When we start to believe
This post is not a toot of my own horn, because there are a lot of people here who could write the same post.
All my life, I was told or it was implied that I was either worthless or insignificant. And, of course, I bought it.
My T and a member here who I look to as my mentor have been trying to get me see the good in myself. To change that way of thinking. Man, that is hard. Because, even though it may make me feel worthless and a loser, it's the comfortable blanket I have wrapped myself in for years so that my world wouldn't be upset. And I have fought like a maniac since I started this healing journey to not upset that particular apple-cart.
I receive emails and PM's. Telephone calls. To tell me how much I help others, etc etc. And just couldn't believe it. Because I didn't see it that way. I responded to the latest email a little while ago. Because finally, someone who said this, somehow ripped that blanket away.
I told him that the way I think when someone says that I have helped/mattered in thier recovery, "if you knew the REAL me, you wouldn't think that". And that after his email, I thought about this a lot. Then I realized this IS the real me. The loser/worthless felling is the lie.
So my T and my mentor can rest easy. I have spent a lot of time today telling myself that I am OK and that I am a good man. That I matter. That even when I am gone, someone will remember me and say "he helped change my life".
End of that.
We ALL make differences in each others' lives here. And it is so hard for us to believe that we can actually be better men than the lies and the deception led us to believe.
If you can identify with what I wrote, and you still feel like a loser, listen to what others say to you. They have nothing to gain by saying it. There are no hidden agendas.
So I hope in the future that for everytime I think of myself as worthless or a loser, I can say the opposite 10 times. God willing.
Peace,
Marc
All my life, I was told or it was implied that I was either worthless or insignificant. And, of course, I bought it.
My T and a member here who I look to as my mentor have been trying to get me see the good in myself. To change that way of thinking. Man, that is hard. Because, even though it may make me feel worthless and a loser, it's the comfortable blanket I have wrapped myself in for years so that my world wouldn't be upset. And I have fought like a maniac since I started this healing journey to not upset that particular apple-cart.
I receive emails and PM's. Telephone calls. To tell me how much I help others, etc etc. And just couldn't believe it. Because I didn't see it that way. I responded to the latest email a little while ago. Because finally, someone who said this, somehow ripped that blanket away.
I told him that the way I think when someone says that I have helped/mattered in thier recovery, "if you knew the REAL me, you wouldn't think that". And that after his email, I thought about this a lot. Then I realized this IS the real me. The loser/worthless felling is the lie.
So my T and my mentor can rest easy. I have spent a lot of time today telling myself that I am OK and that I am a good man. That I matter. That even when I am gone, someone will remember me and say "he helped change my life".
End of that.
We ALL make differences in each others' lives here. And it is so hard for us to believe that we can actually be better men than the lies and the deception led us to believe.
If you can identify with what I wrote, and you still feel like a loser, listen to what others say to you. They have nothing to gain by saying it. There are no hidden agendas.
So I hope in the future that for everytime I think of myself as worthless or a loser, I can say the opposite 10 times. God willing.
Peace,
Marc