt know what to say to that. So I didnt respond. Thing is, I was feeling the same way and had been tempted to make a similar post. But I read the things that were said to him and figured that I would be seen as a sycophant. I spent a lot of time as a child being ignored, so my reaction is not unreasonable. It is just how it works. When I feel most alone, someone else gets the attention.

A couple of threads I started were taken and mutated into someone elses ideas. And someone else got notice and credit and affirmation. Id love to have everyone pat me on the back and tell me what a wonderful person I am, every day. That isnt going to happen. Never has, never will. Ive gotten over it.

There have been days that I have addressed every new post. I stopped doing that when I saw how many threads ended on my post. Im not all that fond of having the last word.

When 32 people have made a comment, it is difficult for me to see how anything that I might say could be of further interest. How many time can you read about how sorry we are for the current situation of your life? Thirty two people have already said it. Will repeating it make you like me more?

I have a problem with social interactions. It stems from my childhood. It is OK for me to feel these things. Some of the things that I feel are actually based on reality. Some arent. It is hard for me to tell the difference.

Dealing with you guys, your opinions, your attitudes, your pain, your anger, your hope, your ignorance, your honesty...It is a difficult proposition. It is not something that I am hardwired for. These things are something that I have to learn. I have failed you, offended you, ignored you and tried to help you. I have tried to make friends and defuse disagreements. There is just not a damned thing that I can do here except be myself. That is a difficult thing to do considering all of the problems I have with positive socialization.

My T made me sign a contract and one of the clauses was that I would join a mutually beneficial therapy group. I thought that being here was honoring that contract. Anyone think differently?
Am I so full of crap that you dont care to hear anything else I have to say? Am I so insensitive to your feelings that you just want me to go away?

Look, I am not all that insecure. I am only going to give you what I have to give that will help to make me better. If making me better isnt a part of your program, then we will be on different roads.
Much as I would like to have the company of some of the good men that I have met here, I dont need you. It takes a lot of effort for me to do this. I do it for myself. And when the payback isnt equal to the output, the scales will tip.

Aden
 
Aden - I think you put a lot of pressure on yourself to give and give -

you put a lot of enerogy into your response and that is good -

it is ok to limit the number of responses to as amny as you want a need to -

i do need my brothers here - they saved my life -

sometimes i am lonely - and sometimes my posts are heard and responded to and sometimes they are not

but there is also the listening part -

and respnonding part -

i could not possibly hold my self to a legal standard of give and take here - i give in other ways with as much i can -

so find the happy medium for you -
to give in the way you can and want to give and
post your posts -
and mostly people will respond -

most definitely they will respond in the way that
THEY experience your post - just as that is the WAY YOU RESPOND -

does that make sense -?
 
Aden,

All you can do is be yourself! That is enough! We are all unique, and see things differently. That is what is so great about us being able to post our problems,ideas and solutions.

At times it may not seem that anyone is responding to your posts, but you don't know how you may have inspired someone, or helped someone. I know I am quilty of not thanking people for their help when I read their posts. I can't see them face to face and I somehow think it's not neccesary. Thanks for showing me that it is. Good advice is good advice whether you get it face to face from someone or read it on the message boards. It should be appreciated.

Ive read your posts before. They have always come across as caring and sincere. Don't worry if someone else gets credit for it, and continue to post. It helps YOU and the OTHERS in here.
 
As you say, there's a healthy selfishness to any kind of recovery activity, whether it's therapy or via a bulletin board or reading or whatever. I'm here too because of what I get out of it.

I like the fact that I can come here and try to cheer someone up or offer some advice on some part of recovering that I've already experienced. And I like it that there are others here, like you, who have different experiences and can shed light onto some area where I am still in the dark.

The only insight I can give on this topic is the TWYW and GWYW rules. Take what you want from all posters. If it's helpful use it. If not, discard it. And give what you want. If you have something to offer, then offer it. But don't feel guilty for not offering something.

Take care.
 
just to add to what Dan said - you need to take care of your nourishing first before you worry about anybody here -

you seem really responsible - just want to see you be more responsible to you than you are to this site

we will always be here and I will always want you to be here
and
happy about that -
 
Aden,

I'm sorry that you are feeling less then heard here. Honest, there still are times I will feel that way. Or maybe, not really ignored or not heard, but not understood. Of course, I think that is partly because I can not understand myself so much.

You said in your other post that you are kind of hampered by your schedule, work wise. I can understand that. It seems when most I need to 'talk' to someone, it is middle of night when no one is around. To work that schedule must be hard.

Only you can decide if this site is beneficial for you. I have read your posts, and some of your replies to people, and I think you have much to offer here, as an intelligent and thoughtful person. But I would hope that this place can offer you at least as much.

