where I am (TRIGGERS)
Hi, guys.
I have been away for a while. To tell you the truth I don't even remember if it has been just a couple of weeks or more than a month. So much is happening in my life that it is hard to keep track of time.
It seems that all of a sudden my "healing process" got to a new stage, I don't know exactly how to explain. On one hand, new terrible realities have been uncovered to me and I have discovered new aspects of my SA experience, sad aspects. On the other hand it seems that I am doing better in general. I start to feel more empowered, less sad and depressed, still dealing with difficult issues but somehow able to be genuinely happy at the same time.
I will start with the bad news; please beware of triggers. About two months ago (or more) I had a very strange dream. I was at home in what seemed to be my mother's bedroom. I get up to go to the toilet an my eldest brother (20 years older) is there. He seems to be drunk. (he still is an alcoholic) He says: "so, here you are" and hugs me. At first I think this is just a hug and I am okay with it but then he turns me around and I feel he is putting something up my anus. I start to say "no, no, no, stop" but he holds me violently and continues. In my sleep I can feel like I am being ripped, like my anus is expanding, dilating. At this point I wake up crying and feeling miserable. The weirdest thing was that the physical feeling was still there. I was awake but I felt like something was inside me. It did not hurt but it was a clear sensation of my anus being dilated, and the sensation lingered for a few minutes.
I was feeling devasted by that dream and a thousand questions started to run through my mind. Was that a dream, was it fiction created by my mind or was it a memory? Have any of you had any experience like that? I have been struggling with this question. In the end I understand that I might not ever know if it was a memory or not. But perhaps it explained why I have NEVER felt too confortable around this brother. We have a good relationship but every time he hugs me, I feel unconfortable. And I am a person that likes hugs and has no problems with being hugged by male or female friends. I also remember that one of my oldest memories is of me hiding from this brother under the piano at home. Why I was hiding from him I never knew, but this memory has been with me since I can remember.
This dream indicated to me that perhaps I was abused by more than one of my brothers (as I have mentioned here before, my memories of abuse involved another older brother (7 years older)). I am also starting to believe that the SA started when I was two years-old. The new "findings" are also confirming for me that SA is not only "my problem" but I am starting to believe that it is affecting more people in my family. I am almost sure that nephews and nieces are also victims of SA. And I feel I need to do something about it and protect the new generations.
That is when the good news begins. If on one hand I am pretty angry and sad and desolate with the new dimension that the problem is taking, on the other I started to feel empowered to deal with it. I am starting to feel that I need to and that I can take a serious attitude towards the SA and do something to break its perverse cycle in my family. I am scared about that but at the same time I feel that I need to do something and that I will succeed. It will be painful, it will be a slow process, and i don't know when it will start, but I see it coming. It will still take a while as I amliving abroad at the moment but i will be moving back to my home country in about six months. I still don'tknow if I will go back and live in the same region where my family is, but in any case, I will soon see them all again.
My T says that I entering a phase of my treatment where I start to look outwardly; the problem doesn't seem to be so overwhelming at this point that I can only think about myself, but now I start to think about me in the world, and about others.
In the mean time, God works in His misterious ways... The eldest brother (of the dream) is having problems with wife and children because of alcohol abuse. My sister in law writes that she would like to come with him and visit me. I have invited them many times but after the dream I had I was not going to invite them anymore... I wonder what God wants by arranging for my brother to visit me at this time.
To top it all up a friend got in touch with me to say that one of my nieces is having problems with drug abuse and tried to comit suicide. At first I started thinking how I could help but then I thought that I cannot feel I am the only one responsible for my niece and decided to call my brother (not the one of the SA). So for the first time I am calling someone in the family to take responsibility for his "problems" instead of trying to be the "good and perfect son/brother" and try to deal with everyone's problems. I feel it is an improvement.
Sorry for this long post. There is more I could write about but I don't want to make this even longer. I just wanted to share with you what's been happening in my life, and would love to hear your insights and advices.
I have been away but you have all been in my thoughts and prayers.
