When is it time to OUT your best friend?

When is it time to OUT your best friend?
B

brooklyn

New Registrant
I have a friend who was sexually molested by a Catholic Priest more than 20 years ago. Like many survivor's he suppressed his terrible memories of these events for many years until a trigger brought them to the surface approximately 2 years ago. Since then he has engaged the services of a psychiatrist who has not been successful in getting him to confront his past and lay out a positive plan for moving forward. As a layperson not schooled in psychiatrics or other mental health proficiencies it is difficult for me to critique his practice. However it seems that my friend occasionally takes one step forward only to go three steps back. On a rational level, he has acknowledged that he understands that he was not to blame for his actions (he was in grammar school at the time). However on a subconscious level he continues to punish himself to this day. It is absolutely destructive behavior and it must stop. His tragic flaw (then and now) was/is his choice to hide the abuse and particularly protect his parents from the truth. I am sure that there are several rationalizations that feed into this including guilt/embarrassment for the pleasure associated with sexual stimulation, fear of not being believed (ridiculed), and fear of the consequences his parent's would have to face for their actions (to name a few).

On a rational level he understands that he must at some point come clean and let his parents in on his big secret. On an emotional level, it is what he fears more than anything. It is my contention that this truth will set him free. Not that it will turn on a magic light switch, but that it is the key to the beginning of his healing. His choice to protect his parents is costing him and his parents a great deal. They are aging (and are not in the best health), and he is no closer to healing than he was when Pandoras box was opened two years ago.

I asked his wife if she ever considered confiding in his parents. She said that she would never betray his trust. My reply was, "Is it a betrayal of trust, or does he need a life preserver thrown to him?"

It is extremely difficult watching someone that you care about flounder and waste their lives stuck in limbo. At the risk of losing someone who means as much to me as a brother, I am thinking about doing what he cannot. I believe he needs someone to intervene and carry him the next 10 yards.

Any comments feedback or suggestions would be appreciated.
 
coming out to someone means exposing yourself to a lot of risks. he has to be ready to face those risks before confronting anyone. i definately dont think you should 'out' him. mic hunter in abused boys, and my therapist have both warned me not to come out to anyone before i am well prepared. if you tell, and they react by withdrawing from him or worse, it could very well be the proverbial straw. it could turn him suicidal or something. no, this has to be his decision.
 
brooklyn,
do not take a step for him that he himself is unable to manage. his wife had it correct in referencing it to trust. your friend is dealing with some really horrific things emotionally and spiritually. when such a thing as incest happens there is a fundamental betrayal of trust that cannot be easily regained. when such a thing as clerical abuse, no matter the faith, then there is a fundamental betrayal of the soul because this is the person most in tune with the practice of the faith of any given childhood and to a child this is almost like God alone doing this kind of harm. this is not something about courage, cowardice, or needing to get "outed", this is about touching the fundamental core of a religious identity and must be done by your friend alone. there is too much involved within your friend's mind and soul for someone outside his mind/soul to decide what needs to be done. there is a difference when a person is no longer coherent and wants to harm themselves, then someone should step in to ensure the person's safety until that person is able to carry on. this is an issue of choice that he has to address. otherwise too much more harm will be caused. it will not help him to force him into a situation he is not prepared to handle. take care, and your friend is very lucky to have you in his corner, just continue to support him at his pace.
 
Never. You never do that 'for' another person. What they need and what you think they may need, they may be totally different.

Leosha
 
Brooklyn
I asked his wife if she ever considered confiding in his parents. She said that she would never betray his trust. My reply was, "Is it a betrayal of trust, or does he need a life preserver thrown to him?"
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I am in a very similar situation, I was abused at boarding school and my parents still don't know about it. They are well into their 80's and in poor health.

I have chosen to remain silent to them, and it was the hardest decision I have ever made. My wife knows, and so does my only brother and most of my friends and family. But they are sworn to secrecy by me and I would never talk to any of them again if that trust was betrayed.

I was betrayed as a boy, hugely betrayed. I'm 50yo now and still bitter over that betrayal. I would be devastated by the betrayal of someone else telling my parents even now. Whatever their good intentions and motives were, it would be betrayal.

