When hazing becomes sexual abuse

[tbkkfile]

I've been badly triggered lately from many sources and had to write this down.

I've been trying to work out why and how, which I guess a lot of people work through, in many respects for me it's to prove to myself that it wasn't my fault, which then gets mixed up with the whole shame and guilt thing that I've felt over the years.

With the news being dominated by "Hazing" a term that I'd never heard of over here in the UK, it made me look at what happened to me and how hazing spiralled out of control. I hesitate to separate hazing from abuse so apologies to anyone that takes offence, in my opinion there is no difference, it's just different forms of the same thing but the term hazing gives me a starting or reference point as to why and how

***** TRIGGER WARNING *****

Part of my abuse (there was a couple of unrelated instances later in my childhood) was at the age of around 11, it occurred during summer camp and lasted for around a year afterwards, I don't remember many of the words that my abusers said but one sentence sticks, maybe because it helped minimise what happened, "All new boys go through this".

There were 4 of them, 3 teenagers and a guy in his 30's, the main person in charge knew about it but turned a blind eye on the whole thing, it was easier and less messy for him I guess, no awkward questions. The guy in his 30's encouraged the other 3 who quickly got the hang of it. It went from Hazing to abuse and torture, the silence gave oxygen to my abusers after summer camp.

I've rambled a bit, but it's really difficult to get down how I feel, references in the media about hazing have triggered me really badly as all I can see is how in my experience it led to so many other really bad things. It was in my abusers nature, hazing to physical abuse to sexual abuse and torture, they made the jump really easily.

 

[traveler]

tbkkfile, i know just what you mean. some of my experiences were the same sort of thing - difficult to define and categorize.

i think the term, "hazing" is pretty broad - and can range from relatively harmless pranks like breaking eggs on people's heads and dousing them with flour - to absolute torture and life-threatening abuses that can result in death.

because of that broad spectrum, some people can underestimate the seriousness of what 'hazing" can include. those who perpetrate it can use that nonspecific term to minimize the impact and effect of their actions, absolving themselves of any serious offense. we who were subjected to it can be influenced to believe that we were the inadequate ones who couldn't cut it - losers who were too cowardly and weak to withstand what others endured without complaint.

in many cases, i believe "hazing" is merely an opportunity sanctioned by subsets of society for cruel and sadistic people to wreak their wills on those who are less powerful. they often dominate their groups and force their own desires upon others who follow, either willingly or our of a sense of fear or loyalty, to make up a gang or mob mentality that leaves the victim under the power of greater numbers, higher authority, and other forms of superior strength.

sometimes it involves physical pain and torture, sometimes mental/emotional abuse, sometimes sexual victimization. sometimes all of the above. always there is an element of humiliation, shame, and inferiority forced upon the victim.

the carrot on the stick is the promise of eventual acceptance and inclusion into the group. sometimes that does not materialize - and only the stick is received. that is the way it was with me - and i think, you, too. but the "tradition" is used to justify the practice - "i survived it and you can too." or "That's just the way it is - we've always done it this way."

you are not alone is this, man. i am glad you posted this.

lee

 

[Nothing Man]

I think that hazing is also justified in terms of "making you a man." It implies that one endures an ordeal and emerges stronger and better from it. Personally, I do not think there is any justification for hazing in whatever form.

I was a member of a fraternity when I was at university and hazing was definitely part of what I experienced. It was not pleasant. But in retrospect it seems that putting myself in that position was part and parcel of being a CSA survivor. I was putting myself in a position where I could be "punished" for allowing the abuse earlier in my life to happen.

It also did not help matters much that mistreatment was the norm for me, having come from an abusive household in which my mother abused me physically, mentally and sexually for a couple decades.

Recently in the States hazing has been in the news. In New Jersey members of a high school (American) football team were accused of rape against young first years in the locker room, all as part of an "initiation" ritual. And then just yesterday a young man was convicted for his part in the beating death of a fellow marching band member back in 2011. The beating the victim endured was also part of the hazing initiation ritual.

Nothing good comes of it, in my opinion. I am reminded of the phrase that says the only thing needed for evil to flourish is for good people to do nothing. In that regard I condemn myself as well, having stayed in the fraternity. While I never participated in any of the hazing rituals I did lend my silence to them, and therefore my consent.

 

[OCN]

Wow NM, could've written that.. great reflective insight - at least for me, reading your story!

 

[Sven]

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[OCN]

Sven, it's all about the psychological part imo. The physical is just hard working, making you feel tired. But the psychological part.. it's strange to hvae to go through all that in a week and then finding out it's all a game. Left me wondering why would one play such a game?

And i think the purpose (bonding) will work with the hazing, but to me it's strange to have such an abusive introduction as a need to be part of a group. In a way i recognize some good parts, which to me was the confrontation with my own naievity, but in the end for me it wasn't really worth it. I've meet a lot of great friends there, yet the hazing will remain a black page - because i couldn't see it as a game

Also from the Netherlands btw