Raphael
I have been away for a while. To tell you the truth I don't even remember if it has been just a couple of weeks or more than a month. So much is happening in my life that it is hard to keep track of time.
It seems that all of a sudden my "healing process" got to a new stage, I don't know exactly how to explain. On one hand, new terrible realities have been uncovered to me and I have discovered new aspects of my SA experience, sad aspects. On the other hand it seems that I am doing better in general. I start to feel more empowered, less sad and depressed, still dealing with difficult issues but somehow able to be genuinely happy at the same time.
I will start with the bad news; please beware of triggers. About two months ago (or more) I had a very strange dream. I was at home in what seemed to be my mother's bedroom. I get up to go to the toilet an my eldest brother (20 years older) is there. He seems to be drunk. (he still is an alcoholic) He says: "so, here you are" and hugs me. At first I think this is just a hug and I am okay with it but then he turns me around and I feel he is putting something up my anus. I start to say "no, no, no, stop" but he holds me violently and continues. In my sleep I can feel like I am being ripped, like my anus is expanding, dilating. At this point I wake up crying and feeling miserable. The weirdest thing was that the physical feeling was still there. I was awake but I felt like something was inside me. It did not hurt but it was a clear sensation of my anus being dilated, and the sensation lingered for a few minutes.
I was feeling devasted by that dream and a thousand questions started to run through my mind. Was that a dream, was it fiction created by my mind or was it a memory? Have any of you had any experience like that? I have been struggling with this question. In the end I understand that I might not ever know if it was a memory or not. But perhaps it explained why I have NEVER felt too confortable around this brother. We have a good relationship but every time he hugs me, I feel unconfortable. And I am a person that likes hugs and has no problems with being hugged by male or female friends. I also remember that one of my oldest memories is of me hiding from this brother under the piano at home. Why I was hiding from him I never knew, but this memory has been with me since I can remember.
This dream indicated to me that perhaps I was abused by more than one of my brothers (as I have mentioned here before, my memories of abuse involved another older brother (7 years older)). I am also starting to believe that the SA started when I was two years-old. The new "findings" are also confirming for me that SA is not only "my problem" but I am starting to believe that it is affecting more people in my family. I am almost sure that nephews and nieces are also victims of SA. And I feel I need to do something about it and protect the new generations.
That is when the good news begins. If on one hand I am pretty angry and sad and desolate with the new dimension that the problem is taking, on the other I started to feel empowered to deal with it. I am starting to feel that I need to and that I can take a serious attitude towards the SA and do something to break its perverse cycle in my family. I am scared about that but at the same time I feel that I need to do something and that I will succeed. It will be painful, it will be a slow process, and i don't know when it will start, but I see it coming. It will still take a while as I amliving abroad at the moment but i will be moving back to my home country in about six months. I still don'tknow if I will go back and live in the same region where my family is, but in any case, I will soon see them all again.
My T says that I entering a phase of my treatment where I start to look outwardly; the problem doesn't seem to be so overwhelming at this point that I can only think about myself, but now I start to think about me in the world, and about others.
In the mean time, God works in His misterious ways... The eldest brother (of the dream) is having problems with wife and children because of alcohol abuse. My sister in law writes that she would like to come with him and visit me. I have invited them many times but after the dream I had I was not going to invite them anymore... I wonder what God wants by arranging for my brother to visit me at this time.
To top it all up a friend got in touch with me to say that one of my nieces is having problems with drug abuse and tried to comit suicide. At first I started thinking how I could help but then I thought that I cannot feel I am the only one responsible for my niece and decided to call my brother (not the one of the SA). So for the first time I am calling someone in the family to take responsibility for his "problems" instead of trying to be the "good and perfect son/brother" and try to deal with everyone's problems. I feel it is an improvement.
Sorry for this long post. There is more I could write about but I don't want to make this even longer. I just wanted to share with you what's been happening in my life, and would love to hear your insights and advices.
I have been away but you have all been in my thoughts and prayers.
Raphael
