when can I push

when can I push
S

SAR

I haven't told my boyfriend that I've been coming and posting here, because I thought it would be better for him to find MaleSurvivor on his own--as I was sure that he would, once he started looking for help and answers, I mean it wasn't hard for me to find you guys... I haven't been keeping it a secret either, because I haven't been initiating a lot of conversations about our problems, again, thinking that it's best for him to come here, come to me, wherever, on his own...

But now I am starting to wonder if he has done any looking, reading, anything. On the internet or anywhere else. Still, I am the only person he's disclosed to... I know all of this is scary and takes a long time... I don't want to stand behind him pushing him the whole way, but I would like to give him one swift kick to get him started, is that okay? Would it even help?

Everything else about his behavior shows that he is committed to changing. He has stopped many of his self-destructive behaviors, he has been great with me and the kids, is taking better care of himself physically, is setting better boundaries at work and with his family... and most of these changes in his behavior have been self-motivated (some of it started before I even noticed, I think). Even this summer, in the weeks before everything hit the fan, he kept talking about new beginnings, trying to make things better, etc. When I found out about his affair, HE was the one who suggested that maybe he needed some therapy. Before he even brought up the abuse he was saying that he wanted therapy.

It doesn't have to be therapy. It doesn't have to be anything specifically but I strongly feel that it should be something, anything, besides just me. I mean I'm sure he's got problems that are ABOUT me, who can he talk to about that? Why is he being so fantastic about every other way to get better and so stuck over finding someone to talk to? Doesn't talking MAKE it better? Isn't that the POINT?

I don't know how he will respond to me telling him that I have been posting here. He is still very afraid of any kind of male-centered activity. Groups of guys make him nervous in basically any other setting than a row of them sitting at the bar and talking about stupid stuff. I don't know if he will be angry that I've been talking about our lives... I think if anything he might be relieved that I'm talking to you guys about it and not my sister or any one we know, I mean he knows me and I don't bottle things up very well...

any suggestions?

SAR
 
Hi SAR!

I would proceed with extreme caution in this...

Your BF is a very private person & he is really impressive in the way that he has tested you, felt remorceful, & is now trusting of you. I am not sure that telling him you've been *here* at MS would be helpful.

Perhaps you are feeling a bit like you are betraying his trust by not telling him????

Maybe you could break it to him by simply telling him that you have found an on-line community that has been very supportive & that it's helped you to talk things over with sympathetic/ empathetic people who aren't directly involved with your lives... I would be wary, at this point, of telling him that the name of the forum is "MaleSurvivor...."
 
I strongly agree with kolisha54. My bf is extremely private as well and being that I am the only person that he chose to confide in, I think it would greatly jeopardize his trust in me if I mentioned this site specifically. He'd be able to log on, read what I've written about our relationship and may, at this point in his early recovery, consider it a major betrayal of trust.
I think it's good to drop hints to let him know how much you are trying to support him and making an effort to become knowledgable about SA, but the recovery has to be his own and if he really wants to find this site, he will when he is ready.
 
SAR
I would maybe resist bringing him here, unless he knows EVERYTHING about what you've posted here.
I know you've been nothing but kind and supportive, but there's a risk he'd see somethings differently to how you wrote and intended them.

If he's fairly open to you about his abuse and he knows that you're doing some legwork to support and help him then maybe get a book like Mike Lew's "Victims No Longer" for 'yourself' - and just happen to leave it lying about.
A book like that will be impossible to resist I bet !

And that might just show him that there is help out there, and that 'real men' ask for it ;)

Dave
 
NEVER.

Don't push. Support and guide, but never push. The only direction you can push is away.
 
Sar - there's not really much that I can add other than allow him to do things in his own time.

What I really want to say is "Thanks for being supportive of one of my brothers"...we all need it even if we sometimes can't admit it!

Win through....Rik
 
Thanks to all of YOU... as always... for being who you are... and letting me rant...

I KNOW I can't heal for him, push him, rush him, I know, and I honestly don't want to. I have enough impossible things to accomplish. More importantly, I want him to do this himself, because I want him to be proud of it when he's done it. I want him to be able to look back at his accomplishments and feel responsible for them. And I want it to work.

I think it is working... I just don't know what "it" is... I can see, anyone can see, how far he's come, how much he's done... but I don't know what, if anything, he is doing.

This is scary to me. Really really scary. I understand that it is my fear and not his, but it is real to me, and I don't want to put it on him, and I don't think it will go away until I can attach his "healing" to something more concrete than his newfound will and our enduring love. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am a big fan of both of those things, and I don't want to underestimate their importance, but I think it would be naive of me to believe that he just woke up one morning with the power to banish all the demons.

I am scared because things are fine right now, and this all seems easy right now, but I don't think it can last very long without something for him to grab hold of when things aren't fine and easy. I am terrified for him and for us that there will be more rough times and he will feel he has nowhere to turn, no one to support him. That he will start going backwards and not want to tell me, and therefore not tell anyone.
 
SAR
I am terrified for him and for us that there will be more rough times and he will feel he has nowhere to turn, no one to support him. That he will start going backwards and not want to tell me, and therefore not tell anyone.
Click to expand...
Oh yes, there's fun times just around the corner for sure ! but isn't there in every relationship ?

And one thing I'm fairly certain of is that we don't forget what we've learned very easily.
Ok, some crap will come along and throw us, but will it send us back into our old ways ?

Well it did a bit for me, but the more I learn and the more I heal the less my old ways come back.
My old comforts don't work any more, which I have to say I was scared shitless of happening.
When I was under stress and pressure I used to go cruising for sex with strangers, now I just deal with it pretty much as anyone else would - I panic, I've been depressed recently, and I begin to wonder how the hell I'm going to cope with everything. But I don't go cruising ! And I can promise you that the crap I've got at the moment would have sent me cruising.

Which means that I'm not burying my head in the sand and retreating, I'm doing the best I can.
And that's something I must have learned to do.

So where did I learn these "normal" behaviours ?
Most of them from my wife I suppose, and my other friends and family who influence me greatly.
And they have also learned something, that Dave sometimes needs a bit of help, or a kick up the arse :rolleyes:
So between us we've gained a whole pile of new knowledge that won't go away easily.

Dave :)
 
SAR,

My girlfriend knows of this site. She has read things here, some of my posts when I have told her it is okay, but mostly things here in the Friend and Family forum. She respects my privacy, and has said that she will never read anything I post unless I were to say it is okay. Perhaps if your boyfriend were to come here, you could keep each other's posts 'off limits' to the other, if that were to be more comfortable.

But to 'push', I agree with what everyone else has said. There is never a good time to push someone to work at this stuff. These issues, they have 'pushed' me into severe depression, anxiety, and being suicidal and physically ill. And this is with me deciding to work at it on my own. Had someone else pushed me to do this, if it were someone who truly cared of me, would they feel glad they have put me in this condition now? Try to think of it that way. If you were to be the one to push him to the point of sleeplessness, self-harm, self-medicating, that would make YOU feel terrible, I know that. It has to be his choice, always.

Please take good care of YOU during this time.

Leosha
 
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