What survivors need is unconditional support, what we don't need is someone else doing our healing for us. Firstly it doesn't work, and secondly, we're the 'experts' on ourselves.

That all might seem very harsh, but it's not meant to be I promise you. I hope that your motivation is for the right reasons - to help your friend. And if so all I want to do is help you to help him. Because he most likely will need help and support, he'll need friendship and understanding. He just wants someone to "be there"

And that's the greatest thing you could ever offer.

So please stick around and see how "we tick" - you've made a brave move by coming and asking questions. We haven't got all the answers, we wouldn't be here if we had, but in the chain of help and support that you want to be a part of, we're a strong link.

Take care.
Dave
 
Ok, Im going to try and be as nice and diplomatic as I can. JUST WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!? Its up to him to decide when and IF IF he tells, not you, not his therapist nobody but him! You want to be his friend, then be his friend not his judge.
 
Brooklyn,

Are you a friend or his controller? He needs to do this on his own time schedule on his own free will. "Outing" him is almost a sure way to lose him as a friend and send him on a downward spiral.

I asked his wife if she ever considered confiding in his parents. She said that she would never betray his trust.
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His wife has it right. Honor his and her wishes on this. It is unfriendly to do otherwise.

My reply was, "Is it a betrayal of trust, or does he need a life preserver thrown to him?"
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Are you out of your mind? It is a betrayal of trust without a doubt.

So to answer your question of when is it time to 'out' your friend. NEVER. NEVER EVER . I don't know how you can call him a best friend and even consider this.

Bill
 
Brooklyn,

Do not under any circumstances take it upon yourself to tell your friend's parents about his SA. You have no right to tell anyone. The abuse did not happen to you; it happened to him, and only he has the right to tell anyone about it.

Your judgment that the reason he is not progressing in his recovery is because he hasn't told his parents isn't necessarily true. Many survivors choose not to tell their parents for one reason or another, and it does not prevent their continuing recovery. In addition, some survivors who do tell their parents get a bad response, such as some form of denial or insistance that it never be mentioned again or even blaming their son for abuse and defending the abuser (yes, this has actually happened).

The best thing you can do for your friend is to tell him about this site. The sense of community and companionship, of having others who have had similar experiences to communicate with and to give support, is itself healing.

I know from experience how frustrating it can be when a survivor/friend does not do what I think would be best for him in order to recover. But then, really, how would I know what's best for him? I'm not him. So give yourself and your friend a break -- relax and back off.

Mary
 
people,
those who know me here know my stand on various issues. i concur with everyone here that "outing" is not an option as brooklyn put it; however, i ask that each of us give brooklyn the benefit of a doubt. yes, this is a very volatile issue for any survivor regardless of gender, but, please keep in mind that brooklyn came here to ask and to understand, not to be judged. please consider this when responding. just try to remember, brooklyn is reaching out using the only information available and is not aware of the complexities involved. heck, even i am not aware of the complexities involved because i am still working through them myself, but i do recognize a friend who is trying to learn what might help, even if the first choice would be the wrong one. take care, everyone, and brooklyn, take care as well.
 
Ditto to what everyone else said here.

You have to ask yourself, "is it doing him any favors? Does it hurt him?" The answer to both is YES unless he does it himself.

It is his life. It's sad he's making self-destructive choices, but would YOU be happy being the one who destroyed him? Drove him over the edge?

I wish I could put it kindly, but I can't. DO NOT TAKE IT UPON YOURSELF TO DO THIS PERSONAL THING. THAT IS WRONG, SELFISH, HURTFUL, MEAN, CONTROLLING, DOMINATING, AND, YES, ABUSIVE, NO MATTER WHAT YOUR MOTIVES ARE!

It was the hardest thing in the world to "come out" to my family and friends. Most were supportive, but some were hurtful. It made me cry. It disrupted my life. It cost me "friends." It was hard.

This was when I made the choice. Imagine what it would've been like if someone "outed" me. I'd literally be dead by my own hand now.

Would YOU want that on your conscience?