I hope that whatever choice you make is the one best for you. Please take care of yourself.

leosha
 
Thanks guys.

MarkG&B, I have read everything that you have posted since I have been here. I understand a lot of where you are comming from. I just don't know what to say. It makes me feel so small when someone like you is opening their soul and I don't know how to respond. Seriously, you feel like a dog but I am a dog. And if I put on pretty cloths I look like Bozo.

Aden
 
aden - my problem has been that i was deleted from having personal choices as a youth that i have been speaking on a really esoteric - LOST - level -

i though am now learning to "live on the surface"

and STAY IN THE PRESENT - which is a tough thing to learn to do -

but now i am actually happy and able to talk -

so you are not a dog but if you are -

then we are both gonna get a prize at the American Kennel Club! lol jk

xo

mark
 
Mark,

xo v. so

The heart of the onion is not lost. Its vibrent life is hardened as it grows outward. The spirit within remains fresh and open to the unknown emergance.

Give me a break! That was not a bad off the cuff quote from a part time guru.

The in and the out of our lives. A subject worthy of study.

Aden
 
Aden,
I realize how tough it is to feel like you are not being heard. In my family, if they wanted to really make a point of someone being bad, you would get the silent treatment or the threat of everyone was going to leave you. So the way I perceive things is not necessarily how they are but that doesn't mean I am right or wrong. It just means that this is where my current level of healing may be at.

I think everything anyone says up here is just as valid as the next. Even if you think everyone has already said it before. I sometimes don't read the responses before I post because if I did, I would think my post wouldn't be good enough. Do whatever you feel comfortable with and if you find yourself feeling like you are not worth enough to post, than try to challenge that thinking if you can and are able to at that point.

I wish there were the "number of views" on these posts because than at least it gives a person a sense of anyone reading them. And at times you may never know that a post you made may just have helped someone in the most dramatic way. Sometimes people share that and sometimes they don't, but I am finding that people are affected in serious ways by what we write.

Most of all, each one of us has to take care of ourselves in whatever manner we need to. If we don't feel like we are getting all there is for us, than we can take a moment and see if we can determine why and also challenege ourselves to maybe confront our fears in a safe environment (well as safe as the internet can be). Giving is great, but one of the hard things that I have had to learn is that receiving is also just as important as giving.

Don
 
Aden,

I don't know what to say, but instead of not posting, I will post to let you know that you are being heard.

I do know that it can very disheartening to put your heart on your sleeve and it not be responded to. Or have it taken over by another thought in an hijacked thread. It may feel like nobody is seeing or hearing, but you are heard.

Take care, keep talking, keep posting.

Bill
 
Aden

isn't it a fact that we were never heard?

For all those years, if I could have found this site as a kid, I would prob be a lot better for it than dealing alone with all the shit a kid doesn't need.

Maybe you did the same

I don't know

ste
 
Aden,

There is a two-edged sword when it comes to surviving abuse. One is that we feel that nobody sees, nobody hears, and we're alone. Ignored.

The other is that we feel that our ideas are worth nothing, that we're worth nothing, and even if it's to repeat what has been said before, we aren't worth repeating it.

We're wrong, you know. It's the stuff our Confederacy of @$$holez feed to us. As children, we believe it. As adults, we spend months and years and lifetimes trying to get rid of them.

The starting point is today. It may be today for a long time, but it's today.

If you feel ignored, if you feel angry, if you feel left out, dammit tell the world! Yell it, scream it, rail about it and tear your hair and nails out, because the longer this stuff is in you, the more it poisons you.

It's the same as these frigging secrets the @$$holes made us carry for THEM. You've taken so many important steps, my friend. Let's keep taking the steps because it's the only way we keep moving forward. It's the only way we keep on living.

I love you, my friend, and I don't throw away my love on the unworthy. As any of the brothers who know me here.

You need me, you PM me, okay? I HEAR you.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Aden.

You said above:

It makes me feel so small when someone like you is opening their soul and I don't know how to respond. Seriously, you feel like a dog but I am a dog. And if I put on pretty cloths I look like Bozo.
Click to expand...
A dog you ain't. You are a guy who, like the rest of us here, has suffered the stench and evil of abuse. But as a guy, and I see it in your posts, you are a caring and loving person. In that you are like a lovable dog who has an open heart to family. And you have a great big family here of brothers who walk with you on this path. You are never alone again Aden and when you feel safe you will open and peel the layers of the onion back and alow others in. It is not in our nature to do that and it takes time and trust. We are also caregivers and it is very unfortunate that we seem not to listen to our own voice when in comes to personal healing.

Aden just know that you are loved here like a brother in the truest sense.

((((((((((((((((((((ADEN)))))))))))))))))
 
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