General Thoughts to Share When they know, but don’t
raffa_will_fight
Registrant
I had a great evening with people whom I know since I was 18. When I think about family, I think about them. Not my brother. They saw me grow, change, adapt, cry, laugh. And where always there, even when I disappeared for some years.
So I am mindfully grateful to have these people in my life.
My little sister is one of them. She is 2 years younger than me, but she kind of has always been the big sister. Still is. I am not good at “adulting”, and she knows, let’s me make the same mistakes over and over (if they don’t leave me hurt), and is there when I need her.
It was one of my friends birthday, so we all are together. Great food, maybe a little too much to drink, especially me. Great deep conversations, but always kept light with sarcastic and intelligent jokes that make you feel like you belong, because outsiders wouldn’t understand.
Near the end the conversation got a little too deep. In our group we can talk about anything, there never will be judging. Over the last days I gave my friends a hint about what my momentary mental situation is about. They noticed that something is going on, and obviously try to get me out of this “blues”. So I felt I wanted the important people in my life to know that it’s not a blues, I am not “feeling bad or sad or down or depressed”. It is a very unique and new moment in my life, in my journey to get to know who I am when nobody else interferes. I gave them no detail, but I think they got exactly what I was trying to tell them.
I didn’t tell my sister. I don’t know if I ever will be ready to tell her. It wouldn’t change anything, and would just give her more thoughts.
At some point, at the end of the evening, she started to tell about a friend of her. This woman has two daughters. The second one is 5. And is acting out. Sexually. Rubbing on things. Telling that it feels good. It feels funny.
I felt my friends’ eyes. Not curious, not evaluating my reactions. I perceived it as trying to understand the new information I gave them, and see how certain discussions impact on my behaviour. I am great at masking. But alcohol makes it a little harder to control.
The point of that story told by my sister was, that some teachers thought it best to go to a therapist. The mother’s idea is that it could happen that they instilled shame and guilt on the child. So she took the situation in her own hands and talked to her daughter, telling her that it perfectly fine and normal that it feels good, but that it is best done in private.
I wanted to scream out that ONE important question wasn’t asked: why? Why does a 5 year old girl act out sexually. It could be anything, from discovering that pleasure after a simple itch. Or because nowadays a phone is used as babysitter, but without the needed parental controls on devices. Or, something else.
Maybe I read too much into this. Maybe it just got to me that much because one question that popped into my mind when I heard that story was: did really no one see that I behaved differently? Or did they see and just thought it as “particular” and “weird”.
So I am mindfully grateful to have these people in my life.
My little sister is one of them. She is 2 years younger than me, but she kind of has always been the big sister. Still is. I am not good at “adulting”, and she knows, let’s me make the same mistakes over and over (if they don’t leave me hurt), and is there when I need her.
It was one of my friends birthday, so we all are together. Great food, maybe a little too much to drink, especially me. Great deep conversations, but always kept light with sarcastic and intelligent jokes that make you feel like you belong, because outsiders wouldn’t understand.
Near the end the conversation got a little too deep. In our group we can talk about anything, there never will be judging. Over the last days I gave my friends a hint about what my momentary mental situation is about. They noticed that something is going on, and obviously try to get me out of this “blues”. So I felt I wanted the important people in my life to know that it’s not a blues, I am not “feeling bad or sad or down or depressed”. It is a very unique and new moment in my life, in my journey to get to know who I am when nobody else interferes. I gave them no detail, but I think they got exactly what I was trying to tell them.
I didn’t tell my sister. I don’t know if I ever will be ready to tell her. It wouldn’t change anything, and would just give her more thoughts.
At some point, at the end of the evening, she started to tell about a friend of her. This woman has two daughters. The second one is 5. And is acting out. Sexually. Rubbing on things. Telling that it feels good. It feels funny.
I felt my friends’ eyes. Not curious, not evaluating my reactions. I perceived it as trying to understand the new information I gave them, and see how certain discussions impact on my behaviour. I am great at masking. But alcohol makes it a little harder to control.
The point of that story told by my sister was, that some teachers thought it best to go to a therapist. The mother’s idea is that it could happen that they instilled shame and guilt on the child. So she took the situation in her own hands and talked to her daughter, telling her that it perfectly fine and normal that it feels good, but that it is best done in private.
I wanted to scream out that ONE important question wasn’t asked: why? Why does a 5 year old girl act out sexually. It could be anything, from discovering that pleasure after a simple itch. Or because nowadays a phone is used as babysitter, but without the needed parental controls on devices. Or, something else.
Maybe I read too much into this. Maybe it just got to me that much because one question that popped into my mind when I heard that story was: did really no one see that I behaved differently? Or did they see and just thought it as “particular” and “weird”.