Scot
 
On further reflection, I feel badly about how angrily I responded to your post, Brooklyn, and I want to apologize publically (I already sent you a private message).

While I stand by what I said, and my objections to "outing" your friend, I believe that your efforts to help him should be commended, not rideculed (sp?), and I should've found a better way to voice my opinion.

The thing is, even when we survivors choose to tell people about our abuse, it opens up possibilities of being criticized, hurt, and betrayed. On the whole, my friends have been supportive, as well as my family, but one of my sisters asked me if she could "trust me around (her) children," and a person i considered a friend asked me if I "enjoyed" the abuse.

Can you imagine how I would've responded if they found out against my will? Even when it was my choice, these statements (and others) hurt me beyond words. If it wasn't my decision, I do believe I'd have committed suicide.

I applaud your wish to help your friend, and I want you to be there for him and support him with whatever he decides to do. But the decision has to be his and his alone.

And, again, I'm sorry for saying what I said so angrily.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Thanks to you all for responding to this post. I obviously touched a nerve with many of you who are probably going through (or have gone through) the same thing that my friend has. For those of you who doubt my intentions, let me assure you that my motives are purely related to his healing. You see, the problem with his particular case is that these events occurred many years ago when he was a child. He was not mentally prepared to defend himself, or make mature decisions on his own behalf. When I speak with him about the events (which for the most part he would rather not talk about) he seems to regress back to the child. This regression is subtle, but nevertheless apparent. This child was left to deal with a mental challenge that he simply was not ready to deal with. My fear is that he is still to this day dealing with this issue on the emotional level of a child and therefore is not capable of making the best decision for his own good. The issue that I have is that he made a decision to protect his parents then. He continues to protect them to this day, and his decision to keep these memories surpressed and not deal with them openly is not only affecting his life. It is affecting his marriage and the lives of the people closest to him. And two of the people most affected have no clue about the abuse. What they know is that their son is distant, never comes around, treats them poorly, is behaving in ways that they don't understand and they are looking for answers. They have no clue.

I agree with all of you that the decision should be his, and I pray that he finds the strength to confide in them and truly begin healing. In my opinion the irony is that he must confront his greatest fear to turn the corner.

I'd be interested in hearing what it took for some of you to tell your parents. What was the outcome? How did they react? Did it do more harm or good? How did you feel after telling them, and was it key to your healing?

Again, thanks for the feedback!
 
brooklyn,
the regression you refer to is pretty common, however, it is not regression per se. this does not refer to those who suffer trauma by actual regression in the clinical sense or technical flashback, again, in the clinical sense. by this i mean very specific behaviors and experience of the individual going through, or have lived through, the trauma. what happens with your friend, aside from the above possibility, is that he really does have an emotional experience of some vague sense of childlike vulnerability. it is difficult to describe objectively so i will give you an example from my own experience of recovery.

things start getting a little overwhelming for me in my day to day existence. stress from current projects, financial issues, misunderstandings with my colleagues, etc...things are reaching a crisis or near crisis point. something someone says, does, or some other purely innocent event reminds me on a level below my conscious awareness that something happened in the past. this is a trigger. something from the present trips a memory of abuse in a way i can't see but the fear suddenly becomes real right here right now. in full form, that trigger, whatever it was in the present, puts me immediately in the past whenever the specific abuse happened that i am reliving. all the emotions, all the fear, all the shame, all the pain, is going on right here, right now. this is a flashback. i am no longer the adult i am now, i am the child i was then and i am terrified. a flashback is easy to discern from the outside because the person going through the flashback is no longer the person you know. what has been happening to me lately, is i am suddenly overcome by some vague sense of fear but i do not know why or where it comes from. i am still the adult that people know me has but i become quieter and start looking for something to happen but i don't know what or when, or even if something will. it is this vague sense of impending doom that i live with on good days. when i start talking about the abuse itself to someone, such as lady theo, a friend, my therapist, whatever, i also retreat. to you it could be perceived as somewhat regressing, but to myself and those that know me and my past they see that i am still present (not in a flashback), but that i am scared. consider, if you see a snake in the forest, you will pause and likely step back very gently, or at least lean back to try to avoid this danger you see...but you do not become a child. not trying to scold you on this, brooklyn, just trying to point out the distinction. we survivors pull back from the danger that we lived through and to untrained or unknowing eyes appear to regress somewhat when all we are trying to do is avoid that snake in the road that is our abusers. do you see the distinction here? what is probably happening with your friend is that this subject is very powerful to him and he does not know how to deal with it yet so he naturally pulls back. there is more to it then that, of course. if you want to help your friend i suggest you read through the various posts here of male survivors who are dealing with these issues on a daily basis, on a minute to minute basis. also read some of the articles that you will find links to on the home page or at the top of every page. the world of a survivor is very different from those who never had to experience the hell of child sexual victimization. there are different rules in this world. read some of the material here and if you have any questions feel free to pm me.

