Where do is it all end

Where do is it all end
R

reality2k4

Registrant
Every relationship in my life has ended in disaster, I dont suppose it waa always my fault. but somehow it must have been.

Why did God take away those I loved? Why did he shorten their lives? Why did he take away those who should inherit the World? Those who are meek and mild and show no aggression in his World?

Many times over God, took these ppl away from my life, and they are the ones I truly loved. My mind is simple to live in this World that is not real, and not of your making.

It is just like ppl I love and care about, are just taken from me so frequent, and I ask you to care about them, like I always did, and I always eill, so please answer my prayer,

ste
 
STE,

We all have loved ones we wish that were still here with us I know first hand the pain and anguish it causes.I know all too well lost a mother to multiple sclerosis in 85 lost several other family members grandparents then the one blow of them all my brother taken via vehicular homicide in 98.There is not one single day where I don't have a thought,feeling and memory of these individuals somehow I am still here even though at times I want to be with them.

Don't know what more to say right now other then to just remember the good times with those you loved and hope you let them know how much you cared.


Andrew76
 
Ste

I am quite sure that if my grandfather hadnt have passed away I would have not become a plaything to perps. I know that myself now being a grandfather myself. Like andrew there is not a day when I dont think of him with great love and affection.

Kirk
"Instigate change as it appears it will not come naturally in our cause, sometimes it needs a little forcing".
 
Just like our relationships, our experiences also have their a definite purpose and season.

Some begin like a season of joy while others come as a season of pain. But they all come and go, in sequence. When a season goes away, it is best to let it go, allow the new one to come in. Wearing winter clothes in summer will only cause us discomfort, and that what most abuse victime do, by refusing to let it go.

We never allow it to get over. I did for many many years. Trying find some reason, some explanation for it. Trying to make senseof my life, my mind, till I got so fed up that I had to give trying to FIX myself. I am a energy being not a jigsaw puzzle. Once I let go of my old energy new will come in.

And for every old experience I let go, I learn so much more about my self and my life that I cant help but feel thankful.So why not feel gratitude for every life experience? Tuff choice, when it is so painful. But then it is the painful relationships and experiences that teach us the most.

Today I know that the best thing I can do for my future is to let go of the past. Keeping it alive, is like keeping myself stuck in winter clothes in middle of the spring.

Further, I will NOT allow a single life experience define MY life.

It has been an learning experience all right, but then when the movie is over, you've got get out of the cinema hall. Staying put on your seat, wont allow you to enjoy it again. You will be kicked out. But when it comes to our mind, we like to watch our reruns, millions of time. Looking for that one thing that will put it all together. But as we all painful experience when allowed to stagnate, corrode our joy and turn us bitter. We refuse to open up to new life experiences fearing futher hurt or pain. But then life is about new experiences, one after another, nothing more. When we step out of experiences we step out of the flow of life. Our life becomes shallow pool.

Finally, one thing that has set me free is the knowledge that,the experience I had to go thru was a part of my Karmic clearance and the Growth, I had asked for.

Today over 20 years after the abuse, I wonder whether I would have been a better man had I had a 'normal' life?! No. Truly I have grown only because I had so much pain to deal with. A pain was so great that the only way out was up. Thru the soil.

Today I think of my Self as the tiny flower that bursts thru the snow in spring. Only a season after it was thwarted by the very snow. Ready to enjoy the spring of my life.

Life moves only one way, it only gets better.

Today, just as I feel gratitude for my old experiences, I look forward to the new ones. Knowing that they will only last a season, gives me a further impetus to enjoy them to the fullest. By being the moment, completely, by being more aware. Yet, in the end, I know they are only ephemeral.

For I am my own eternal, blossoming spring.
 
Ste,

I doubt that relationships in your life that have turned out badly have largely been your fault, and certainly it can't be true that they were all your fault.

That sounds like Little Ste speaking. I say that because when I was 14 and desperately trying to figure out how I could tell someone what had happened to me, for some reason I decided I would tell my grandfather. He was a great guy, full of love and affection and unquestioning acceptance, so no wonder i decided on him. But he fell ill that same year and died of cancer, so I never got to tell him. I felt so bad about that and soon had it figured that even his death was somehow my fault. I have no idea now how I came to that conclusion. I think perhaps as kids we need solutions so badly, and if we have been abused then our self-esteem is so shattered that we find the answers by blaming ourselves.

Misfortunes and tragedies do seem to pile up sometimes, yes. But I think these things are always really complicated and not to be blamed on any one person, assuming that it even makes any sense to blame anyone at all. All I have to go on is the persona you present to us here Ste, but that one is of a sensitive, loving and very protective guy, not someone who wrecks every relationship that comes his way.

Maybe it would be useful to think of these things as feelings of loss rather than things to accept blame for. That might make it easier to see in our lives the many things that are genuinely positive and worth appreciating and celebrating.

Take care,
Larry
 
Larry, yeah its complex, when you meet this girl I know all my life and she joins my school.

I thought, I gave her the big problem look, like dont be there and stuff.

So this is the first relationship CSA take away from me, a girl who knew me from about 5yo, and my mind could not take it in.

And like she hurt me so much, that I never forget, and that is when I thought, this is what they really do to you!

CSA survivors make the best partners, and it worth helping them I suppose,

I dunno,

ste
 
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