Where do I go from here
Where do I go from here
- Thread starterHealingHope
- Start date
My Dear HealingHope,
Your words have touched my heart so deeply..rejection just by the simple silence. I believe this is what wounds us the deepest. Silence leaves us questioning and not knowing is being in the dark and being in the dark is scary, which uses our energy up so we get tired....dragged down.
You are NOT to blame.
I have the same situation in my spouse he knows, by me telling him what would help...But still simple silence. So painful at times I don't know where to go with it. Also we are now in a place knowing he has an illness and I can get caught up in the fear....why, will I be left with the silence, why, why.
Some days I do it gracefully some days not so much. I have gotten to a place that I give myself compassion. Where I don't think our guys have gotten. We are not perfect, we all just want to belong, have a sense of value.
So I am telling you....you matter, you are important, you have helped me with my pain.
I'm praying for your fog to lift today.
Turn the wonderful compassion you have onto yourself, do what gives you a smile, go to a place that makes you smile. And if you don't have the energy, that's ok...cry.
I witness you
D
Your words have touched my heart so deeply..rejection just by the simple silence. I believe this is what wounds us the deepest. Silence leaves us questioning and not knowing is being in the dark and being in the dark is scary, which uses our energy up so we get tired....dragged down.
You are NOT to blame.
I have the same situation in my spouse he knows, by me telling him what would help...But still simple silence. So painful at times I don't know where to go with it. Also we are now in a place knowing he has an illness and I can get caught up in the fear....why, will I be left with the silence, why, why.
Some days I do it gracefully some days not so much. I have gotten to a place that I give myself compassion. Where I don't think our guys have gotten. We are not perfect, we all just want to belong, have a sense of value.
So I am telling you....you matter, you are important, you have helped me with my pain.
I'm praying for your fog to lift today.
Turn the wonderful compassion you have onto yourself, do what gives you a smile, go to a place that makes you smile. And if you don't have the energy, that's ok...cry.
I witness you
D
HealingHope
Registrant
Md4e, thank you so much for being here and understanding. It was one of those nights where everything was going round and round, so lost in the darkness as you say. Your words help me too with my pain, I know facing into it is the only way through it. It just feels like a bottomless pit, when will it stop hurting? Will it ever?
I've been here before, I know I'll be ok. Thank you so much.
I've been here before, I know I'll be ok. Thank you so much.
HH -
I am so sorry for what you are going through. you don't deserve it. unfortunately, i can also see his side and know that he is probably not trying to be cruel. i know that at times when i was going through the bad periods, i simply could not see beyond my own darkness - and at other times, when i wanted to reach out, it was as if i was paralyzed and could not do anything, no matter how i thought i should.
I am not trying to excuse his inaction - but to explain it. i hope that things will change. please do what you can to care for yourself.
Lee
I am so sorry for what you are going through. you don't deserve it. unfortunately, i can also see his side and know that he is probably not trying to be cruel. i know that at times when i was going through the bad periods, i simply could not see beyond my own darkness - and at other times, when i wanted to reach out, it was as if i was paralyzed and could not do anything, no matter how i thought i should.
I am not trying to excuse his inaction - but to explain it. i hope that things will change. please do what you can to care for yourself.
Lee
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HealingHope
Registrant
Thank you, Lee. I do understand, he doesn't have a cruel bone in his body, I know he wouldn't deliberately hurt me & in my heart I know he's coping with more than I can imagine. I just need to let these tears run out of steam and breathe. Feeling the heartache kills. Thank you for your kindness.
HealingHope
I am sorry for what you are living and feeling today. CSA leaves wounds not only on the survivor but on others around them. You have been there for him but as a survivor I can tell you we have trouble being there for ourselves. We cannot believe in ourselves and more importantly we cannot love ourselves. He is fortunate to have you and your support. For I did not have it and I know how much more it damaged me. You have to realize you probably have stabilized him from falling further into the abyss. You have helped and may not realize it. For only now do I realize the full extent of the damage done by those who chose to deny my abuse and inflict unimaginable triggers and believing what they did was normal.
Take some time for yourself. Hopefully one day he will realize he has value and love around him. He needs to believe in himself--and that is not easy for many of us. I too, lack belief in myself, I have lost hope and could care less about any material aspects in life. Some say this is a sign I just want life--interesting take.
I wish I had an answer for you that would change his world but only he can decide he is ready. We know it is not an easy journey to face CSA head on. I still struggle with my coping mechanism which is not healthy--dissociating. He has his coping mechanisms and needs to identify them and find alternative. It seems many of us adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms as a result of CSA.
You are not to blame, the abuser is the one to blame. Remember you are a secondary victim--and as victims we tend to blame ourselves for what happen. I still have guilt and shame. Will it ever go away, I do not know. Also if he cannot love himself he is difficult to love and trust others.
My thoughts are with you and please take care of yourself.