once again, support your dear friend at his pace. listen if he wants to speak. be quiet and lend your presence if he is not able to speak. be there for him and his wife at his pace. learn what you can for your own understanding and if he asks on his own volition what you learned or think, then gently point him here. the key to supporting a survivor of any gender is be there no matter what and according to their comfort level. be honest with yourself and your friend. sometimes details are too much for a friend or significant other to handle who is sharing the life of a survivor. ask questions here, we will be there for you. take care, brooklyn.
 
brooklyn,

I don't think the decision a child makes to "protect" his parents has anything to do with the decision an adult child makes to "protect" his parents. Children keep secrets for all kinds of reasons. You can't expect him to make a "mature" decision about something he's still thinking about as a child.

My boyfriend's parents are very selfish and dramatic. When he was younger they were dismissive of their children's needs, especially their emotional needs, unless those needs happened to correspond with their own. Because of some of his mother's own issues, my boyfriend was made to feel especially bad, about having sexual desires and about being a boy in the first place. I think that as a child, he probably kept his abuse secret from them out of a need for privacy and self-preservation, and I think that is why he continues to keep it a secret from them. I don't see anything immature about that.

Is it possible that you want him to tell his parents, because you know how much it would hurt them, and you'd like to see them hurt? Is it possible that some of what you see as regression is actually just stonewalling, because you're trying to talk to him about something he'd rather not talk about?

SAR
 
Brooklyn -

I get the picture that you are there to support your friend. Please do not force the issue of who he does or doesn't tell.

I am only 2 months into recovery after 34 years of suppressing the events of my abuse. Initially, I managed to tell three friends that I had issues (pissed at the time)and left it at that. It took another 2 years for me to realise that my mind was turning into a food mixer that was constantly switched on, and full of things I didn't want in there.

At this point I demanded help as I was going nuts at work (people were starting to notice) - I had turned back into the abused 12 year old and was trying to run a shift of around 20 people at the time!

I told - 1/ My Doctor, 2/ My Boss, 3/ The therapist that my Boss got for me. After about two weeks I managed to tell a handful of other people.

I never told my parents & will not have the opportunity as they are both dead.

I have not told my Sister...she cares about me a hell of a lot, but I know she will be so upset that I couldn't tell her years ago! I haven't told my Brother as it would turn him numb & he'd want to go and kill my Perp (I saw what he did to the burglar that tried to steal his video -wouldn't bother me about the perp getting beaten...just wouldn't want my brother to go to jail for doing it).

At some point, I will have to tell my Sister, but when I am good and ready.

Please keep supporting your friend...best wishes ...Rik
 
With respect to you telling his parents, I can only say it is a really bad idea. Although you may think it may be the "magic cure", I would bet all my money that he would see it as yet another violation.

Keep in mind that when sexual abuse of children/teens happens it generally has to involve a parent or some kind of authority that "abandons" (emotionally, physically, etc) the survivor first. In the literature/research I've looked at its called the "abandoning authority" and there is as much anger and rage at that abandoning authority as there is towards the abuser. Current research is revealing that there is sometimes even more anger at that person than the abuser.

In the case of my partner he's even MORE angry at his abandoning parent than at the man who abused him. Why else do survivors who didnt tell their parents not tell them back when the abuse was happening? There must have been some reason why they never told their parents in the first place. I bet most guys on here who were not abused by their parents directly would be able to say that at least one or both of their parents were somewhat neglectful or emotionally abandoning.

