Where do I go now?

Where do I go now?
F

fusionoflove

Registrant
Well brothers,

It's been almost been two months since I've started therapy and three weeks since my last panic attack. God, I lived in a world for so long dominated by panic attacks and thinking that everything was out of my control that in a weird way I kind of miss it. I don't mean in a good way, I miss it because it's the only thing I've known for an entire year of my life. Negative ideas/thoughts of who I was or what I was becoming. I didn't know what was happening to me.

The rape happened over a year ago. I'm 25 right now, but I think I would've been dead by 27. I probably would've overdosed on pills and alcohol or just as worse, took my own life. God, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry. Sometimes just reading posts here and finding things in common with what people are going through makes me break down. I still can't believe how big and infected the wound was before I was able to face myself and what had happened. I tried everything that I thought was in my power to try and heal, but nothing worked. It was temporary patch and wound got bigger.

I don't know or I sometimes wonder where I go from here. The biggest obstacle I faced was admitting to myself what happened. The second being the panic attacks. What is the third, the fourth, the fifth? I want to know, I want to feel it. Maybe I'm just tired and I need a break from things. I know I can't try and push through things. When my mind and emotions are ready the next obstacle will be presented to me.

I'm starting to ramble so I know it's time for me to go to bed.

Take it easy,
Fusion
 
Fusion,

Buddy, you've already been through a lot and have gone through several important steps towards healing. I envy your determination to face and accept this God awful curse. I was raped at 16, so drank Southern Comfort every night on the seawall until I was 17, (until God sent a pathetic alcoholic staggering by one night and seeing him in that poor state, I decided I didn't need TWO problems to deal with). I just can't give up the one big problem.

I never mentioned my rape to anyone for 28 years! I wish I had, and I admire you for facing and dealing with your experience early on. Trust me, you can only run and hide for so long. I just looked for and found this site a few days ago, so see, you are already ahead of the game! I should be coming to you for advice!

The only advice I can give you is be honest with yourself, and with whomever you have a relationship with. I hid this from my wife the entire time we dated, and through 23 yrs of marriage. Our relationship didn't grow, but suffered because I kept it hid. You're on the right track. Good luck!
 
I think it is not an answerable question. Because the healing journey, even though the end effect will be same (peace!) for everyone, the paths will be different. So it is hard for anyone to say specifically what the next big thing for you will be. But what you are doing now, it is preparing you to face any other obstacles, and is strengthening you for the fight. You will succeed. Sometime I think faith is wanting, even still in myself, but it is possible, for everyone, to heal from this. If someone feels it is impossible for them, then maybe it is. But because they will not believe it possible. Anyone, I think, who has already made it here, has shown the strength to make it through all the way. Good luck to you.

Leosha
 
Fusion -

3rd step is realising that the fault lies with the rapist.
4th step is forgiving yourself.
5th step is moving on and living (a whole multitude of steps within itself).

Best wishes ...Rik
 
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