When & how does IT stop ?

[WhyWhyWhy]

I am so sick of his porn of men with men - it just won't stop - several therapists - he just won't stop - why ? - I don't understand this. Yes he was badly abused when a boy but why continue looking at that sh** ? Is he gay, is he hating himself? or me? He doesn't have sex with me, so where? So many promises - so many lies. Who the hell am I married to?
TY for listening.

 

[RepressedMem]

I think this is a delicate walk for both of you.
I think it is good of you, very good of you love someone who had such a past. How long have you both been married? Did you or he know before you got married that this was in his past?
How long was the abuse, and we're there many partners? How old was he?
What attracted you about him to marry him?
You don't have to write all of these answers, but I think those would be good for you to review and think about. Also, do you have children together?
About the porn, are there other addictions he may have? Was he ever abused by women?
Do you think he has fully uncovered and dealt with all of the major episodes of abuse?
Has he been through LI (lifespan Integration) therapy?
Speaking first hand, that has been the quickest and most comprehensive way I have ever experienced to resolve major issues in this area.
I have my own story, which is bad but some of the poor folks here have ended up in a far worse position than I have.
Good luck. Peace is worth it.
RepressedMem

 

[WhyWhyWhy]

Thanks for your reply. So personal, I think I'll do a Pvt reply to you.

 

[lucylives]

Obviously no one can really know what is happening with your husband but a HIGHLY TRAINED therapist, which I am not.

I feel your pain. I have been through similar situations with my husband.

My husband is a survivor and a sex addict. it sounds like that may be an issue for your husband. Again, I am not a therapist but the it sounds as if he can't stop on his own. Been there, done that.


This all came out with my husband about 4.5 years ago. Things are so much better. Years of therapy (1 on 1 and group), 5 day treatment facility for sex addiction, 12 step sex addiction meetings and working it and we are finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

For me, I have been truly blessed to have gotten in a program myself for wives of sex addicts. No one can ever possibly know your pain and help you find a way out other than a spouse who has been there. If you want more info, please ask. It has been a lifesaver for me.

This has not been an easy journey. Very painful for anyone. Brought to the surface all the trauma I suffered myself as a child.

Today, though, we are better. Tomorrow, who knows??

Please feel free to PM me if you would like. I feel your pain.

 

[lucylives]

And by the way, I read your post on nightmares. Hubby doesn't have them but I have had them ALOT since Discovery Day. PTSD. They are getting better. Been awhile since I have ahd one.

 

[WhyWhyWhy]

Thanks Lucy. I'll use a PM. I think he may be on here sometimes because I've heard 'phrases'.

 

[karin4him]

Thank you, I had a similar experience.

 

[Judith]

Hi

Responses below yours.
I wish I was responding on here more often then I am.

I am so sick of his porn of men with men - it just won't stop - several therapists - he just won't stop - why ? - I don't understand this.

Judith: Part of it is becuase of his fear of relationships and mother son issues. He feels he cant do it on his own with you. He is also use that to solve his emotional pain about being a man in sex. Becuase he feels in his mind and emotions the believe that he is made to do that and that he cant change. He is scared to change. The current is familiar and it is safe. Change is scary and if I do then what am I. The It is a belief system about -he is made to feel that he was made to be used. That is the belief system he needs to work on change. The key is to find a sex therapist who can help him understand the mind and sex and males.
The key is to challenge his thinking and help analyze his feelings. And ask him questions to make him think about what he is doing etc.
Read everything you can get your hands on to learn how to resolve issues. self help books. Feelings Buried Alive Never Die is one
you stick to your boundaries and set some for him and inform him what your not willing to deal with. It may need to take a six month separation to show him what he is lose.

Yes he was badly abused when a boy but why continue looking at that sh** ? Is he gay, is he hating himself? or me? He doesn't have sex with me, so where? So many promises - so many lies. Who the hell am I married to?
TY for listening.

Judith: YOur married to a man who is a wounded boy inside. He hate himself and doesnt know how to solve it. Or thinks he doesnt it. Healing the feelings in the memories is going to do it. You need to address the lies and so on. He is a sexual abuse victim that has a past that needs healing. That is how to look at it. If his mother was s jerk to him in his childhood he is projecting onto you what he is feeling from her. The thing is to find out what he is putting on you that he really needs to put on the abuser. The thing is it is not about you but the jerk. IF you can be objective and not take it personal that will help you to help him address the issues he is struggling to let go of. He not gay and alot of men think that abuse by a male makes them gay but that is not it.
He looks because that helps him to cope with the pain he feels and that he is repeat the behavior what he learned. from childhood from before age 5. he needs reconditioning and retraing the mind and automatic reflexes etc.
Sexual Healing by Wendy Maltz is a good book even if it is written to women. What she says in there can be applied to him.
Read everything you can get your hands on by wendy Maltz online even

Also these can be helpful even if they apply to women. Just reverse-the key with these is it talks about how sexual healing happens and so on.
Wendy has a website
Sexual abuse survivors and sex
Sexual FEelings During Sexual abuse
Sexual healing from sexual abuse
sexual healing is possible
sex therapy with survivors from sexual abuse
Avoid sex talk opening up about Sex
stages of Healing from Childhood SExual abuse
Healthy Sex Communication
Tips for Helping a Partner Heal Sexually
When a Partner has been abused.
These are online and Or I can send them to you outside of here.
He also has a fear of sex and not realize that sex abuse is not the same as healthy marital sex between couples.
Also