When not to tell someone

When not to tell someone
T

TrailofTears

Registrant
Is telling your story to a woman that you are interested in, a bad idea?, and if so why?
When is it ok and not ok to talk about it?, and why?
I think I tell too many of the wrong people and have wrongly trusted others to keep my story private.
 
ToT,

I think the basic point here is that your story is YOUR information. You want it not only to be heard, but also to be understood. There's the grab. People who hear it may not understand, and if you are still in a vulnerable position that can cause a lot of pain and new trauma.

You also write in a way that suggests to me that you are thinking, "Should I be honest about who I am?" Well, yes, that's always a good idea. But don't let the abuse define you bro! You are YOU first and foremost. Abuse isn't a part of you, even though dealing with it certainly is. The abuse was a terrible crime committed by someone else.

If you don't reveal immediately that you are a survivor, you are not depriving another person of essential information. You don't need to get into such areas until you are at a stage in the relationship where the information might be very important. For example, does your abuse history affect your interest in sex? If so, and if your relationship gets to that point and you show no interest, that will send a wrong signal to the other person.

But remember, again, that this is YOUR information, and it deals with a very sensitive part of your past. Once you give it to someone you can't claim it back.

Much love,
Larry
 
This may not be helpful but....

I used to hide myself with lies and deceptions.

Now I tell the truth to anyone rather than lie. That doesnt mean I blurt out "hey I was abused" at the first given opportunity, but if I need to, I tell.

It does create problems, some people react differently but....

It helps you surround yourself with solid friends and you'll also be surprised how many people are cool about it.

My attitude now is generally "I have to deal with my abuse daily, if you cant handle my abuse thats your problem not mine"

Perhaps not the best advice in the world but it works for me!!
 
Originally posted by JapanZen:

My attitude now is generally "I have to deal with my abuse daily, if you cant handle my abuse thats your problem not mine"
Click to expand...
I quite agree, but it is still hurtful somehow, when others cannot, will not or do not want, to understand. But still I tend to agree with you, that it can keep us from unecessarily laying blame on ourselves for others emotions, beliefs, temperaments etc.
 
JapanZen (and others),

My attitude now is generally "I have to deal with my abuse daily, if you cant handle my abuse thats your problem not mine"
Click to expand...
In principle I would say yes, exactly right, but in practice I find that it often doesn't work out this way. Here's why, and I refer to a phone conversation I had with a close friend of mine just yesterday.

My friend Fred and I have been very close for perhaps 25 years and we have shared a lot of very personal problems and difficulties. I trust him 100% and I know he feels the same about me. Now for about the last six months my T has had me writing down everything I can think of that happened to me during the abuse years and ways I was affected later on, and as I see ways to change or improve my text I do that. It also has a lot of comments on what I have learned: from therapy, from here, from my own reflection, and so on.

Just recently my T suggested that I was now strong enough to show this to a trusted non-survivor friend whose support I might like to have, so immediately I thought of Fred. So I emailed him, disclosed that I am a survivor and asked if he could read what I have written. As I expected, he said yes absolutely, so off goes my summary to him as an attachment. Yesterday he called me and we talked about it.

He told me straight off the bat that what he had read horrified and shocked him, but that he hoped I understood that none of this could have been my fault. He assured me that his high opinion of me was not at all affected by what he had read. So far so good.

But as the conversation continued and he relaxed a bit, he fell into a series of terrible gaffs that really made me cringe. But I knew that he was only trying to reassure me and cheer me up, and of course that he has absolutely zero experience in talking to a survivor about such things. There really wasn't any way he could know how touchy some of these areas can be for me.

Had I done this nine months ago the whole thing would have been a disaster, I think. I would have been unable to cope and I would have felt betrayed and belittled - all by comments by a great friend who was only trying to help on the basis of no experience or prior awareness of what would help. This last part I would not have been able to see, or rather, maybe I would have just felt too upset to see it.

My point, I guess, would be that these kinds of disclosures often depend a lot on where WE are at in OUR recovery, as much as they depend on the compassion and understanding of the person we are talking to. I would suggest talking to your T in detail about this first, and if you feel you aren't ready, it's better to wait awhile. It's better to do that rather than risk being retraumatized and feel betrayed and shamed all over again.

Much love,
Larry
 
My T suggested that I need not tell a soul unless I was going to marry them or something. I can't see pretending or trying to hide it. I talk pretty freely about it, (while trying to look at the more positive side of where recovery is taking me). I did not do anything wrong, I AM INNOCENT!!!I am compassionate and dedicated to not abusing others, Sometimes, I think that "this way, I do not have to try and remember who knows what about me", the thing is I often lose the right to tell my story (or not) to others I do not know, because those who do know, gossip and take that right away from me. I believe what I think of me is much more important, but sometimes perhaps, it is better to keep silent about it when it can do more damage than good. A hard decision to make, no?
 
i think it depends on how you react when your with them ,in my case i get triggered by any kind of physical contact ,things like a simple kiss ,so i feel that rather than have the person wonder why i pull away and maybe blame themselves i should explain why . or things like startle reacation ,if a person like sneaks up on me even by accident i react pretty intensly ,kinda hard to not explain almost punchinghing someone out.i guess who you tell and who you dont depends on how close you want to be to that person.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top