And this led to an unfulfilled "need" as a kid or a teen, which led them to seek out another figure who abused them. And they never felt safe, appreciated, loved, protected or important enough to tell their parents and feel they would have been believed or supported. So they just kept it inside...

Believe you me there are a lot of complex emotions around those "abandoning authorities". Telling your friends parents on "behalf" of your friend may very well unleash a whole new set of feelings and emotions and send your friend into a regressive tailspin.

I finally know now for a fact that it is the rage that my fiance has for his mother - his "abandoning authority" that has been at the root of my relationship problems lately (mom issues can easily map onto girlfriend/fiance/wife issues).. a rage that he did not even fathom or even be aware of until recently when his anger went waay over the top into verbally abusing me. It almost cost him our relationship (we are back together.. more about that later).

As far as "protecting" his parents...just be aware there could be more to this "protection" than you might think... this could be all about his self protection too - either from the anger/rage that is not yet untapped regarding their role in all of this. Who knows what will happen if/when they find out. His parents could not be able to accept what happened and blame him for what happened... and thats just another insult added on to his major heap of injury. I konw it sounds implausible, but believe you me, the whole "blame the victim" shit DOES happen, a lot.

Also if he is just coming to terms with what happened to him, and the memories are suppressed, how are you to know that his parents also did not abuse him? The possibility is always there... And although the survivor is now an adult and his parents are elderly, it is very hard, very very hard (speaking as an abuse survivor myself) to stop viewing oneself as a victim and "one down" no matter how old you are, no matter how aging ones parents are, it is almost impossible to stop that trigger, to stop those feelings of "victimhood" once they start. Dont put your friend there.

I konw it is hard to watch your friend suffer, but there is NO magic "key" to "curing" a survivor. It takes a long time, a lot of work, faith and therapy. And it takes a lot of people to do things according to the survivor's schedule, not anyone else's. The fact that he is taking two steps forward and one step back is not unusual. Healing from trauma and abuse is not a linear path. It goes up, down, it can backpedal make great leaps forward, then stall out for months. Its not a neat and clean process by any means.

Dont ever forget that what happens to sexual abuse survivors is a betrayal so personal, so intimate, that it is hard for them to shake off the perception that people are trying to jerk them around or take advantage of them. My partner for instance has a seriously impaired ability to determine when someone is trying to jerk him around vs. when someone is being honest. And I know that his abuse has a lot to do with that impaired ability. When one is abused or violated or gone through any trauma at all (from abuse to witnessing a disaster or war) the shock and the trauma literally rewires the brain...

I agree it is painful watching someone flounder and self destruct. But nothing you can do can push them to heal any faster than they are going to heal. Its THEIR struggle, not ours. What they need is to feel that they are in control of something at least once in their lives.

And as far as telling - there's no rule that telling one's parents is the absolute magic key to anything. If he never told his parents - so what? Yes it is critical that the survivor tell SOMEONE and not keep the whole damn thing inside, but there's a hundred different ways he could do such "telling". My partner has never told his parents but he has gone to therapy, done a lot of letter writing, has joined a male survivors support group and has launched a case against his perpetrator. Other therapeutic approaches sometimes ask that the survivor write a letter that they never mail. Other approaches involve role-play - someone takes the role of the abuser or the parent instead of the survivor confronting them directly if that is too scary or dangerous. There's a hundred different approaches that your friend could take and it is not up to you to judge which approach he takes. Yes, he does have to come to terms with this, and the role his parents played in the whole system that led to his abuse, but there are no hard or fast rules on how he does that.

Its not up to anyone but the survivor to determine the approach to disclosure. He'll get there when he gets there. Its our job as friends and family to cheer them on when they are fighting hard and hold them up when they fall.

The hardest thing about being involved with someone who is a survivor I have to admit is that it is often a challenge to determine what is "his stuff" and what is "my stuff". How his behaviour and inability/difficulty, whatever to process what happened affects YOU and your friendship with him is definitely within bounds of you to discuss with him and do something about. But if it is something that is his own battle to fight - i.e. when/how/if he tells his parents, that really is none of anyone else's business but your friend's.
 
