"When Mentor Becomes Molester"

[Chey-Wy]

Monday was not a good day. For many reasons. Something happened that caused one of the worst triggers that I have had in a long time. I spent most of Monday night writing my feelings to what had happened and was going to finish it up tuesday morning. Then I heard the sad news about Gunner and never got it finished. I still haven't finished the Letter to the editor I was writing.

Here is what happened Monday. I had taled to Thad in chat Sunday night. We hadn't talked in quite a long time so it was good to talk to him and catch him up on the status of my case against the church.

Thad sent me a link to a group called Advocate Web. https://www.advocateweb.org/ It is an organization devoted to helping people that are survivors of professional abuse. They have a search function that allows you to type in a "key word". I typed in Presbyterian. I was surprised when it came up with 10 hits. There was an article called When Mentor Becomes Molester https://www.advocateweb.org/hope/mentormolester.asp

I opened the article. It was "Reprinted with permission from Presbyterians Today, magazine of the Presbyterian Church" (U.S.A.). or as I prefer to call it "Hypocrites Today".

I started reading the article. I started sobbing. I said to myself that's me. I read the second paragraph. I was crying. Again I said , That's me. I read the third Paragraph I was balling uncontrolably. I just kept shouting That's me, that's me WHY, WHY, WHY? I eneded up balling my eyes out on my bed. I knew that my T was off sick because that is why I had the hour to do the search on the web.

Finally, I called my T's office. I knew that they had a staff person on call every hour for emergencies. I told Tom ( T on call that I have talked to before) about the article and said I will try to read it to you so you can understand the trigger. I started crying again immediately, but I felt I could handle it.

Tom and I discussed why I was crying I told him that everything that the article I could either say about myself or about my perp. But the lady writing the article had been sexually assaulted by her minister and she was writning positivly about how the church had helped her. All they have done for me is inflict more pain. "WHY ARE THEY BEING SUCH ASSHOLES", " WHY HAVEN'T THEY SHOWN ME THE SAME COMPASSION THAT THEY HAVE SHOWN THESE LADIES."

Finally, I felt like I was back under control. I asked Tom how long he was going to be in the office. I told him that I had to read the entire article. I e-mailed My attroney and told him about the article and how it had caused such a severe trigger. Finally, I got myself a glass of milk and setteled into my recliner.

I did finish the entire article. My feelings went from sadness to anger to rage to "WHAT A BUNCH OF HYPOCRITES" They print a policy ... tell about the positive experiences that people have had because of it ..... but .......... look at the way they have treated me. "What a f***ing joke". What a F***ing Lie".

I took about a two hour break, got some dinner and tried to watch some T V ... but the article kept coming back to me. I reread the whole thing and asked myself the questions I wonder if Bob (the current minister at the church that has treated me like crap) has read this policy

Finally, I started a letter to the editor of "Hypocrites Today". I still haven't finished it and I don't know if I will send it. I give enough details that they can figgure it out, but they would have to do a lot of work to figure it out. I use first names only. I may post it here when it is done. Just not sure what I am going to do. I would run it by Tim (attorney) before I did anything. I would not want to do anything that could hurt my case but it looks like they are going to use the statute of limitations defence.

I am going to try to finish up the article now, e-mail a few friends and get to bed. I have been averaging about three hours sleep a night. Too much stress.

Take care brothers,

John

 

[Lloydy]

John
you're doing all the right things, it might not seem that way but from where I sit it looks pretty damn good.

You're working on your recovery and seeking some kind of justice, so you had to read that article.
We have to accept that sometimes we're going to be triggered when we deal with this crap.

You dealt with it, you cried, took a break, cried some more, took another break. Phoned your T and sought support.

You thought of a response, write a letter.
Which you did, but not in haste, you're going to run it past your lawyer.

All this over a short period of time when you were upset about the recent news here as well.

That sounds pretty damn good to me John.

Dave

 

[Chey-Wy]

you're doing all the right things, it might not seem that way but from where I sit it looks pretty damn good. ...........

...........That sounds pretty damn good to me John.

I am having a hard time believing that right now Dave. The local church just pushed another one of my buttons.

THEY JUST DON'T GET IT. Thank GOD I had an T appointment today. Actually, had two. One for EMDR and another with regular. They would not do EMDR because I was so upset.

I will post the laterest news on the hypocracy of the church later. Right now I need to call my attorney.

Thanks,

John

 

[Wuamei]

John,

Brother I'm sorry you were triggered so fiercely & painfully. You are handling it well in that you called your T & talked to Tom the emergency T, as well as in writing the letter to the editor of “Hypocrites Today.” Whether you send or even finish the letter or not, it can still be cathartic for you.

As for that damned statute of limitations defense, this may be an opportunity for you and your attorney to test & overturn that lawless law in the state of Wyoming, and maybe set a positive national trend.

I know that sounds overly optimistic, but me I gotta hope. And it could happen. I know I'm praying for it and I'm praying for you my friend. TC & TTYL.

Victor

PS: check your PMs.

