where do i fit in?

where do i fit in?
P

puppy

Registrant
ive been super stressed out lately. there is so much going on in my life right now that i just feel like im losing my mind. and the one thing that is getting to me most is that i have no support. i know i have support here, but its not quite the same as being able to pick up the phone or have someone to vent to in person. or just know that someones there with you, heping you out. ive pretty much been on my own for a few years but i still feel like im just playing this game, pretending im an adult when i just feel like a stupid incompetant child.

its like there is this huge hole in my life. i have so many questions and there are so many things that i just dont know how to do. i wish i had my parents to talk to. i have friends, but even with my friends i feel out of place. because mos tof them live with their parents and seem to have it so together. and my friends who dont live with their parents still have so much support. my roommates mom would always send her money and stuff and call all the time. and as terrible as it is to say, i was so jealous. i mean i was happy for her. but so angry inside. and sad. i wanted my parents to call me and care about me and help me out. i feel really alone in the world. everyones got someone to go to. or at least thats how it seems.

im sorry if this is coming off as really whiney and pathetic. thats not my intention. its just how im feeling. i want to fit in somewhere. i wanna know that when things get stressful, i am not alone. i wanna be able to call my mom when im stressed or need advice. or go to her house and eat all her food :) but i cant. my relationship with her is so screwed up. she still wont acknowledge thatmy dad abused me. sometimes i think i should let it go and just make that something we never talk about. just so i can have her in my life. i miss having a mom. but is that wrong? i have so much anger towards her. but im so lost and scared.
 
My friend,

What you describe is how some of us get through life. I wish there was something magical I could say to make it easier. I don't. What I can say is, that as you address the abuse, and other issues you may have, you'll find that things will get easier. And you won't feel so isolated.

It's the isolation that kills. We've been bearer of secrets, caretakers, blame-carriers, etc., for so long that it's become a way of life. Damn sight easier than trusting other people, who'll only betray and/or abandon you in the end.

I speak from experience here.

But you know what? The further down the road you go, the more you'll discover that what I said was a crock - a mere illusion left us by our abusers and those other who've hurt us. You'll find it's possible to connect with people, to trust again, and yes, to love. It's something I'm still learning, and times are that I believe I'll never see the end of it, but I know I will someday.

So will you. I know it.

I hope it helps. You can also come here, any day, any hour, and connect with the guys here. They're good people and they can help you through the times when you don't quite feel connected to the flesh-and-blood. This too will make that easier.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
pUpPy, you are not alone on that score, but you are still young.

I only have this place for support, and I was only thinking the other day how life is so isolatory for me.

Yeah, it sucks to see friends who have good families who support them through the years.

You sound like a pretty decent guy, can you not find a girlfriend? Or are you scared to share your feelings.

It stinks that this stuff leaves so much baggage that can never seem to get lighter, but it will in time. You are not going crazy, it is just how you are thinking right now.

Be easy on yourself,

ste
 
Puppy - My parents are similar to your mother. They fully accept that I was sexually abused by a swim coach, a teacher and others but they refuse to acknowledge the physical beatings, the emotional and psychological abuse that they heaped on me at home. It's taken me a long time to get past that, in fact I'm still working on it. But I've had to face some facts that might help you too.

Our parents were brought up in a different time, when things such as child sexual abuse were never talked about. They also learned a different way to deal with emotions, which, too often, meant not dealing with them at all. I find that my parents are seriously limited in their ability to look at things as truthfully as I am. I'm sure that part of their denial comes from guilt, but I also believe that they are not capable of giving me what I will always hope for, what I never got from them, even as a child. They are simply not capable.

If you accept those reasons (I know they might sound like excuses) then you can do one of two things. You can accept your mother and her faults, her inability or refusal to look at the truth, or you can decide not to accept her. I had to take the road somewhere in between. Because I have a daughter who I do not want to be deprived of her grandmother, I have decided to accept my mother the way she is. But at the same time, I have also had to detach myself from her on an emotional level. I decided that though I may always want from her what she cannot give, I do not need those things from her in order to move through my healing. She was a roadblock. The person I had hoped would finally come around and do what a mother should do, simply was not able to do that to my satisfaction.

