when to give up...or how to.....

when to give up...or how to.....
R

reesersgrl

Registrant
I have not heard from my b/f for almost three weeks.I have tried so hard to be there for him thru all of this. I have put up with intolerable behavior, callous and crude remarks and his blaming me pretty much for everything and anything that happens in our relationship. He is on a path to self destruction that only he can make the choice to save himself from. While he is berating me, telling me that he cannot move forward in this relationship, he is also sending mixed messages, that I perceive as "save me, i don't want to be this way." For example, he has said, "I love you, _________,(insert some filthy word) when he is raging at me on the phone. He has attacked me verbally, but will call and apologize for it, blaming the seroquel for making him say things that he doesn't mean.
I have tried calling him several times. He will not return my calls. I believe this is because he knows that he loves me and he knows how well I know him and that I can talk sense into him, make him feel feelings and remember good thoughts. He is afraid of me, because he is afraid of love. Does this make sense to anyone?
I am worried about him. I said I would always be here for him. How do I know when to let go?
 
A lot of what you said is really beyond any advice I could give you, however when you said that he is afraid because he loves you.....
well that is exactally what my husband said last night. A lot of the waves he unintentionally creates are because he is afraid of that exactally. Loving=Vunerabilty
 
Which one do you want to know, Vicky? Is it time to give up? or, How to give up?

If you want to know how to give up, you probably feel that it's time.

If you call it "giving up" you will never want to do it. Focus on the positives of what you need to do. Instead of asking how to give up, ask how you can establish good boundaries for yourself. Ask how you can keep any more abuse from entering your life. Ask how you can develop relationships that meet your needs.

The truth, as you already know, is that the amount of emotional energy YOU spend on him and his problems doesn't have very much to do with how much of himself he can commit to healing. Healing from SA has to be self-directed to work. Your role as a supportive partner only exists after he's made the committment to himself.

If you feel comfortable honestly making this committment, tell him that WHEN he is truly ready to end his abusive acting out, and move forward without blaming everything and everyone else for his present-day actions, then you'll be there for him. And stick to it. That means don't be there for him while he's being abusive to you.

There is no way a relationship can be a site of abuse and a safe place at the same time. If you want your relationship to be a site of safety and support, do not allow abuse into it.
 
I don't want to be abused or mistreated. I don't deserve it. I'm so caught up in all the why's and how's, trying desperately to make sense of it all. It's very frustrating. All that commitment, and here I am, left holding an angry, bitter plate of s/a leftovers.
 
Vicky,

Has he ever been gone this length of time before ? Are you aware if he currently in therapy during these 3 weeks, maybe explaining him falling deeper into the hole ?

I can accept his choice to end the relationship.

What I DON'T accept is that he is spiralling downwards, wanting you to feel as crappy about yourself, as he is feeling within himself. Then expecting you will still be there, as if nothing happened. As Partners we have experienced first hand, and read stories from other Partners, when the SAS is having flashbacks,we are the one who will be under "sniper attack"

You are not the one responsible for his pain...As difficult as it is, the SAS, must realize, we won't allow them to act out their pain against us. In most stories I read, Partners, were well established in the relationship, prior to SAS disclosing. Partners write about wanting to help,& empower the SAS, NEVER do partners write they are mad/angry/disgusted/dissapointed in the SAS, for having SA in their life. This is because we know the SAS is NOT at fault for SA. That said, the SAS must stop turning on the person/support they are closest to...because,we Partners are not superpowers, we too have our breaking point.

Relationships are under alot of pressures & unknowns at this time. In my case, I wonder what, I haven't been told yet...my BF no doubt keeps questioning himself should he have disclosed,was it the right thing to do. My BF yesterday, denied the SA happened,said he had a happy childhood, this coming off 4 days of no showers/little if any sleep,& completely cutting off communication with me. He has re-visited & has had surface so many layers of pain,he wants to shut down the memories & move forward.

I will give him the control to stop discussing the SA, I assured him he would never hear me inquire about what he had disclosed, he needs to know he is in control of this information, it is not for anyone else to push him to do anything.

He is limiting himself to how much he can handle.

I too with only deal with as much as I can handle.

Vicky, listen to your body, it will tell you when you can not take it anymore. You are not a better person for staying, nor a worse person to leave him. Vicky...how much good are you going to be for yourself ?....the kids ? if this is continues, with no improvement ? As Partners we have seen them fall down...but is your BF getting back up ? Or is he just bent & determined to trip you & see you fall with him ?

# 1 person = VICKY :D

Look after yourself first, then the ones around you.

Take care, Niagara
 
Hi Niagara. No, he has never been gone this long b4. This is the longest we've been separated since we've known one another. I have noticed that the absences are more frequent and for longer periods of time over the last 6 months. But, like I said b4, whenever he did come back, he said he would try harder, that he wants to be with me etc...I saw my therapist today for two hours and I must admit, I am a lot more clear on a few things.
 
SAR
I just have to say your words on this post are Pure Gold- i just did a long post w/more of my similar sentiments & some story on Aden's string which is sort of the other side of the coin of this one but every line of what you wrote was profound. that first line about if you're asking, it's time- was precious and something i won't ever forget as it relates to anything- if i'm questioning the quality of any relationship, (say even with friends, coworkers) it's time to relook at my own boundary lines.

your post was a wonderful affirmation to of my current processing/decisions. thanks so much. An
 
Niagara,
Relationships are under alot of pressures & unknowns at this time. In my case, I wonder what, I haven't been told yet...my BF no doubt keeps questioning himself should he have disclosed,was it the right thing to do. My BF yesterday, denied the SA happened,said he had a happy childhood, this coming off 4 days of no showers/little if any sleep,& completely cutting off communication with me. He has re-visited & has had surface so many layers of pain,he wants to shut down the memories & move forward.

I will give him the control to stop discussing the SA, I assured him he would never hear me inquire about what he had disclosed, he needs to know he is in control of this information, it is not for anyone else to push him to do anything.

He is limiting himself to how much he can handle.

I too with only deal with as much as I can handle.
Click to expand...
GREAT post- I appreciated reading this-
 
You're welcome An :D and absolutely right:
if i'm questioning the quality of any relationship, (say even with friends, coworkers) it's time to relook at my own boundary lines.
Click to expand...
It's not always time for a change but it's always worth an honest look.

Niagara said:
In most stories I read, Partners, were well established in the relationship, prior to SAS disclosing. Partners write about wanting to help,& empower the SAS, NEVER do partners write they are mad/angry/disgusted/dissapointed in the SAS, for having SA in their life.
Click to expand...
But even though all of us can understand that we don't have these feelings, when the survivor discloses to us that is very much what he's afraid of. We will see them as forever changed, tainted, disgusting, different, unmanly, etc.

Getting as far away from the disclosure as possible in the first few days is a good way for the survivor to affirm that things haven't changed, that we're not going to change the locks and disinfect everything he's touched. That's why I think it's most important to give the survivor control over when and how the SA is discussed at this time.
 
Here's how I try to look at it. Our lives are a journey. Partners stay together because they agree on a long term destination.

When partners have different destinations, it's time to part. Maybe down the road paths will merge again.

Surviving SA is a self-directed journey. Anyone finding themselves being put in the position of saviour to a survivor needs to refuse the role - gently and lovingly.

Anyone finding themselves being put in the position of punching bag for a survivor needs to refuse the role - quickly and completely.
 
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