When does it stop?

[Aden]

You don't want to let go and won't consider that revenge is not an answer. When does it stop? Isn't there a time to sooth your own soul with the balm of forgivness? If you can't make them pay, and you can't let go, what do you have?

Can't we own ourselves? Does our anger have to control every day in the future? The only peace we may ever have could be because we let it go. Do you want to live this way for the rest of your life? At some point you must be done with it.

Not possible you say. Then I am damned.

Aden

 

[Ivanhoe]

Aden,

If I may be so bold...is it possible that you are too concerned about the end of the trail rather than at what point on this road that you actually are?
What I mean is, don't be so concerned about what you're "supposed" to do with the people who abused you.
You are the most important person in this recovery. You are hereby given permission to rant and rave all that you want to, condemning to hell those who abused you, if you want.
Some of us try to forget too early or rush to forgiveness when none may be needed or desired.
The forgiving of ourselves and the forgetting is for us alone, no one else. We, you and me, and the others, here, are setting our own schedules for forgetting or forgiving.
We have to be able to get this crap out before we can do either of those things. One of my favorite lines comes from the author of, "The Empire Of The Sun." Have you seen it, read it? It's got to be one of my all time favorite movies and the author's line about writing those, what must have been, difficult words, for him, which comprise his story is. He says, "It took me twenty years to forget what happened to me, and another twenty years to remember it again so that I could put it down on paper."
Aren't we like that. We tried so hard to forget what happened to us. But with us, it wasn't because we are going to write a story, it's because we are trying so hard to get it out so that it doesn't have such a strong hold on us. A hold that holds us back, holds us down.
Aden, forgetting and forgiving are so far down the road for me, I can't burden myself with those concepts until I've had a chance to recover some.
Thank you for bringing these important concepts up but let's keep them in perspective.

I hope that you don't think that I was lecturing, I only want to make sure you're going easier on yourself.

Peace and Courage,

Brother David

 

[Aden]

Does that mean that there should be no strong voice for the goal? Shouldn't we look at where we are going? Perspective requiers that we look in the distance.

We are free humans living in a governed sociaty. Our desires must be tempered by pragmatic necessity. What we want to do and what we can do are often different things. Part of healing is recognizing the differance.

Aden

 

[reality2k4]

Aden

We have all been angry, anger is the most corrosive elements in all of this, don't you agree?

When this happened to me, there was so much anger, that it almost killed me, it was the single most thing that I had to get control of, not so easy as you well know, but it was making me feel out of control.

We will never completely get over it, at least that is the way I have come to terms, but we must make as best we can of it and help others, don't forget, there are young ones in the group who are at the stage we went through all them years ago, and we can think of what it must be like for them.

Some still being abused no doubt, we need to help them and ourselves, the nature of abuse, as I see it brings about so many mixed emotions and feelings or lack of them, that some days we don't really know what is driving it, it can be like a maelstrom.

We need to be strong, we need to fight the cause, and to do it, we must be seen to be strong.

We need to make the World aware of what we have gone thru and spread the word thru the media.

You are a survivor, you survived, you are stronger than most because of what you know, please be kind to yourself, and see the good points in yourself.

I know the road is rocky, but it get's better the further on you go, it's a long road and I think you've got many more miles to go, but the journey will be worth it

take care

ste

 

[The Dean]

Hi Aden,

I have watched the movie MIRACLE about a dozen times now. In it Coach Herb Brooks tells the USA hockey team that they have to work like hell for the unknown. At first, it sounds like a dumb "Brookism." But it is wise. WE work, not knowing what will be the end result. But we have some hopes for something rather specific at times.

We look to the goal of being well, happy and feeling very much in control of our lives, especially our bodies. But, there is also a lot we don't know about. So we keep working and taking it bit by bit.

I surely agree that we need to forgive, but for ourselves, so we don't get bitter. We know that forgiving does not in anyway say it was ok. I just means that we are not going to let rage and hate and the desire to "make them pay" take very much of our energy.

It takes quite a bit of time for most of us. But, like David said, it is not like climbing a mountain and never taking a rest or always feeling that the mountain is in a fog so we can't see any beauty at all. It really is worth it--but we can only say that when we feel enough control that we know we will never allow ourselves to be abused again by anyone.

Peace to you friend!

Bob

 

[Leosha]

Aden,

I don't know that there is any 'suppose' to's in this. We all may find a different goal at the end of the journey. And then again, the goal we reach may not even be the one we set for ourself.

I will say something else here though. I do not have so much wisdom or experience, or learning of philosphies and studies in school. This is through what I learn as competitive athlete.

First, the competition, it is with ourself in this. There is no one here better or worse then others, there is no one more or less deserving. Competition is for sport. This is life. But what we are trying to 'beat', who we are trying to beat, it is within ourself. We need to be motivated within ourself. Even in sport, to go out there to just beat this person, or that team, it is short lived motivation. What happens when you beat them? Who next? No, motivation needs to be to improve on ourself, for it to be successful.

Another thing, something that take me SO long to learn for myself. You can not wait until you reach a goal to celebrate success. Because what if you never reach it? Or what if it take you five, ten years to reach it? How much success, how many OTHER, also important things, have you ignored because of the single focus? I was very narrow focused, for long time, because of how I was trained and coached, it was to that manner. When I went elsewhere, I started to realize that you CAN enjoy and celebrate other things then just the end result. It open up much more life, much more pleasant things of life to me, that I could enjoy, that before, because they were not the end result, were considered trivial. I learned to appreciate more the work that went into succeeding, and that help me to appreciate the successes even more.

The journey often is long. Every step in the right direction is a success. Every time you abstain from a negative way of coping, it is a success. Every day you conquer, every hour or minute sometime, is a success. Celebrate yourself more often. You, as all of us, are worth it.

leosha

 

[Brayton]

Aden,

In some ways, I dont think it ever completely stops unless, in this case, you are asking only about the desire for revenge. In that case, I think I have for the most part let that go. I still have times when I feel that kind of anger and want someone to pay but, now, I am thinking of it more in terms of emotional compensation, I think.

It was a gradual process but I think as I began to realize that there is no way to truly make them pay, I began to let it go. I mean, what would I do? Physically hurt them? That would be temporary. Kill them? That would end up hurting me more in a lot of ways. If only they could be subjected to what they subjected me to. But, then, wed have to go back in time to when they were children and, magically, put them in the same spot. But, hey, wait a minute, maybe they were in that spot.

It sounds weird in this context but I think I am sometimes feeling compassion for them now. Not that I want to have anything to do with them. Certainly not that I have forgiven them. (No one has asked for forgiveness, anyway.) Its just for the healing of my own heart, Ive had to start not seeing them as monsters and start seeing them has human persons. And that was very, very hard.

I dont know about owning myself. What they took away I dont own. Its actually lost to me. It seems like it cant be given or taken back. But Im here so there must be something left and thats what I want to concentrate on as much as I can. Its very hard to stop feeling victimized. Ill never erase the truth that I was victimized.

As Ive posted before, I often feel like continuing is impossible but here I am yet another day, another week. Guess I am clinging now to the hope of small progress.

B.