When Did You Realize That Those Complicated Memories Were of Abuse?

When Did You Realize That Those Complicated Memories Were of Abuse?
Josh,

Reading back over this thread has been really helpful to me. Thanks for starting it. I see in one way I really didn't answer your question.

When I was abused at age 11 I didn't even know it was about sex, much less abuse. That was 1960, though, and I don't recall ever hearing the word. We were told don't go with strangers, but we didn't know why that was a bad idea. I knew the abuser and I trusted him. I even asked him questions like "This feels good so I guess that means it's okay, right?"

I didn't really figure it out until I heard the word rape somewhere and asked my Dad what it meant. He told me "It's when a man has sex with a woman and she doesn't want it." Somehow that put all the pieces together for me. I screamed into my pillow for about an hour that night.

Much love,
Larry
 
Josh

You asked when we realized it was abuse and memories...

I was abused at 8-18. It started with an older brother. That turned on that "abuse me" neon sign. From then till i was 18, I was abused by a couple of older cousins (one for a prolonged period), then a freind of my brothers, then a neighbor down the street (involving pictures), then a freind of a cousins and finally raped by a co-worker at 18yrs old.

I buried everyone of them. However, the abuse by my cousin (prolonged) and my rape surfaced often. All the symptons and effects on me where there, eg. nightmares, anxiety, lack of intimacy, etc....

I never told anyone. Never! I did however act out with men.

A few years ago, I was forced to talk about it resulting from my wife finding out about my acting out. When I told her about my past with my cousin and the co-worker, she told me I was abused. I said NO, itwasnt abuse.

Shortly after, my first visit to a psychologist's office, I told her about my history and what "I" did with my cousin and co-worker. She asked me if I thought it was abuse. Of course I said NO. The next few visits included me squeeking out some more detail and unvailing some disfunction with my family, including alcholism. On the last visit, she sat me down and told me a story about a client of hers. This client had a very similar story as mine. At the end, she asked me what I thought about his experience and his family. I told her, I thought that guy needed some help for his abuse and disfunctional family, I was angry for his situation. She asked how that was different than my history/abuse. I "had" to agree with her. Even though I did not believe it in my mind.

Throughout the next 6 months working with my T and with my wife's help, the both continually forced/helped me to say that I was abused. They would reiterate the definition and I logically agreed, even though I didn't believe it... Finally, after a good solid hard 6 months I was able to say "I was abused." Each time (now included) I would get that tightness and uncomfortable scared helpless feeling.

It wasnt until I actually started to talk more and more about it that memories started to surface. It got to the point where I shut down because they kept coming and it got more depraved. I've posted about memories and had great feedback. Basically, 3yrs into recovery (forced at the beginning), I know that I know that there is more to remember. As my T suggests, I am not forcing them, but letting them come up when I'm ready (even if I dont think I am).

Would publicity have helped? In my case, I'm not sure. I don't think it would have helped me to talk and "tell." However, the more I talk about this, the more I can talk about it, and the more it eases the stress(es). Also, one other thing. I used to have terrible nightmares. I haven't had one after I disclosed initially to my wife.

I hope this helps.

Jim
 
I was sexually abused starting around the age of 4 and my memories of it didn't come back until I was 25. Actually, I think they came back a few times throughout my life but I used denial to immediatley block them. My memories of the abuse and my entire childhood are just beginning to unblur. I worked so hard to forget the abuse and the innocence that came before it that I forgot everything. I still desire a coherent adult story of what exactly happened, but my T says I may never get that because of the age I was memories are perceptually stored not story-lined. Anyway, psychobabble aside, forgetting SUCKS. Its a great tool for the abusers though to convince a young boy that what is happening isn't and that what did happen didn't. This sort of confusion with threats added for extra saftey let my abuser store and erase his shameful animalistic behavior in my fragile egg-shell mind. One thing I feel blessed for is that I eventually was able to remember and will eventually clear the filth he gave me to carry.
 
I can remember the most serious events in Vivid detail, like it was yesterday. The most painful ones I never forgot.

For me it happened so many times over such a long period that I can remember every event.

So I get flashbacks of half remembered things, certain patterns in the abuse but cant put my finger on where or when it happened.

I masterbated my father (approximately) over 1500 times over 10 years. Thats not including the other catagories of abuse, only masterbation. How can I ever be expected to remember them all?
 
Josh,
Like you I never was not aware of what happened to me.....I totally did not understand until much later the ramifications of what happened.....I do remember every instance as though it was in slow motion and I remember visual and other sensory parts of the instances......but I never felt them as painful or the things that screwed me up until I was in a NA meeting recovering from cocaine addiction when someone sharing said that they had been abused as a child.....well I guess it was my time to "feel"......I crumbled to my knees in a heap and uncontrolably sobbed for hours.....finally feeling the abuse...not just remembering that things happened when I was a child.......your friend.....steve
 
Josh, I was fifty-five. My mother had died six months earlier. Suddenly I was a complete basket case. It seemed to come from nowhere. I blamed it on having lived "in the closet" for most of my adult life. Suddenly I was "out". I was in the care of a t for depression. I had started before I left the closet and told him that my depression was from being gay and not knowing what to do about it. But I kept feeling that there was something inside myself that I needed to know...something behind some sort of wall. I told my t that I thought that, if I could just get through that wall, I would understand everything.

