Where I stand today

[DanielQ432]

I thought it was time for a fresh thread - today is a little better because yesterday was pretty tough, in therapy and later with my trainer.

I really "went there" with both of those guys - I just spilled out the worst of the worst of the worst of my dark thoughts, events that brought me here, etc. You would think after 3 years with each of them, they would have heard it all, and in one sense, absolutely nothing new was presented, but it also was important I acknowledged all of my truths, even if ugly truths.

I did help, because I think the only way to make progress is to unburden, and basically, this torrent of emotional sewage coming out of me is doing that. It's expelling the toxins.

I think a few things have shifted:

1) I specifically "went there" with this concept that I am an inhuman monster, an abomination to God, should be beaten and executed, deserve if nothing else to be cast out of society and left to die on the streets, or locked away forever in some institution. I also told them I wanted it known, for the record, that I have NOT DONE ANYTHING - that is important, I don't want anyone to misinterpret the source of my toxic shame and toxic guilt - it isn't my actions, it's my essence, being - I made some comment to one of them that hey, the cops don't need to search my yard for bodies in barrels or dig up my driveway looking for the bones of missing hookers or search my computer hard drives for illegal filth. That isn't me, it never was - my idea of being a hardcore, dangerous deviant lawbreaker - which utterly destroyed me emotionally, keep in mind - was getting a traffic ticket in 1994 for going 32 mph in a 25 mph zone - I couldn't handle doing anything seriously wrong, legally or morally, I'm too afflicted by the things I do I believe are wrong, even if they aren't.

 

[KMCINVA]

I am glad to hear you are doing better today. It is a roller coast ride and sometimes the climb to the top seems exhilarating while the ride down is deflating. I am hoping one day the slope down is far more gradual and not as steep as these past months.

I think you must have been distracted or are we to fill in 2)

Take care Daniel

Kevin

 

[DanielQ432]

No sorry, interrupted actually. I can manage a few moments of actual work now and then and go back to it, or I get a phone call or a question from someone in the office.

Well, that happened again, and I didn't have time or energy to get back to this thread.

So, here's the scoop with me.

I think something inside me broke over the past 48 hours, in the right way. I'm furious beyond belief. I'm at work this afternoon only because I absolutely have to be - I would be driving around really fast and listening to really, really loud alternative and rock if I had my way - Green Day, Imagine Dragons, U2, Fall Out Boy, etc. REALLY loud, like, give me a ticket loud. Like, shake the car loud.

I'm that pissed off.

 

[focusedbody]

DanielQ432:

Thank you for being genuine. Dark thoughts can make the light more obscure and the pain of feeling like a monster is a real one, even if the reality of acting like one is less so.

FB

 

[DanielQ432]

Hi guys. Yeah, I think this is the big breakthrough I have been seeking. Like I broke the backbone of the beast. I had a very good but very angry session with my therapist - not at him, he is awesome. had the first actual workout with my poor long-suffering trainer, who really heard the brunt of it Tuesday. He rolled out my quads and hamstrings on the massage table, then he had me do a mile for time on a stationary bike (2:46, about 22 mph) then we went outside and did a kettle bell/dumbell routine. Being away from the very busy workout floor where it was quiet really helped. I told him he was 1000% right about everything, and explsined how I want to move forward in everything, education, health/weight, training/sports, job, mental health, relationships, even sex/women (he laughed when I said I wanted to be a middle-aged stud ).

So yeah, I feel like big progress has come - but fear crept in just now - what if the dissociative part that is the creature in the dark pit comes back? I feel him in there, broken but not dead, and nursing his wounds.

I want him gone forever. This guy right here, rational/intellectal emotionally stable guy is running the show again - he knows what he has to do, but is afraid he isn't strong enough. I need to keep him nurtuted and strong. Unfortunately, I bristle at the mention of things like mindfulness because it takes me back to the partial hospital experience.

I know I need to learn how to keep him going without triggering myself about that.

Finally, last Sunday, when another wave of panic hit and I was really ready to give up the fight, I did a really stupid thing - understatement to the max, like saying Hiroshima was a little boom - I had 21 tablets Gleevec 400 mg from my current month's script. I popped them out of the blister pack and flushed them. That was stupid - big time. That flush was $7,419 worth of medication into the regional sewage system, eventually to travel to the Great Lakes. Maybe I saved some sewer rat with some myeoproliferative disorder. I need to contaci my Dr - lie or tell the truth - she does know about my psych issues, but ... should I cover my ass and say I had them in a backpack I lost or was stolen? Yikes - if it was like 10 pills I'd say screw it, it is a drug that works over a time scale of years - but 3 weeks is pushing it, probably not for my bone marrow but in terms of start symptoms.

 

[Ceremony]

Hi Daniel, I can see the nurture part of your post, and understand what you mean referring to "bristle". I've been through two inpatient scenarios, one very unsatisfactory. I'm seeing for me, how I am finally on the other side of doing just talk therapy and it's so refreshing, I'm finally fully seeing what my therapist is working on. It's that, she's actually doing something, being proactive, and it's so wonderful. There is where I am finding some of my motivation, that there's some small good in my life, and I can hope for some eventual new self nurturing.

She's told me it is now my homework to practice more senses and breathing calming, or any other that I read and like will be good too. The homework to nurture me to adulthood and lessen the impacts of my physical and mental reactions to emotions is hard work for me. I'm supposed to build up experiences, to give some small gains that add up. It's understood, and hard to accomplish at this early stage. I don't really know if that changes? The internal dialogue is very difficult.

I've not had much time to think about your prescription predicament, but my own take were I to need to fix that problem, is to tell my doc the truth of my panic. Panic attacks are real, and a severe one can lead to reactions as dire as happened to you.

The insurance company is the problem, they're the one's who will not be understanding, nor compromising?? I don't trust insurance companies. They don't have the real experience and training of a doctor, and yet it's their role to determine need?! An abominable system. I'm unsure how to work the two, and they both seem like it's possible they'll come into play. My pharmacy always gets approval via the insurance guidelines and if a red flag goes up about the timing of a replacement prescription, then the insurance company becomes the obstacle. I mean, I can't get some renewal unless I'm down to a certain number of pills, but, that prescription is life saving in my opinion, so it seems there might be over-ruling circumstances??

I highly recommend avoiding any reference to theft. I'm unsure how I could maintain statements of them having been lost either?? That is in essence what happened, but, unfortunately, you know where they were lost....

 

[DanielQ432]

Well, this isn't a legal dilema per se, just moral. I will probably just say screw it. I'm probably much more tolerant than I was years ago, my body "knows" this drug.