When someone reminds you (TRIGGERS!)

When someone reminds you (TRIGGERS!)
C

crisispoint

Registrant
I work with someone at the newspaper distribution center (what they call it. I call it the depot) who reminds me of the @$$hole.

It's not his fault. I keep telling myself that. He's way too friendly toward me and other people. He'll talk your ear off if you let him, which is usually okay by me (since I'm a talker myself), but he gets WAY too close and WAY too friendly.

It's not his fault. It's just he reminds me of HIM.

Once, I'm working on Saturday, prebagging the Sunday parts (yeah, no surprise this, but they print as much of the SUnday papers ahead of time as possible) and one of the women brought her two daughters in. 8 and 10, I think, cute as buttons, the whole bit. Well, they go over to the vending machine for a Coke and their mother asked them to ask HIM to get delivery bags (he also helps the front office).

They're talking to him. He's talking to them. Laughing, joking. He's spending WAY too much time with them. My first impulse is to yell "GET AWAY FROM THOSE KIDS, YOU M*********ING PERVERT BEFORE I KILL YOU!"

I don't. It's not his fault.

Today, I'm getting my manifest for delivery. I don't see him until he claps me on the shoulder and says "Hi, Scot!" Right up from behind me.

I almost clocked him.

Is this s**t normal? I don't think so.

I shouldn't hate this guy because he reminds me of the @$$hole, but he does.

Any comments would be appreciated.

Scot
 
Yeah, Scot. This shit is normal. I've had the same thing with certain people reminding me of my step-dad. The trick is to figure out what is your shit and what is a red flag.

If you let yourself kind of calm down inside, the answer is usually easy to find. There was a guy I worked with who reminded me of my abuser in appearance, in interaction, etc. and I have no doubt in my mind that he was sexually abusing his niece. None. Nada. However, I have definately jumped to that conclusion with a couple of other people but when I sort of checked in with myself, I knew it was just something that triggered me about them.

Could I be wrong? Of course. You really never know about anyone. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is normal and probably healthy in many ways. PM me if you need to.
 
Every time I see a little kid with an adult, I wonder and I ache knowing that while my doubts are probably usually unfounded, sometimes they are accurate and I don't know the difference.
 
The problems you described are normal, they don't mean you are a judging person, they don't mean you are in the wrong, they are just your feelings, nothing more, nothing less, and your feelings are important whether they are slightly scewed or not.

With the things you had to go through being around a person who reminds you of HIM can be totally hard, and that is understandable. I know it is rough, but it is you and you need to accept that.

Someone being too friendly can be very hard especially when it comes from someone who reminds us so strongly of our abusers, but if it bothers you too much it is accepted to tell him it makes you uncomfortable, you just need to make sure you will be ok and can feel comfortable and safe at work.

I know how hard it can be, so you are not alone, I hope things can get easier for you. Feel free to PM if you need someone to talk to, I'm here.

scott
 
The problem is that some perpetrators do behave in ways that can make us suspicious. Part of the problem is teasing out the transference (psychological term for putting feelings on another person who reminds you of someone else) from the gut feelings that the person is doing something that is making you uncomfortable.

There is a link to an org called Stop It Now!. They do a prevention effort about sexual abuse by educating the public about sexual abuse and provide info to people who are wondering/suspicious about someone's interactions with children.

You can go to their website, www.stopitnow.org or call them at 888-PREVENT. Part of their efforts include helping people identify and confront pre-abusive behaviors and help abusers to keep from abusing again.

They are good people. I know a number of their staff and have been a supporter for years.

Ken
 
Scot,

I'm sorry, It is hard when there is someone who reminds of any of them. But there maybe is more of him, more then physical or behavioral resemblence. Maybe there is something in his affect, demeanor, behavior, that puts you on guard. It is like if a perpetrator were to show up in the chat room, or here. No matter how much they try to 'fit in', there is usually something about them that gives them away. We have like the perpetrator 'radar'. Maybe it would be wise to keep close eye on him. If he make you feel that 'creepy', there may be something there.

Leosha
 
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