Where did tomorrow go?

[Maynard]

For so many years now I have fealt as if there is no future. It is not that I have lost hope or will ever stop trying to make a better life for myself, it is just that I can't actually think of the future. Every tomorrow is yesterday. I can't even think about what I will do 10 minutes from now, and tomorrow is not even a thought. I am always caught in the past, not necassarily long ago, but it is like every 10 seconds or so my mind has to catch up to itself. I am curious as to why this is or if others might have a similar problem.

It is like my mind is forever stuck in reverse, and the stress that it causes me is tremendous, especially when around people. I don't have enough space, in my mind, to allow it to flow at a normal pace like everybody else. I think that it might be caused because of fear of the future because of my past. Although logically I have nothing to fear but the ups and downs of life, which if I had lived a normal life would not be that scary. But I feel as an if I am an old man when it comes to what I have lived through, although emotionally I feel like a child. The stress of being 26 and feeling like a child is tremendous. Me as a man has totally different needs then that of the child within. I feel as if my mind is at war with my heart and it kills me.

Besides having SA in my life I have lived through about six major traumatic events, and these all happened within a few years. I am sure you all know when you say it can't get any worse then this, and it always does. Well I said that for years and not only was there more trauma, but it was worse then the previous one.

Sometimes I talk with old friends and know that they will eventually experiance some serious trauma, if they already haven't behind closed doors, but I imagine that within my 26 years I have gone through more then a couple of them combined will go through in there entire life. Almost everything except the SA all my old friends know about or at least some of the details, but not one can understand me anymore or have the slightest clue what it is like to go through such experiances. It hurts when I have to hide from my best childhood friends. It makes me feel so alone when I am scared of seeing my oldest friend that I have known since I was three years old. I have known him as long as I can remember, and he is one of the nicest people I have ever known, and somewhere along the line I became even terrified of him.

I remember when I had many dreams for the future so many I could not count. Tomorrow was exciting, full of life, and spontaniety(spelling?), even when it sucked. Where did tomorrow go? Will it ever be found, again?

 

[reality2k4]

Maynard, trauma is an event that is not easily survivable. This is at least my thinking.

I never left my childhood behind because it was so damaged by uncaring people who mock me like I am not so real.

It is right that you can go through life tumbling through days, weeks, months, and years.

Sometimes it is like wishing life away, but what you maybe feeling, is that the child got hurt within you.

I think you may have to address this through therapy.

I hate it when I still have to nurture the child within me, and he still is hurt bad, but he never let me down, he fought this far, and I never let him go.

It is not right, that the child in you should still be hurting when life should have been fun, instead of despair.

I make my life better now, just for him,

It does get better tho,

ste

 

[Sinking]

Hi Maynard - I think I understand what you're talking about. During the beginning of my recovery and therapy I was completely overwhelmed. My mind was moving at 100 mph and seemed like it would never stop. I honestly felt like there were hundreds of thoughts happening at once. It doesn't stay like that forever, I promise. But you'll need to address it further, probably with a therapist. I think it is an indication of PTSD but I'm no expert so talk to a doctor. I have been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the constant racing in my head was one of the symptoms. PTSD, as you may know, can be treated in a variety of ways. For some meds work, for others psychotherapy works. Your therapist and you should be able to determine what will work best for you if this is your problem.

I'm sorry you've experienced so much trauma in your life. I often wonder who decides who can handle what and who gets to shoulder the burden. Like yours, my life has been no bowl of cherries. But every time I run into another brick wall, every time I am dealt another blow, I take it as a challenge.

You think I can't take anymore? Bring it on motherfuckers!!

And I always come through. There have certainly been times when I thought I would not. But, like you, I dig deep inside and find the strength in there, somewhere, again.

As you continue to heal I think you'll find yourself always getting stronger. It really does happen eventually. And as you get stronger I bet you'll find a way to share your past with your old friend(s). I have been blown away by the reactions I've gotten from people, even from police and private detectives in rough and tumble neighborhoods of Boston, people that I never thought would or could be sensitive. I think you'll be surprised, but wait till you're ready. And you will be. Tomorrow will come for you. Try to slow down. Here is an exercise I recently learned that really, truly works in helping to level out the brain chemistry that makes you race and race. Try it, if it works for you, remember it when things seem crazy in your head. Do this three times:
Breathe in through your nose until you can't take anymore in. Hold it till the count of three then exhale through your mouth. After you do this the third time your mind will feel more relaxed and calm. I actually wear a ring on my finger with the Buddhist "OM" symbol to remind me to breathe since my wife and therapist can't always be with me to remind me. Something like that might help too. Keep up the fight, somehow I think we were meant to win after we;we've faced all the challenges they have to give out. Peace - John