Where does healing start?

Where does healing start?
B

Beemer

New Registrant
I've spent the last 6 months trying to come to terms with my SA. I surpressed it for over 33 years and it finally surfaced. I stepped outside of my marriage and nearly destroyed the life I knew....all as a result of me trying to fill the emptiness I've felt my whole life.

My oldest brother SA me from age 6 to 9. He took something from which I'm only now understanding. I'm so angry...I want to rip him apart.

I want to tell the whole world about what he did. My question is does "outing" the perp help in the healing process?

Beemer
 
I honestly don't know beemer, I know I am not far enough along to "out" my perp. I think it depends on where you are in your healing, only if you are ready to handle it, and ready to handle any possible backlash. If you do it before you are truly ready and strong enough, then it will do more harm than good. Just some thoughts, good luck with healing Beemer, I am sorry you need this place, but glad you found it.

Scott
 
and nearly destroyed the life I knew....all as a result of me trying to fill the emptiness I've felt my whole life.
Click to expand...
I think this is what I've just recently done in my life. It seems like I've done it before, maybe even more than once. I turn my back on my friends and just search and search and self destruct and hurt people that I care about. I don't understand any of it Beemer, I'm sorry.

I think I still have a ways to go to confront or "out" my perp. There's a good article on confronting your perpetrator in the survivor's article's section of this website. It might help.

Josh
 
Beemer
You've beaten me by two years, I kept my secret for 31 years. And like you I went outside my marriage, now 29 years, and acted out. For me it was with strange men.

I started my recovery about 5 years ago, and I have no complaints really. But it's been hard work for me to get this far.

Personally I would leave outing your perp brother for now and concentrate on your recovery.
Outing him will be a very powerful thing to do, and although you will probably gain great strength from it, you will also find it emotionally draining.

I think it's one of those things that happens when it feels right though, and only you will know when that is.

Dave
 
Hi Beemer!

Read the info in this link:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/Survivors/Adult%20Survivors/Articles/singer3.htm

This is a good article on confronting our perps. I think some of your questions will be answered there.

Peace be with you in all of this.

Bob
 
Beemer I cant add anything to what Dave and Bob have said except to heed their advice. Take care my brother.
 
Terrible situation, Beemer, and I'm sad for you. I also read the article people are mentioning here, and found it worthwhile. One thing I'd add is that your anger may make you want to do this out of revenge. I really doubt revenge...to me it's displacement. Whenever I want revenge, I think it will make the pain go away, but it doesn't. It just leaves me still angry and sad that I responded out of anger (usually meanly, too).

In the end, what I really wanted with my dad was understanding. I thought understanding would make things better. After I confronted him (though it was more of a rough conversation than a confrontation) I did have more clarity, but only because my discussion with him wasn't really an attack, more a "Why?" Though it didn't change my worldview or anything, I realized from his reaction that he was deeply messed up. He didn't mean to hurt me and had terrible regrets about it. He was beaten and verbally abused as a child and had all the classic survivor of child abuse problems. So once I understood this, I discovered only that my messed up dad had messed me up. I knew he didn't mean to do it, and a lot of anger dissolved in the face of his general patheticness and general drunkenness.

But, depending on how old your brother is, there might be many other things involved, and understanding might open some doors. Openness rather than outing might be a good thing.

If you let us know the fuller story, we might be able to help a little more clearly. I'm realizing I'm responding without knowing enough to feel comfortable with advice.

For me letting go of anger was one of the first steps on the path to a fuller life.

Danny
 
Danny,

You've leraned something I'm just beginning to accept. I'm proud of you and thank you for that, because you've given me hope.

I am sorry too about your needing this place, but I'm glad you found it. You're a great man, Danny.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Welcome Beemer,

To the first question, where does the healing start? It starts within you. With you acknowledging to yourself that you were a victim of SA and the feelings that come with it. To understand that you are not the guilty one, you are not to blame, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

And your big question about "out"ing your perp. This is not necessary to begin your healing.
Confronting your perp is a big step and requires you to be ready for the possible responses from your perp. Please don't take this step lightly, and do read the article on the home page that Bob, the Dean, has linked.