First Brooklyn, thanks for being a close friend after knowing what you do know. You stated " At the risk of losing someone who means as much to me as a brother, I am thinking about doing what he cannot. I believe he needs someone to intervene and carry him the next 10 yards.
Another thought when saying doing what he cannot - you'ld be amazed at what survivors have done - survive. I know you have taken to heart all that have been said and I do appreciate you looking out and actually taking action to help your friend. I wish more friends were as concerned and not afraid to 'be there' like you are doing. So, continue to be there and let him know that you are OK with him. There is time to talk, and there is time to do other things in life as a friend so that he can know that he is more than a sexually abused child, but moreover that he is a great person with a lot of other things to offer - a lot. Maybe you all can do some of those things he was afraid to do with other friends as a child such as just talking and having fun and a good laugh or a good cry - acceptance is great. When SA occurred with me as a child, my whole world and internal emotional wiring was short-circuited since I could no longer relate as an innocent child to the world. My parents I think love me very much; however, I don't consider telling them since they don't relate on serious matters too well. We don't have many conversations as adults and I am in my early 40's. So even though his family loves him, he is obviously more comfortable with you knowing about it. For, you Brooklyn, continue to have a good balance of friends to encourage you so you can take care of yourself and continue to be that good friend.

(OK - I hope this makes sense because it is late for me and I need sleep.)
 
Brooklyn:
I am a spouse of a survivor.
I am happy that you found this site and posted your idea prior to proceeding, because the consequences would most likely have been disasters for your friend and his entire family. You stated that your friend is like your brother. If this is really how you feel then you need to take a good hard look at yourself and your own actions and attitudes. First, you should educate yourself in the area.
Quote:
I asked his wife if she ever considered confiding in his parents. She said she would never betray his trust. My reply was, Is it a betrayal of trust, or does he need a life preserver thrown to him?


When I read that it really struck a nerve. Like your friend my partner is very guarded on whom he shared this aspect of his life with, and it is his right to do so. Did you ever stop to think how your comment made your friends wife feel. I know that if my any of my husbands friends said that to me it would have a sever impact on several levels. Like your friends wife I will not betray my husband and discuss this subject, or how all of this affects not only our life as a married couple but also his life on a daily basis with anyone who he personally has not himself told. Even with the people he has trusted to tell I hesitate to discuss the subject with them, why?, because I dont have the strength to deal with someones comment that if I did something different than maybe there would be some improvement in my husbands way of dealing with things. Sometimes being a partner of a survivor is not only difficult but also isolating. You said that this has an impact on your friends life. How could it not. Your friend may not realize what an impact all of this has on his daily life needless to say his close relationships. As a partner you learn when your spouse is projecting or acting out. After a few years of dealing with all of this I have learned that I CAN NOT save or heal my husband. Believe me if I could I would trade years of my own life to do so but I cant, nor can you save your friend. It is his decision how to deal with things. I find that some people close to my husband may think that maybe I am the problem or maybe if I were different maybe he would make more progress in his recover. As a partner you deal with a lot of the effects of the horror that your love one was forced to endure and most of the time my partner doesnt connect his acting out behavior to what happened to him. To top that off with a comment about betraying trust by telling his parents maybe this could be construed as sending the message to his wife that she is not doing enough to help her husband. Many survivors have problems in not only their marriages but in intimate relationships. If you want to be a brother to your friend why dont you start by trying to understand the delicate position not only your friend is in but also that his wife is in rather then second guessing her judgment. Why dont you ask her what you could do to help instead of making a judgmental comment, for example be there for them ask them to go out, let your friend know when you think that his behavior is a bit off, ask him if he thinks that his therapist is helping, give them both a nonjudgmental shoulder to lean and cry on. But most importantly educate yourself, stick around and read this site, learn how all of this affects your friend, and please understand that you cannot heal him. If he is a brother to you please take the time to learn about what he is experiencing.
GOOD LUCK.
 
Lonleyone
Your post should be required reading, your husband is a lucky guy.

Stick around, there's some great support here.

Dave
 
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