Where do I start

Where do I start
D

deej

Registrant
Can anyone help me find some help for my abuse, in the Toronto area.

I can't even put my feelings into words right now, because I don't know what I'm feeling. It's just the most horrible emptiness ever.

Help me please, help me please. All that goes through my head is... I never meant to hurt you, I was just really hurt myself. This doesn't make sense, I know...

Where do I start\.
 
Hi deej

Glad you found us. We are all brother here and this is a great place to find support and strength to carry on. I know that there are many MS members that live in the Toronto area so you are not alone.
One place that has really helped me and others that I know of is Emmaus Support Services. You can check them out from their website at www.emmaus-intl.net
Welcome to MS and I hope you feel the love and support that is here for you.
Bob
 
Hello, deej,

Welcome to the MS group of men. I'm sorry for the pain that brought you here; but am glad that you have found this place to begin to heal the cause of that pain, whatever it may be.

As for making a beginning, I would say that so far you are doing an excellent job of doing just that. By coming here, revealing the hardships you are experiencing and asking for some direction and help, you have taken some very important first steps in your recovery and healing.

Jeff is right when he says that there are many resources available to you. This is but one and here you can find links to many others.

The main thing is to begin wherever you are.
I was lonely, frightened, hurt and confused when I first came here at the recommendation of my therapist. It is amazing how incredibly helpful it has been for me to be in contact with men who, like me, were sexually abused and are now trying to deal with the devestating effects of the abuse.

There is a real power here and a very positive energy in reaching out and connecting with a group of like-minded individuals. Congratulations for having found this place as one way to access that power.

Please come back and read and post. And use this site as a place to begin whenever or wherever you find yourself.

Men here do understand, the way that few others can. Because we too have suffered the pain and sorrow that you are experiencing. Most of us would agree, I believe, that it is possible to recover and heal. I know that it is happening for me, and so I believe that it can happen for you too.

Glad you're here. Keep coming back.

Your comrade,
 
Hi, Deej,

I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. Of course you feel confused and hurt. What you've gone through is terrible.

I agree with the other guys here. The first thing you need is to find a therapist you trust. They can help you through this.

The next thing is talk. Talk about your abuse to those you feel are safe and can understand you. It will help, believe me. And don't be afraid to come here and talk to the guys. They can help you too. They've been all through it.

I care about you. We all do. Please let me know how you're doing.

Love and peace,

Scot
 
I appreciate the responses, thank you. I have been on the board before a few months ago, but just feel like I'm starting all over again... again.

I don't know if I can do this. I feel totally alone, and I feel like that's the way it should be. I can't stand myself, I can't stop myself... I just want to run into a field and scream to the top of my lungs. It just won't go away.

I feel like I'm getting worse. I'm losing myself more and more everyday. I don't even know if it was real. I'm coming close to convincing myself that it all didn't happen, and that this is just the person I am. That I'm a selfish bastard that everyone hates, and that's the way it is.

I'm sorry everyone, I know this isn't positive.
 
Deej,

Don't apologize for feeling like you are not being positive. This is not a place that I come to pretend... if I am feeling negative I let fly with it. It was not very long before I realized no one here expected anything of me... much less that I be feeling good or positive or even motivated.

This web site is one of two places in the world that I am just me. I don't manufacture a pretense of being okay because I am not. The other place is in my therapists office. But it took me a good six months to forge a relationship with her that made me feel safe. I will be frank with you now. It is a slow road for me with a lot of back stepping. I started trying to deal with this pile a long time ago and one day one I knew that I had to feel better on day two or I would die.

I did not feel better on day two, but I did not die either. And slowly, but definitely surely, I am changing. The changes are not what I expected or would have scripted, but they are nice and they are real. It was not until I could really admit that I was in trouble and it might take a while to get out of it that I really started to understand what I needed to do.

Therapy has been critical for me. It is not some flavor of pick-me-up. It does not always leave me with a warm fuzzy. It is critical because my therapist is healthy and rational and guides me in understanding where my thoughts have wandered off the path into distortions and depression.

I know you feel like shit right now. I experience days exactly like the one you just described. But there are some real important things going for you and me. Time is on our side. You have as much of it as you want, and although the though of having to "recover" may piss you off (it did me) you will soon discover that you are not just recovering. The stage may have been set by abuse, but the play is yours. You know that you need help and you will get help, I promise. Now your life is yours. Your feelings are real and valid and it is absolutely okay for you to feel them, whatever they are. You are not a bad person because of them. They are not disgusting, even if it seems that way to you.

This is a wonderful place for you to relax and take the time you need to explore your thoughts and emotions. A good therapist can help you explore those feelings and how they shape your view of the world. But you are in control now. You can have whatever makes you happy. You deserve to feel happy, just as each and every person on the planet does. You are no different from anyone else here on this site.