I have come a long way in my healing journey, but am in no way ready to confront any of my perps. The idea of confronting perp #2 (I know where he is) was brought up by my T yesterday, after a short discussion he understood my concerns and realized that I am not ready.

Take care of yourself,
Bill
 
Beemer, there is no easy answer, there is no easy way. You have to take it as you feel comfortable. My prep is dead, I was able to spit on his grave and scream as loud as I could about the way he took my youth. I felt better, a relief. Far different than confronting a brother that is alive. It took me 40 years to face my abuse, my acting out and loosing the women I love after 35 years of marriage.
Do what you have to do to gain inner peace. Though I am where I am today, alone, I have inner peace, I have told all the horror, I have done all the explaining I can. It didn't make it better to those around me, I wasn't looking for sympathy, just peace in my mind. I know who I am, you know who you are and when the time is right if it ever is right and does happen, you will make the right decision with your confrontation.
The hardest thing is to be prepared for the response. Some spouses, friends, companions, relatives are understanding, apologetic etc. Others are 'get over it",. You are lying, there is more, "your a gay bastard, etc, etc. You know in your heart what happened to you, you know how it has effected your life, just like everyone else here. If it is the relief that you need to get on with your healing, I say go for it, it can't be anymore painful than what you have been through already.
Stay strong, take care of you, and come back often.
Bob
 
Beemer,

Take this with a grain of salt, because I have not attempted to "out" a perp.

Dave said,
Outing him will be a very powerful thing to do, and although you will probably gain great strength from it
Click to expand...
and I think there's a lot of truth in that.

Just as your body needs to be prepared through exercise, training, etc to undergo a strenuous task, so does your "self" (for lack of a better word). When you train your body and make the great exertion, you increase your strength by virtue of the exercise in that exertion. The same general idea applies here, I think.

I admitted in writing what happened over a year ago. I started to realize recently that not only did it actually happen, but it happened to me. I am nowhere near ready to confront or "out" a perp. You have to recognize your own strength and its limits yourself.

Good luck,

Joe
 
I see some truly great things running through this thread. I see a bunch of great men, young and old, caring and sharing in strength with one another. Offering guidance and praise. Men who have hid their sa for years and so on and so on. The truly important thing I see is that not one single one of us is alone ever again and that together we are all moving forward. And that truly brings tears to my eyes.
 
I do not know that 'outing' a perpetrator is essential of healing. I also do not believe forgiveness of perpetrator is necessary either. Healing begins when we forgive ourselves by dropping the guilt and shame we have carried too long that is not even ours. Healing begins when we are finally able to say that it was not our fault, and that the abuse is not who we are, it is just part of what happen TO us. I do not know if this is good answer, but is what i think.

leosha
 
WOW....I just want to thank all those who shared their personal views on this subject. I'm finding that my recovery is coming in stages. My brother did apoligize to me over 8 years for what he had done to me....however, at that time I wasn't ready to even acknowledge the abuse.

He is open to meet with me and my T, however, I really don't want him to enter that space in my head. I need to control this progress. I'm gaining strength by letting choice people I know about the abuse. It's been healing for me.

When my feelings get out of control I'm learning to apply the "truth" about my ownership...and in time, I trust that these feelings of shame, guilt and unworthiness will disappear.

Once again thank you for your words of wisdom.

Beemer
 
Beemer,

I really feel for you. My perp was my mom, so I understand how painful it is for someone in your family to betray you. I had to "out" her in order to escape the actual abuse, so my situation is a little different. But I would say this -- try not to "jump" to the outing stage before you really know what you're doing and are ready. The main reason I say this is that you have a lot of healing to do, and paople can be very vengeful. Put it this way -- Anyone who is capable of sa in the first place, is probably capable of hurting you now. And what you need now is support and understanding. So I would say, basically, try to focus on healing. I do care about what you went through, and the rest of us do as well. there may come a time when you out him, and I support you on that when it happnens. No one should have to put up with what you've been through.

Muffin
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top