When I first started going through this recovery process, when I first told friends and family about what had happened so long ago, everyone was quick to say, "I'll be here for you' or "Call whenever you want". As it turned out, most of them meant it, but none of them were really there when I needed them to be. I felt alone like you, like so many of us have for so long. I wrote a poem back then, when I was feeling just like you are now. It motivated me to go it alone, if that's what it took to get to the other side...and believe me, there is another side. It just takes time, patience and lots of work to get there. I know I'll see you on this side one day. In the meantime, I hope you don't mind if I share my poem and I hope it helps. Please feel free to PM me anytime. I promise I'll be here for you. - John

Atoning for sins I didnt commit,
You accept my penance,
So wheres the love that pays for it?

Couldnt trust my Mom and Dad,
Jesus let me down too.
Those who shouldnt have, hurt me.
Now I know I cant even count on you.

I find that all empowering,
Inspiration from what my loved ones lack,
Just the boost I need,
To help me pick up the slack.

So in the end its just me,
Same as where I started,
The only one Ill have,
On the day Im Dearly Departed.

Ill pick myself back up again,
Brush off the dust,
And do my best to be a man,
As best as I possibly can.
 
Puppy,

It is shattering to realize that the persons you want most in your life to be helpful disappoint the most. My parents are deceased but long before that I had realized that their love for my brothers and I was conditional. We had to conform to their expectations and demands otherwise we were out. It destroyed my family and only now 14 years later that my brothers and I are building unconditional love for each other.

I hate to be isolated and in this mess we are often alone because it is very difficult for many to understand. "Just get over it!", they say and you will be better. Not easy because it affects so much of what we do and what we have become.

You can come here but talk with your T and your doctors and if they don't help find ones who will so that you can continue your recovery.

Chuck
 
Puppy:

You're coming to the point that you are realizing that you are starting to mourn things that you can't recapture. It's like mourning the death of a childhood that we can never we given the opportunity to have.

My heart goes out to you because the space you're in right now really stinks. It's painful and I remember just wanting someone to hug me and make it all go away.

I know that this may sound stupid, but try hanging on tight to your dog. Confide in him with everything you're feeling right now. You may feel silly at first doing it, but many times we trust our animals more than people because they have unconditional love for us.

This feeling will eventually pass - even though it may not feel like it right now. When it gets too intense, try to distract yourself for a while - maybe watch something mindless on TV (I prefer the Simpsons or Looney Tunes). You're going through an important point in your healing right now - but after the pain will eventually come understanding.

SD
 
Puppy - don't know where you live, but I live in England / UK.

My parents are dead and never had any knowledge that I was abused. I do have friends that I can talk to (and my sister).

Sometimes when I hit a bad spell in the middle of a good one, I don't always feel like bothering those that will listen and understand. I sometimes think that if I go on too much I will loose them (don't really believe that is true though).

I am not ashamed to admit that I actually telephone a Support Group called The Samaratins (everyone thinks you have to be completely suicidal to ring them, but you don't).

They have supported me each time I have rang (a different person responded each time) and they have helped me over a hurdle. They have helped me to get back on track just by lending me their ears. I've probably rang them about 3 times in the last 18 months.

I don't know if you have the same option in your country, but if you have (or something similar), give them a try.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
thanks so much guys for all your support. youre right SD, my dog is like my hugest support. its funny how much you can love an animal. and its unbelievable how much they love you back. hes my furry therapist. i tell him everything. a few days ago we were at the park and he was just running around being a puppy. and i sat there watching him, thinking about how much puppies are like we were as kids. i could probably run up and kick him. or hit him. and hed still jump on me and lick me to death. because even if i treated him badly, he loves me no matter what. just like i loved my dad. and many of us loved and trusted our abusers. he is just an innocent little (well big) creature that wants nothing mroe than to make me happy. and i love him to death for it. i remember being that little creature wanting to be accepted and loved and trying my hardest to be good. i sometimes wonder why my dog doesnt notice that im really not this amazingly cool person. but to him i am. i guess thtats all that matters. i certainly couldnt make it through all this without him. and on that pathetic note,im gonna shut up. :)
 
That's really cool though because I relate to my dog so much in the same way. She reminds me of me as a kid, sort of the black sheep, or black lab. of the family. She gets scolded and disciplined more harshly than my daughter because she's a dog. And I was treated worse than my siblings, for reasons still unknown to me or them. And when I see my dog standing in the window watching me drive away, she looks exactly like I felt when my father would drop me at the house of horrors school I lived at during part of my abuse. Dogs are and we were so trusting and vulnerable. It's a great comparison. Thanks for sharing and giving me a smile Puppy. - John
 
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