Kevin
I am sorry for what you are living and feeling today. CSA leaves wounds not only on the survivor but on others around them. You have been there for him but as a survivor I can tell you we have trouble being there for ourselves. We cannot believe in ourselves and more importantly we cannot love ourselves. He is fortunate to have you and your support. For I did not have it and I know how much more it damaged me. You have to realize you probably have stabilized him from falling further into the abyss. You have helped and may not realize it. For only now do I realize the full extent of the damage done by those who chose to deny my abuse and inflict unimaginable triggers and believing what they did was normal.
Take some time for yourself. Hopefully one day he will realize he has value and love around him. He needs to believe in himself--and that is not easy for many of us. I too, lack belief in myself, I have lost hope and could care less about any material aspects in life. Some say this is a sign I just want life--interesting take.
I wish I had an answer for you that would change his world but only he can decide he is ready. We know it is not an easy journey to face CSA head on. I still struggle with my coping mechanism which is not healthy--dissociating. He has his coping mechanisms and needs to identify them and find alternative. It seems many of us adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms as a result of CSA.
You are not to blame, the abuser is the one to blame. Remember you are a secondary victim--and as victims we tend to blame ourselves for what happen. I still have guilt and shame. Will it ever go away, I do not know. Also if he cannot love himself he is difficult to love and trust others.
My thoughts are with you and please take care of yourself.
Kevin
HealingHope
Registrant
Kevin
thank you so much for this and for your patience. I feel I've been around the block with this so many times here, reaching out.
Like you've shared these past days about your challenges with dissociation, I sense this is also something he battles. I also see, I think that with those in his life that control him he has a formula, it works and keeps him safe, but with me its unchartered.
As @Traveler says I think he wants to reach out but can't. It's like I sense he's frozen, immobolised. If he reaches out he's perhaps vulnerable in this unchartered place with a person that truly wants to understand, love and care for him.
If things have changed for him, with his healing maybe he's fearful he's not who he thinks I need. But I don't care what's changed, I want to understand how it is through his eyes, see what he sees so I can show him I understand. Show him its ok to trust as you've said Kevin.
I know your guys have helped me with trust before and seeing it from your perspective's by way of maybe shining some light on his.
How can he trust me, how can he dare to be vulnerable, when those he trusted ripped his world apart and still are.
How can he take his power back, what will that cost him...yes, I see the risks.
I just want to show him its ok, ease his heart. I think when you fall in love with someone the way I have with him you see something at a soul level that is not about who you are or what you've done. It's about what we have to share and learn from each other, what we need to give each other to enable the other to grow and thrive, to follow what we're destined to do.
Maybe, it's about a coming together of souls for a higher purpose.
I sense he feels he's not the same man I fell in love with and so is fearful I'll expect to pick where we left off. I only want that if he wants that too. I think he's experiencing the affects of CSA so acutely that its affecting how he sees himself and can't see who he really is.
But I saw who he is in his soul, that never changes, its the conditioning and ego that quietens the inner knowing, the inner voice and intuition.
His abusers have tried to silence that soul purpose by control, but no, I still see it and feel it, its still there it's still alive like a lighthouse in the fog, guiding him to safety if only he could see it.
I just want to hold his hand through the fog, stand by him and tell him he will be ok, because he's survived he has more strength than he realises, more resilience and courage than he realises. His soul's gifts and talents are there to enable him to break free and because recovery is the best revenge.
thank you again for so much.
thank you so much for this and for your patience. I feel I've been around the block with this so many times here, reaching out.
Like you've shared these past days about your challenges with dissociation, I sense this is also something he battles. I also see, I think that with those in his life that control him he has a formula, it works and keeps him safe, but with me its unchartered.
As @Traveler says I think he wants to reach out but can't. It's like I sense he's frozen, immobolised. If he reaches out he's perhaps vulnerable in this unchartered place with a person that truly wants to understand, love and care for him.
If things have changed for him, with his healing maybe he's fearful he's not who he thinks I need. But I don't care what's changed, I want to understand how it is through his eyes, see what he sees so I can show him I understand. Show him its ok to trust as you've said Kevin.
I know your guys have helped me with trust before and seeing it from your perspective's by way of maybe shining some light on his.
How can he trust me, how can he dare to be vulnerable, when those he trusted ripped his world apart and still are.
How can he take his power back, what will that cost him...yes, I see the risks.
I just want to show him its ok, ease his heart. I think when you fall in love with someone the way I have with him you see something at a soul level that is not about who you are or what you've done. It's about what we have to share and learn from each other, what we need to give each other to enable the other to grow and thrive, to follow what we're destined to do.
Maybe, it's about a coming together of souls for a higher purpose.
I sense he feels he's not the same man I fell in love with and so is fearful I'll expect to pick where we left off. I only want that if he wants that too. I think he's experiencing the affects of CSA so acutely that its affecting how he sees himself and can't see who he really is.
