Where abuse ends

Where abuse ends
A

Aden

Registrant
When my grandpa was growing up, his father was a stern disciplinarian. He would chain the children up to a rafter in the barn and beat them with a horse whip. One of the boys disappeared. Family legend has it that he either ran away, or was beaten to death and fed to the hogs.

Grandpa claimed that when he was 16 and being beaten, he refused to scream or beg and was never beaten again.

What about that story might be true is hard to say. But grandpa never once lifted his hand against one of his children. He could become suddenly violent in a righteous cause, but he never hit his kids.

We know that abuse is a trait that is passed on. Abused children often become abusers. I am not sure how much of that is under our control. Many of us here are afraid that one day we might become abusers. The idea that it might happen to me use to worry me. But I am 50 years old now and my own CSA ended38 years ago, and I have never even once been tempted to do any such thing. I can imagine it, but to act on such thoughts is utterly repulsive. Is that because I am so self controlled or virtuous, or because of the genetics passed to me from my grandpa and the history that he altered by his virtue?

This is what I am suggesting: We were abused by people who did not have the genetic or social background that would allow them to alter their own behavior. It was our misfortune to have been subjected to the sickness of these lost souls. But it is our greater fortune to have the backgrounds to withstand the full force of their sickness and stop it here.

Forgiveness is a major part of true healing. The understanding that our abusers were , in the long run, less fortunate than us, can be the basis for that forgiveness. For all of the hurt in our poor broken hearts, how much more horrible would it be to have to live inside the mind of those who do such things? I know that you hate them, just as I often do. We cant heal them or even do much to hurt them at this point, but we can heal ourselves, and only hurt ourselves by holding on to the hate.

Were it not for my grandpa, I might be a predatory child abuser. For that I must give thanks. Of course grandpa was a short, fat, baldheaded, hemorrhoidal, chronically depressed old poop. When he was leaving me his legacy he could have left off some of that crap! But that is life.

Aden
 
You are very right Aden, in that it ends with us. And you have a bigger and better heart then I do. Because I feel absolutely NO pity for the monsters in my life. I have not forgiven, and I don't know I ever will. One of them killed my younger brother before he even had a chance to live more then 2 years. And the other took far too much of my life, my mind, my body, and came close enough to killing me. I waver in my anger. Sometime I feel furious about it, sometime I feel disgust, sometime I just feel 'ok, it happened, I'm moving on'. Never do I feel that my father or my coach was 'less fortunate' then me. They both, in my mind, are quite fortunate, to not be rotting to death in prison. That is enough generosity from me to them. Those two men, they were not just singular offenders to me, and never hurt another. They are chronic, repeat abusers to whoever they can get away with it with. When I think that my old coach has been coaching for near 40 years, and wonder how many boys he did this to, I am filled with total disgust. I will not at all abuse anyone in my life, I can promise and be sure of that. Forgiveness, well, I can not make any promises of that. And that will be something I won't lose sleep over! (one of few things that don't take my sleep).

Respectfully,

leosha
 
Leosha,

I know! I know exactly how it feels. All I mean to say is that hate and anger do not heal. It is not for them that we must foregive. It is for us. Peace brother.

Aden
 
Hi,

The Bible says somewhere the the sins of one generation can affect other generations down the line, unless someone stops the process. We are all programmed and we all follow in someone's footsteps. Parents' and family influence is huge, whether we admit it or not.

We can not only stop it here and now. We can also become beacons for others. How scary is that? :) Maybe that is why it is easier to hide behing programming and excuses? I sure have my share of running away through old habits!

Good thread!
 
Our abuse ends with us.

When we say no more and are strong enough to fight back.

When we refuse to continue it beyond us.

When we stand to say no more and stand to defend those that cannot defend themselves.

It ends with us.
 
I find myself agreeing with all of you. I come from a line of abusive people, no, two lines of abusive people, but I did not, do not, and shall not abuse my (or any) children. I do not feel any need to forgive, but I know that it would be for myself, not for anyone else, if I did.

Long before I ever admitted, even to myself, that my childhood was abusive, I knew I would not treat my children as we had been treated. There was a very clear mental image of standing against a rush of water, against a rampaging flood, and not giving an inch, keeping the next generation safe from the battering deluge. To do that seemed sufficient for this one lifetime.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hello Aden

My Mother was the stern disciplinarian - she beat me till I could not stand on my own two feet many times - said that I was the 'luck one' - that I did'nt have it as bad off as she did in her childhood (never have I ever even seen so much as one mean outburst from my Grandparents) - her abuse ends with me! - I drew that line in the sand

My Uncle was my S/A perp - From the day that I stopped the abuse at 9 years old I have not changed in my thinking that I would never do what he did to me to another - I drew that line in the sand

I am single and probably will be for life (long story so won't put it here) and will never have children of my own (I think I can thank Mom for that - another long story...) - so I gaurantee that it stops with me!

I drew the line in the sand and made the stand that 'It Stops With Me'

That's what it takes to stop the abuse - Someone makeing the stand to say 'It Stops Here!'

I pray that in the future I will be able to help those who are not strong enough to help themselves to break out of the cycle of abuse

TJ
 
I too have drawn that line in the sand.
 
I just want to add a thought for anyone who may be reading here and hasn't researched this himself because I think it's always worth clarifying. While it is true that a significant percentage of people who commit sexual abuse on children (something like 40%) were abused themselves, the VAST majority of abuse survivors do not turn into abusers themselves.

When you compare abuse survivors to the general population, survivors are only SLIGHTLY -- as in a few percentage points -- more likely to be abusers than non-survivors. We are not destined to become abusers based on our past abuse. I hate that myth more than almost anything else associated with being a survivor.
 
Although I do agree that the abuse will not continue through me, I do not agree that anyone is incapable of altering their behavior. Abusers included. Abusing someone is a choice. I was abused by someone (my uncles) who chose to behave in an evil manner. They were capaable of making a different choice. I will not let them off the hook by saying they could not of done otherwise.

Choice is a large part of what makes us human. Acting as if we have no choice is inhuman. For me, I will continue to hold abusers responsible for their behavior regardless of their circumstances.

Ken
 
Yes, Ken, those that abuse have made the choice to abuse. They made the choice whether consciously or subconsciously, nevertheless it was their choice. As it is our choice as to continue the abuse or end it here and now.

By standing together and getting the word out. By bringing the abuses that happen up to the forefront of peoples minds, maybe some will chose not to abuse over their likeliness to abuse. Addressing our needs and our hurts plays a big role in our ability to consciously not abuse.
 
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