 

[moo2]

I agree, you are handling the trigger very well. If only Mr Edd would handle a bad trigger by just crying. I also agree that if the statutes of limitations was overturned for sexual issues would be a miracle. That in itself would open up the realities of the harm of sex with children. Keep truth rolling here and truth will spill out into the world.The article is a start for people to know what is going on out there in the real world. I know that the article did not say everything, but people need to know what they can handle. Some people can not handle what we can. WE ARE SURVIVORS. Most people are followers only.
WITH MUCH LOVE,
Kim

 

[Troy]

Greetings John. You're going through a hard time and I'm sorry. I think the thing most all of us want in life is to find people we trust, people who will keep us safe and mentor us purely in love. When that relationship ends up in any form of abuse, it is truly hurtful beyond words. I hope you will find hope within your heart to know the world is not a totally bad place and you will find those special relationships which make you feel safe and secure, outside of a relationship with a T. Sometimes a T makes mistakes just like anyone else, because after all, a T is only human too. Learn to rely on your own strength, rather than their strength. You are stronger than you know.

I don't know you or your situation, as I am new here. But I do know a little about you after reading your post. Any sexual abuse is wrong. Sexual abuse can take many forms, but I've learned that sometimes people tend to abuse themselves with guilt much worse than the event which they consider abusive. Rape is one thing, abuse is another, and guilt from a concentual sexual act is yet another. It can be very difficult for us to internalize which is which - especially as later problems in life come crashing into our worlds.

But if your minister made you do things you did not want to do - than you have a right to be angry. But do not let it destroy your life. You have much to give, much to learn, much to share and much to see. Forgiveness can be difficult. I guess that's why it's the touchstone of Love.

Abuse can take so many forms, however, and you need to realize that abusing yourself is no better than other people abusing you. Self-abuse robs of us of self-confidence and the ability to be aware of our own strength. It is very hard to forgive people, but you must do so in order to move on. To move forward. That's the sole reason this forum is even here...so that we can each find ways to move forward and leave our pain behind.

I can relate to your frustration with the Church helping the 'girl' who was abused by the minister, but turning their backs on the boys who were also abused. Basically, society is failing to recognize what happened to you because 'homosexuality' is just too hot of a topic for them. Thus, your abuse is only repaid with more abuse. Only recently has the Catholic Church started to take seriously the many boys who've been sexually molested over the years by men they loved, trusted and respected. If what happened to you is something you consider a crime, then what society is doing by not realizing it is also a crime. The world is unjust.

Even though we might be very different people, I can relate. I'm gay. I was never molested as a boy, but it came close once. My molestation was in a relationship I had in college and was purely mental. I was in a relationship for a year with this guy, and I broke up with him. It was nasty because he refused to let me go. He stalked me for 2 years afterwards, making my life a living hell. It was not physical abuse...it was mental abuse for me. Pure. Insane. My ex did unspeakable things to me...none of them were physical. Some people might not consider mental abuse to be anything as bad as physical abuse, but let me assure you it can be. I think it can sometimes be much worse.

This happened back in the late 1980's in a midwest state. You know what the cops did? Nothing. Nada. Ziltch. Do you know why? It was because my stalker was a man...and I was a man. They did not consider that to be stalking because it was a 'gay thing'. This guy broke into my apartment constantly, bugged my phone lines and did other things I try to forget. But since it was a thing between 'guys' they didn't do a damn thing. The courts would not allow me to put a restraining order on a man in that situation...thankfully I think things have changed now. But at the time, it was hell.

Society is very slowly coming to a maturity level to deal with homosexual crimes of passion. But my whole point in writing you this long note is to tell you to STOP beating yourself up and START living your life. If you want to find someone you can trust again, to make you feel safe, and to be your mentor...you will find them. Just realize people are not perfect. Either you must find it within yourself to fogive them and move on, or you must find it within yourself to be your own mentor. There are real men out there, John, who can and will be your mentor. None of them will be perfect, but few of them will abuse you in such ways. Don't loose heart just because you know yours in special and fragile. There are more of us out there than you realize with special hearts. You are not alone. Men need one another, on a very deep emotional level that society does not understand. I am not talking sexually, I am talking emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Since society itself has lost the importance of male bonding, it is no wonder they are much too immature to deal with male-to-male abuse. Quite frankly, society is clueless. The world has all but separated men from one other, in all cases.

Men are like stones...and stones together with a little mortar make a foundation of strength. It is not wrong to desire that foundation. It is wrong to deny it to yourself because of one 'bad' stone. Regardless of if you're gay, straight or whatever, your relationship with other solid men is important in your life. Perhaps you have high expectations of other men in your life, but you must eventually realize they are all only men. Your only true 'mentor' in all of life is God.

Good luck, brother. Leave the past behind. Step into your future. There will be many things to make you angry in life...this world is full of it! But you have the choice of how that anger will manifest itself. Let it go. You will find special men in this world whom will deserve your trust, love and respect. Even if the world does not see your pain, God does. Even if nobody else in the world knows you...at least you do.