But I saw who he is in his soul, that never changes, its the conditioning and ego that quietens the inner knowing, the inner voice and intuition.
His abusers have tried to silence that soul purpose by control, but no, I still see it and feel it, its still there it's still alive like a lighthouse in the fog, guiding him to safety if only he could see it.
I just want to hold his hand through the fog, stand by him and tell him he will be ok, because he's survived he has more strength than he realises, more resilience and courage than he realises. His soul's gifts and talents are there to enable him to break free and because recovery is the best revenge.
thank you again for so much.
greenwizard
Registrant
You are such a special and strong person for standing by him. It's hard to get into someone else's mind, but I can say I know I put my girlfriend through hell at times. She has actually told me she fears coming home and finding me dead because I killed myself. So far I have never given into the urge, but now that she's working a job that has a lot more hours, I'm alone more without her support.
Valentine's Day I fell down the rabbit hole and she cancelled plans she was looking forward to so she could attend to me. I lean heavily on her, but she's got no one for support. It makes me feel like absolute crap.
Valentine's Day I fell down the rabbit hole and she cancelled plans she was looking forward to so she could attend to me. I lean heavily on her, but she's got no one for support. It makes me feel like absolute crap.
HealingHope
Registrant
Thank you GW, I've read many of your posts and the relationship you both have is very special indeed. Don't under estimate how much you bring to it?
My survivor couldn't see how much he brought to ours either. She needs you too.
I truly believe people come into our lives for a reason, perhaps she is perfect for you to help you recover, grounds you and shows you how to trust again, just as I'm sure you're perfect for her to help her soul purpose too. Blessings HH
My survivor couldn't see how much he brought to ours either. She needs you too.
I truly believe people come into our lives for a reason, perhaps she is perfect for you to help you recover, grounds you and shows you how to trust again, just as I'm sure you're perfect for her to help her soul purpose too. Blessings HH
WontGiveUp
Registrant
(((HH)))
I really really empathize with you right now. I get where you are coming from. I just hope that you are able to let go and find joy and happiness in your life. If he wants to recover, he will. If he wants to make things work with you, he will move mountains to do it.
I just wish you peace my friend. Peace and some happiness and joy in your life.
(((HH)))
hugs,
WGU
I really really empathize with you right now. I get where you are coming from. I just hope that you are able to let go and find joy and happiness in your life. If he wants to recover, he will. If he wants to make things work with you, he will move mountains to do it.
I just wish you peace my friend. Peace and some happiness and joy in your life.
(((HH)))
hugs,
WGU
Dear Healing Hope,
Your words are too familiar. Your journey on this road is not easy. Many times while my husband was isolating himself I would go through despair myself. Am I doing enough? How can I help him? What can I do? It is true that your husband, without realizing it, picked you to share this with. Deep down he knew that you had the qualities in you to help him get through this. No judgement. Pure love. There is no right or wrong answer but if you listen really hard and lead with love, you will know you have done your best to help. You and your husband will work through this. In order for this to happen though you need to remember to take time to for yourself and allow you to recharge.
Best of Luck!
Your words are too familiar. Your journey on this road is not easy. Many times while my husband was isolating himself I would go through despair myself. Am I doing enough? How can I help him? What can I do? It is true that your husband, without realizing it, picked you to share this with. Deep down he knew that you had the qualities in you to help him get through this. No judgement. Pure love. There is no right or wrong answer but if you listen really hard and lead with love, you will know you have done your best to help. You and your husband will work through this. In order for this to happen though you need to remember to take time to for yourself and allow you to recharge.
Best of Luck!
HealingHope
Registrant
Learning, thank you so much for this. I'd never looked at it the way you've described. I guess, yes I must believe that he did trust me enough to share something so very precious. I hope that he will again. I know in my heart that love has guided me through these years apart ... Thank you
HealingHope
Registrant
Feeling foolish today, losing hope again...somethings bound to have triggered me.
Feeling I've let him down, I should have seen the signs.
I should have realised how hard everything was for him when everything flooded back.
Why do we not read the signs?
Why are we so blind to what's glaringly obvious at times?
I know hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I know I didn't know all I do now, back then about csa.
But I should have known how much he was struggling and I should have realised he was in such pain.
Feeling stupid today...
Feeling selfish
My needs over ran his needs. I hate being needy but I was.
Mad at myself today.
Feeling I've let him down, I should have seen the signs.
I should have realised how hard everything was for him when everything flooded back.
Why do we not read the signs?
Why are we so blind to what's glaringly obvious at times?
I know hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I know I didn't know all I do now, back then about csa.
But I should have known how much he was struggling and I should have realised he was in such pain.
Feeling stupid today...
Feeling selfish
My needs over ran his needs. I hate being needy but I was.
Mad at myself today.