The rest is more complicated. I had a t many years ago who used to hypnotize me every time I went to see him. It was restful. I liked it. However, every time I went to see this newer t, I self-hypnotized for some reason. He would always ask "Where are you going?" or say, "Stay with me." I guess it could have been a strong case of disassociation also. Who knows? At any rate, during one of these periods, I experienced my first flashback. I was a small child and someone was penetrating me with something. I couldn't tell what. I just kept asking the question, "Why's he doing that to me?" My t said that my voice had changed to that of a small child and that my body was twisting and turning as though it were happening at that time. I didn't understand it as child abuse at that time. I was puzzled. It was the first of many flashbacks that I was to have. I had had no memories of abuse prior to that time and trying to make a decision as to the accuracy of repressed memories has been a very difficult part of this whole issue. I think I now have most of my memories, but once in a while will still feel or see something new from that period of time. Repressed memories are difficult because there is such a variance in the opinions of professionals as to their realiability, and you can never say that your perpetrator did this or did that. You always have to qualify it just a bit no matter how much you believe your information to be true.
My goal in addition to recovery is to finally be at peace one way or the other with my memories.

Oh, and by the way, as soon as I started getting the memories, the wall was gone.

Bobby
 
When Did You Realize That Those Complicated Memories Were of Abuse?

I first attached a label to what happened to me when I had my first visit to a therapist. I sat there for two hours pouring out my heart to this stranger. Weeping so hard I could scarcely talk. When I was finished, she looked me straight in the eye and said, "John, you were sexually abused as a child."

I looked at her with my mouth hanging open unable to speak. I think I was actually doing a fairly passable fish imitation. You know how they do when they have their mouth opening and closing as they take in water to breathe. I had never even though to attach that tag to what had happened to me. She was right tho, and I was forced at long last to admit it to myself.

It's been mostly all up hill since then.

Lots of love,

John
 
Abuse. Abuse. Abuse.

Fuck. Unfair. Puta madre carajo mierda.

I think there is another component to the realization that those complicated experiences were of abuse. Just because the thought happens once or many times doesnt mean it sticks. For me its been tough to stay on track, to stay clear about it having been abuse, to say bullshit to that Drew voice, the perp voice telling me i wanted it and sought after him.

That voice is a voice that tries to hurt me, that kicks me while Im down. So I guess two more questions. Do you struggle to remember that those painful memories were of abuse? Do you sometimes slip into that child mind of believing the line of crap?

I do. I just want to let you know that. I do, too, and I hate going through the same fucking debate in my head about whether it was abuse, but I do. Sometimes its at a very subconscious level, but it happens, and its a way in which my unconscious tries to hurt me.

Right now Im at 3800 meters near lake titicaca in a kinda crappy town called puno. I am semi-obsessing over having paid almost 6 bucks for a scarf that is itchy (i could have bargaqined it way way down, but I took her asking price. Why do I question that decision)?

I have been travelling for 8 months now, and Im not sure Ive really given myself a break, a vacation. The same voice that questions paying $6 bucks for a handwoven scarf to a lovely woman who works really hard also questions whether in fact those complicated memories were of abuse.

Abuse. Abuse. Abuse.

The toughest part of the abuse is that it was not like a parasite that you can kill with the right pills (I had a nasty parasite called Facciola Hepatica Liver Fluke for three months) and finally got diagnosed and treated. But the abuse stays up there in my brain and itches at my neurons like my $6 scarf.

I just gmail chatted with my mom and she recommended trying to exchange the scarf. Im also going to inquire whether I can exchange my self-damaging inner voices for voices that listen to the love, encouragement, and positive thinking all around me.

I have not really been that involved the last few weeks with MS, but it was a powerful experience to read some of the recent posts to tyhis thread. For me, deciding whether those complicated experiences were abuse is just about the most central inner work I have on my list, and I am really grateful for your help in thinking this through.

With love from 3000 meters,

Josh
 
Hi Josh,

What a great thread. Ive only just come across it now and its amazing to see how many have contributed to it.

I was abused by my older brother (cant bring myself to say his name) at ages 4-11. I can remember at some times in my childhood of needing to keep the secret and certainly to make sure that our parents NEVER found out. It never clicked that it was abuse. How could it with a child who cant even see over the dinner table?

So, blocked, repressed and hidden away were those memories of abuse and in fact, those entire years of my childhood. Id be lucky to remember one thing out of each year. Its all gone, or still locked away. Who knows.

I remembered and realised what happened at age 21. What a great 21st present hey? I was watching a TV cop show and the episode that night was about a teen rape case. Pretty normal TV stuff and viewing for me up until the end. As the show ended a message and announcement came up on the screen saying that if you had been sexually assaulted you could call a number and speak to someone. They had customised this screen per country and there was a local number for me to call.

It hit me right then like a big truck. In an instant, I had the full adult realisation of what had happened to me and the full emotion, shock and trauma. I was a mess.

I saw a counsellor for 3 sessions and thought it was all dealt with and I was perfect and cured from now on. Wrong!

Fast forward almost 20 years and I found this site last year and fell in a heap again. This time I was totally confronted with all the issues in my life. The whys started to click for me as to why I feel certain things, why I get upset over seeing other guys, why I have self hate thoughts etc etc.

Josh, (and others reading this), I am eternally grateful for this site and the guys here. I am dealing with issues and growing through them. I have a great therapist Im seeing and my wife supports me as best as she can, and as best as I allow her to but thats another story.

Hope that helps.
 
I don't know how it works for anyone else, but in my case, it's as though I have videos in my head that I can use to replay the events.

I stored those tapes away for a very long time...put them in a cupboard, and tried to forget about them...when I took them out of the cupboard, they still played the same!

That's how I managed to make the statement I did! That's how the perv got convicted!

Still want to say he got jailed!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
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