Talk to us and trust us as much as feels safe for you. We are tender and kind but above all we understand because we have lived it.a
 
Deej,

We don't believe this happened to us because we don't WANT to believe this happened to us. It's a horrible thing for anyone to endure.

I was abused and raped by a counselor at my middle school when I was 11. He manipulated me into thinking it was love when in reality it was his OWN selfish needs he served. He became sadistic and violent because he enjoyed controlling me. My sister told me he took the one thing children have, unconditional love, and he stole it because he could.

I blocked the whole thing out after he attempted to kill me, again, in the school, where I should have been SAFE from animals like him. I didn't want to believe what he did to me either. It's normal.

I'm having a good week this week. I'm taking a break from going over what happened to me because I NEED to and I really want to. It's possible to let go and heal. It's never easy, and we will have bumps on the road, but we will heal. We are better than the abusers. We are more than the products of the abuse.

Keep in touch, Deej. I'm honored to know you.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Unconditional love. That is the search for me Scot, and I'm assuming it's the search for a lot of us. That's exactly what I felt was denied for me. That's exactly what I've felt I've been missing my whole life.

I can remember being me. I can remember who I was, but I'm not that person anymore.

I remember the first time I had a panic attack, in grade 10 english class. I had no idea why or what was happening. I just knew that everything changed.

I don't want to share my story, because i feel like I'm fucking lying about it. I feel like I'm making my mom look bad for not being there. And my father (aka step dad number 1) was a drunk... shit. Anyways

I wanted to share a song,

band is Travis, song is Turn. listen to it if you can.

I want to see what people saw
I want to feel like I felt before
I want to see the kingdom come
I want to feel forever young

I want to sing
To sing my song
I want to live in a world where I belong

I want to live
I will survive
And I believe that it won't be very long

If we turn, turn, turn, turn, turn
Then we might learn

So where's the stars? Up in the sky
And what's the moon? A big balloon
We'll never know unless we grow
There's so much world outside the door

I want to sing
To sing my song
I want to live in a world where I'll be strong

I want to live
I will survive
And I believe that it won't be very long

If we turn, turn, turn, turn
And if we turn, turn, turn, turn
Then we might learn
Turn, turn, turn, turn
Turn, turn, turn
And if we turn, turn, turn, turn
Then we might learn
Learn to turn
 
Deej,

Share it when you want. Share it if you want. It's not necessary. You know something happened. That's all that matters. We believe you. And we care about you.

I will look up that song. Speaks to me too. Probably speaks to all of us.

You will get better. We'll be here when you need us.

Be well, my brother. I love you.

Peace,

Scot
 
Deej
I'm sorry this is going to be a short reply, it's very late here in the UK. But the Canadian Gov't website has a lot of very good info on it.

As does this site, check out the articles from the home page.

Dave
 
I don't want to share my story, because i feel like I'm fucking lying about it. I feel like I'm making my mom look bad for not being there. And my father (aka step dad number 1) was a drunk... shit.
Click to expand...
Hey. I'm right with you on this. I know how it feels to have your mind doubt you everytime you even THINK about telling someone, let alone actually telling. I've gone back and read my one "disclosure" post that took so much courage for me to write and a part of me said, "You are such a liar - you made that all up." Also right with you on the mom and stepdad thing.

This sucks. That memories aren't more clear, that people don't believe this happens, that we've been made to believe that we are damaged and fucked up and that we should just keep it hidden.

This is a great place though. And with the encouragement of people here, it's a lot easier to stop hiding what happened. I'm been shocked by the honesty and support I've found here... I hope you find it here too.

-Sean
 
deej,

You need to work on this at your own pace, one that you can deal with. Don't try to push it and overload yourself.

The when and where and how much of your story you share is entirely up to you. As time goes on you can add more of the information as you feel safe. The only one that needs to believe you for the healing to start is yourself.

Write a bit of your story down on a piece of paper. Start with something simple like, "I was abused" and read it outloud to yourself. When you are ready do it again another piece of information, "I was abused by my step-father". Keep doing this, adding the bits of information as you feel comfortable/safe and as they come to you. Remember to be honest with yourself, this is about healing your wounds, not protecting those you think will look bad. And be open to the feelings you have and to the bits of help that come along.

The same will work with telling your story to someone else. You don't need to tell them everything all at once. That small bit of the secret you carry inside of you says a lot, like "I was abused". I begins to let it out. And you can judge how they will react to the information you gave them, can they handle it, will they believe you, will they be supportive.

When you are ready, there will be someone to share it with. A family member, a friend, a therapist, a doctor, the guys here at MS, or that person you feel that you can begin to really trust.

Take care of yourself deej, and don't be afraid to post a question or concern or a feeling or a rant. We understand and we'll listen.

Bill
 
I am sorry that your emotions are so difficult at you right now. I just wished to say 'welcome' to here, and I hope that you are able to find professional help in your living area. I was very resistant to seeing a therapist at first, very afraid of it. But I am very grateful that now I am, and she is very good person to me. I wish you well.

leosha
 
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